Behold the Hurricane
by A Sideways Smile
Summary: The story began simply, lulling him into a past that was so hard to remember had actually existed and that he had been so much a part of. The house, the neighborhood, the people were all different now, even Ellie had changed so much. Follow-up story to What a Night for a Dance.
1. Underneath the Ground

**A/N: Remember us? People have been asking for five years now if we ever planned to post more in this story, and the answer is finally a yes! For those of you who waited and asked for so long, this is definitely for you. We're so sorry it took so long, but life gets in the way and sometimes the groove is just lost. We hope you enjoy this, and if this doesn't wrap everything up, we promise to not wait so long for the next one (as everything has been planned out for years, and years).**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders_** **and The Gaslight Anthem owns "Underneath the Ground."**

 _I'd like to know if you could see through the soul  
_ _Like I could see to your soul back then.  
_ _And reach your hands through all the hurt and defenses,  
_ _Would you still try if you knew I was gone?_

 **December 31, 1969**

 _Dear Sodapop,_

 _I hope this letter finds you well and safe. It's been a few weeks since I've heard from you, but I know the mail is slow. Hopefully, you're getting my letters on the regular._

 _Things around here are certainly changing, mostly for the good, so please don't worry about that. Darry, Allison, and Lizzie are doing great. Darry's been fixing up the house a lot lately, always starting a new project before he's completely finished with the old one, but Allison gets on him about it and he does manage to finish. He started with the roof in the fall and right now is working on the kitchen. All he's really managed to do is put in a new floor, but it looks really good. I think he just wants the best for Allison._

 _Pony is home right now! He came home for Christmas and is staying a few more days. His visit went by so fast, I'm already sad about his leaving again. Despite that, I think he loves New York. He looks like he's grown at least four feet and aged three years since he left in August. He talks about everything he's been doing (I'm sure he's written you all about it) and he seems like he can't wait to get back. I'm happy for him, but I miss him like crazy, too._

 _I know that everyone has written you that Two-Bit and Carolyn are getting married today! It's still so hard to believe he grew up enough to be so responsible. He's so happy and doing so great as a new dad. It's really something to see. I wish you were here for it, and so does he. And you should see him with Frankie - she's the sweetest. He's such a good father, but like he tells me, he has to make up for his father being such a coward._

 _Speaking of the wedding, I invited Dallas. I wasn't sure I was going to, but he's been home since September and I barely see him. This just feels like something he should be around for. I'm nervous about it, but I'm happy too. I can't say if he's changed or not, but he's been staying up at Buck's and kind of even works for him. I'm not sure what he does, but it sounds like he does a lot of odd jobs and errands, and some of that involves working up at the stables Buck's rodeo guys run. Buck won't let him ride in a rodeo yet, but Dally says he'll eventually cave. It's not a real job, but he's trying. Sometimes he shows up wanting to see me, but mostly he gives me my space._

 _Those are all the big things happening right now. I'll write you again soon, and hopefully I'll have some pictures to send you from the wedding._

 _Please take care of yourself and stay safe. We all miss you._

 _Yours,_

 _Ellie_

xxx

Stray hairs on the top of her head blew around in the breeze and seemed to turn blonde in the light from the porch as she pulled the back door shut behind her. Dally stumbled over his own feet and nearly crashed down the two cement steps, but he caught himself before he fell. When he faced her, she was standing on the bottom step frowning at him.

"Gimme my keys."

She crossed her arms across her chest and said, "You're drunk."

"Gimme my fucking keys, Ellie."

He stumbled forward, and she stepped out of his way. Fuck, he couldn't walk straight.

"Either go back inside and calm down, or leave," she said.

"Fine, I'm gone. Give me my keys."

Slowly, she shook her head. "You drive like a lunatic when you're sober. You think I'm letting you drive like this?"

The world was spinning ever so slightly, but he wasn't nearly as drunk as she was accusing him of being. He'd been drunker and fine to drive, this was no different. He sized her up, trying to call her bluff and then took two steps closer. Ellie stood her ground, and he was close enough now to watch her shiver in the cold breeze.

"Where the fuck am I gonna go if you don't give them to me?"

"I don't care where you go so long as you don't wrap that truck around a tree," she replied, looking him square in the eye.

 _Fuck this broad_ , he thought. He grabbed at her arms, uncrossing them and fumbling for her clenched hands. He had no idea where his fucking keys were, but she had have them because he certainly didn't.

"Fucking give them to me, Ellie."

She tried to pry his hands off. Her fingernails were digging into his arm, and she shouted at him. Dally didn't care. He just wanted the keys to get the fuck away from that house. He kept trying, kept fending off her pathetic fight against him and the way she cried out a little when he dug his fingers into her arm to force her hand open. When the back door opened, he ignored it until two meaty hands pried his off Ellie's and forced him back. Once again, he caught himself before he toppled over.

Now Darry was standing between him and Ellie and his keys. He was silhouetted against the house and the yellow porch light. If anything, he looked twice as big as he usually did.

"How about you get out of here now?" he suggested.

Dally pointed at Ellie. "Tell her to give me the keys, and I'll be fucking glad to leave."

Darry didn't even look at her. All he said was, "Go walk it off, Dal."

His palms itched for the keys, but sometimes even Dally knew when to admit defeat. It was downright stupid to pick a fight right now , sober or drunk, Darry would kick his ass. Darrel Curtis was the only person Dally didn't doubt could do that.

"Fuck you both," he grumbled, admitting defeat. He turned away from them and took off down the alley.

The night air was cold, and the wind pushed at his back as he walked the neighborhood. Dally popped the collar of his bomber jacket and stuck a cigarette between his lips. The scratched silver lighter in his pocket was empty, so he fumbled with a pack of matches and stopped on the dark sidewalk. Huddled up to block the wind, he struck the match on his St. Christopher medal and lit up his Kool. He inhaled deeply and looked up as he exhaled the smoke into the clouds above his head. He stuck the cancer stick back between his lips and kept walking. The medal bounced against his chest.

He had no idea where he was going. It was 10 o'clock on New Year's Eve 1969, and he had no fucking place to be. Ellie begged him to come to the house after the wedding. Begged. In three months she had barely even flashed him a smile, and she pleaded with him to come to the wedding and to celebrate after. She was different and he knew it was his fault, but he stayed around knowing she would warm up to him again.

Within three minutes of walking into the Curtises, he knew he had to get out. Two-Bit stood up for him well enough, but everyone else just stared at him. He could handle all of them, save for Ponyboy. He hadn't said one word to that kid in three years, and Dally learned that the two of them didn't quite dig each other anymore. All he could think about was Johnny when he looked at Pony. The two of them running into that burning church like some damn heroes. If Pony hadn't done that, then maybe Johnny wouldn't have either, and maybe he would still be alive.

He was drunk and two blocks from the Curtises, and he knew he was coming up on the lot. In the three months he'd been back, he hadn't even looked at the damn place. He gave it thought, though. Lord, did he ever think about it.

Picking up his pace, he crossed the street and cut through a few back yards until he came to the street with the empty lot on the other side. It seemed endless in the dark. A couple of street lights were out, but he could see the spot he'd tried to end it. Sometimes he still wished he had but not as much as he wished it lately.

Flicking the end of his smoke, he crossed the street and into the grass. He walked up the small hill and just stood there. The night was ominously quiet for New Year's Eve, but he stood there trying to remember where it had all gone wrong. A gun, even unloaded, should have been enough. It almost was enough. Three shots didn't end it when they should have. Johnny died with a broken back and he, Dallas Fucking Winston, took three bullets and lived to tell the tale. It kept him up at night when he let himself think about it.

XXX

They were all counting down, but Ellie sat on the couch in a sour mood. It was a good day, a great day even, until Dally spoiled it. She shouldn't have been surprised, but she still couldn't help it. The whole night had turned a blue shade of melancholy she couldn't shake.

As the last seconds of 1969 ticked down, she looked around at all of the people in the room and remembered those who weren't there. Pony had brought up the fact that it was already the new year in Vietnam. She took a deep breath in 1969 and let it out in 1970.

The room was practically spinning from the two very happy couples, with Lizzie and Lucy dancing around, blowing a horn to ring in the new year. The couples parted and Two-Bit pulled Ellie to her feet and enveloped her in a bear hug, crushing her and forcing a laugh.

"Happy New Year, darlin'," he said, before he held her at arm's length.

Kissing his cheek, she returned the sentiment.

Pony came up to them, and Two-Bit pulled both of them into a crushing hug. "I'm so glad y'all are here!"

Two-Bit smiled so wide she thought his face might crack, hugged them again, and released them. He pulled his mother and Lucy into a hug and then spun his sister in a big circle.

"Happy 1970," Pony said, looking down at her.

"Thanks," she said, threading her arm through his. She was so happy he was home, she cried when he got off the bus a couple of days before Christmas Eve. Just seeing his face was the best Christmas present she could have received.

"Don't let Dally get you down," he said.

She just shrugged. "It was my own fault for inviting him. I thought it might be good for him, but I was wrong again."

It wasn't the first time Dally brought down an evening, but it was first time she was planning to spend a New Year's with him and he bailed. She wasn't even sure she was going to kiss him, but after three months of getting used to him being home, she was certainly thinking about it.

"He's not ok, is he?" Pony asked.

Ellie replied, "I don't really know, but don't worry about him."

Pony seemed happy to drop the conversation. Besides, worrying about Dallas was her job. She didn't think about him for too long, though, as they sat back down on the couch and Lizzie handed them both noisemakers. All together, they made such a ruckus that Darry ordered the three of them outside.

XXX

Ellie lay in her bed for all of ten minutes before she got dressed again and climbed out her bedroom window. She started up Dally's truck and drove around the neighborhood a few times looking for him. She didn't know why she bothered. Even if she found him, she knew he'd still be drunk and probably looking for a fight. He'd want a fist fight, but sparring words with her would work just as well for him.

She drove by the lot and up and down the Ribbon. For a minute, she thought about driving out toward Buck's, thinking he might have hitched a ride back, but on a gut feeling, she decided to try one more place.

The cemetery was as dark as anything when she stopped the truck on the street. From safely inside the truck, she scanned the headstones as far as she could see but came up empty. If he was at Johnny's grave, she would never see him from the street.

She hated to leave warmth of the truck to scale a fence, maybe even fall and break her neck, to walk through a dark cemetery alone, but when she saw the tiny red embers of a cigarette at Johnny's grave, she couldn't turn back. The moon cast a silver edge to his hair as she stood at the top of the small hill. She hated to disturb him, but he saw her anyway.

"Hi," she said, timidly.

"Happy fucking New Year."

She ignored his attitude and looked at the headstone with the painfully short span of years. Johnny had been dead more than three years now.

"I didn't know you knew where he was buried," she said.

"I found it," he said, without emotion.

Dally hadn't looked at her yet. He was looking at Johnny's headstone and smoking. She noticed the new cigarette resting on the top of the stone.

"How long have you been out here?"

He finally looked at her. "Since you kicked me out without a ride."

"You wanted to leave, I didn't kick you out."

He shook his head and looked away from her again. "What do you want?"

Honestly, she didn't know. Part of her couldn't stand the thought of him drunk in a gutter and the other part knew how much he was hurting. It hadn't escaped her that this was the first time he'd been in a room with Ponyboy since the night he got shot. She couldn't just tell him that, though.

"I don't know."

"Then I don't know either. So why don't you fucking leave me alone?"

Only because he sounded so serious, so terribly fraught, did she nod and turn away. Down the hill a little way she turned around and caught sight of him crouched on the ground, one hand supporting himself on the headstone. When he pinched the bridge of his nose, Ellie forced herself to wait back by the truck. As much as she wanted to help him through his grief and all of the demons she was only just realizing he still had to face, it wasn't for her to witness. Not this.

When he finally came back, she watched silently as he climbed over the fence and landed on the sidewalk with a quiet thud. He stood in front of her where she leaned against his truck. His hands were in his jacket pockets, his hair haloed from the streetlamp. Right then, she could see every vulnerable part of him.

"Did I hurt you earlier?"

Ellie shook her head and asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm Fine."

But he wasn't, she knew that. Ellie had kept her distance from him since he'd been back, but it was a short distance. Her chest still ached when she thought about how much Wade hated her, but it was nothing compared to how her heart ached when she got close enough to Dally. She knew he had never faced anything from that September night three years ago; all he had ever done was run from it. Suddenly, she felt bad for being so angry with him at the party. Face-to-face with Ponyboy and Dally was reliving something the rest of them had learned to live with while he was still stuck in 1966.

When he touched her face as they stood shivering in the middle of the night, she couldn't pull away. When he leaned in close enough she could feel his breath warm on her cheeks, she was drunk with it. Reflexively, she put her hands on his chest, but only to stop him. She didn't push him away.

"Dally," she said, unsure what she wanted to say.

"I need you," he said.

This was the Dallas she'd always known that the others didn't, but still she kept her hands pressed against his chest.

"You can't hate me forever, Dollface."

Her elbows unlocked, and he was closer. She said, "I don't hate you. I just don't ... I can't."

But it wasn't enough of a protest for him or for her. She let him kiss her, and she kissed him back. Their first New Year's kiss three hours late and outside of a cemetery, with whisky and Kools on his tongue.

When he pulled away he whispered, "Stay with me."

This is when her senses came crashing back, and she felt a cold hole in her stomach.

"I can't."

His eyes narrowed, but not threateningly, just as though he were trying to figure her out.

Deftly, she worked her way around him and got into the driver's seat of his truck. Dally looked at her from outside, just staring at her with an amused look on his face and shook his head. Ellie motioned to the passenger side and was surprised when he walked around and got in without a fight.

"You're damn lucky you're cute and it's so damn late ain't nobody gonna see you driving me around in my own damn truck," he said.

Ellie started up the engine, smiling a little. Dally lit up a cigarette and then tapped the gear shift when she didn't put it into drive.

"Are we just going to sit here?"

"Where am I taking you?" she asked, her eyes on the pavement ahead. This was why she never should have went looking for him.

"All my shit is at Buck's."

The plan was, she decided, to drive him to Buck's, drop him off without getting out of the truck, and then drive all the way back home. That might end up with her in bed before dawn. It wasn't going to be that easy, though. She knew that.

When the roadhouse was in view, Dally yawned and laid his arm across her shoulders. Ellie ignored it and pulled into the gravel parking lot and parked in a spot near the door. Slowly, she put the truck in park and sat there staring forward through the windshield.

"There you go," she said.

"There I go?"

"I'll come get you sometime tomorrow so you have your truck, okay?"

Dally leaned in close and turned off the engine, pulling the keys from the ignition and putting them in his coat pocket.

"Dally, don't."

"It's the middle of the night. You're tired and I ain't about to let you drive all the way back in the fucking dark," he said.

This was exactly what she was afraid of. This was exactly what she had avoided the last three months, but this time she led herself right to it. Dally had always been able to talk her into anything, and even though now she was completely aware of that, she still couldn't do anything about it sometimes.

"Come on, Dollface," he said.

Finally, she looked at him, her eyes pleading. He touched her face, and she took his hand and pulled it away.

"I need to go home."

"El, I'm fucking serious about you driving back by yourself," he said. "It's late, okay? I won't even try nothing, I swear."

Looking at him, her heart and her mind combated inside of her. Knowing it was a stupid idea to stay with him because even if nothing happened, it opened the door to everything. Dally took her hand in his and kissed it softly.

"I swear," he said again, softer this time.

Going against her better judgment, Ellie quietly said, "Fine."

XXX

The first thing he did when they got upstairs was open the window and pull off his shirt. The first thing she did was look around at a room that looked perfectly preserved from the last time she was in it ages ago. It was still dirty and reeked of beer and cigarette smoke.

Dally climbed into the bed, the springs creaking, and laid flat on his back under the blankets. There was space for her, and he turned his head a little, watching her. Nervously, she untied her shoes and set them neatly against the wall. She flicked off the lights and climbed into the bed, her back to him. He set his arm over her and pulled her against his chest. Before she ever had a chance to warn him to not try anything, he was snoring softly. For three months, she had done everything she could to avoid this, but as she settled back against his chest, his steady breath warming her neck and rocking her to sleep, she thought that things might be just fine.

 _Or would you talk about if I loved her now?  
Tell my sins to God out loud.  
Would you cry, cry 'cause I was gone?  
Would you hiss and spit and curse my name,  
Embarrass me to the other graves?  
Would you lay right own with me,  
Underneath the ground?_


	2. Fumbling With Your Heartstrings

**A/N: You are all so sweet and we've loved reading your messages this week! We hope everyone enjoys this story, especially since you have waited for so long.**

 **Also, I forgot to add in the last note, for anyone who hasn't read our previous stories, this is a new installment that follows Tender is the Night, Front Page Drive In News, One Headlight, and What a Night for a Dance. All of those are in our profile if you would like to catch up.**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders and The Gaslight Anthem owns** _**Biloxi Parish.**_

 _I've been fumbling with your heart strings  
_ _And that's good enough for me.  
_ _And if I've rained on one of your hours,  
_ _Then I know I must be working.  
_ _Try it on for size my darling,  
_ _See what a man you can make of me,  
_ _I'll eventually haunt you,  
_ _And you'll eventually be my queen._

 **January 1, 1970**

The bed was warmer than it had been in months, and Dallas opened his eyes and smiled to himself as he remembered why. Ellie was curled up close beside him with half of her face underneath the blanket, still asleep.

Carefully, he pulled the blanket down a little and kissed her on the neck below her ear. She curled up tighter, and he whispered, "Morning, Dollface."

Slowly, her eyes opened, and she laid there under his arm and warm in the blankets.

"I wish you would close that," she said, pulling the blanket back over her nose. "It's January."

"Keeps you in bed longer," he said, as he dared to trail his hand up her leg to her hip.

"Stop it," she said, removing his hand as she turned on to her back.

Dally almost tried it again, but he realized there wasn't any humor in her tone. She looked at him with distrustful eyes and he couldn't stand it. For the times they did hang out in the last three months, which wasn't a whole hell of a lot, she always looked at him like that. He thought that maybe things were different after she let him kiss her last night.

It was one thing to know how badly he had fucked up in the past; it was another when he couldn't do anything to change it. Dally shook his head and got up, throwing the blankets off of both of them. He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up his smokes from the nightstand as she scrambled to pull the blankets back up.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Suddenly, he was aware of the cold chain around his neck and where the medal sat in his chest. As he took a drag, he looked down at it and considered her apology.

"What are you so sorry about?" he asked, looking her over. The blankets were pulled up to her chin.

"I'm not ready for all this," she said. "I should have just gone home last night."

Striking the match, he lit his cigarette and waved it out. Tossing it, he considered that. He was aware that he had slowly been wearing her down over the last few months, but even if that weren't the case, he still wouldn't have let her drive back so late. She didn't want him wrapping his truck around a tree drunk; well, he didn't want her doing that exhausted.

"You were too tired. You might have crashed my truck into a ditch, and then I'd have to walk everywhere," he said, offering up a smirk.

She smiled and shook her head. Dally leaned back into the pillow beside her, pulling the blanket back over his bare chest. They were both quiet while he smoked and the cold air blew in.

"I can't rush into this again," she said, suddenly.

He turned his head to look at her and saw her classic look of overthinking the situation written across her face.

"I've been home since September, and this is the first time you've even spent the night. I've barely seen you. Who's rushing anything?"

He really didn't mean for it to come out as annoyed as it sounded. Ellie sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"I just mean we need to slow down - "

"Last night was the first time you even asked me to go anywhere with you. I never see you."

"I've seen you," she said, looking at him again. "But you're the one that has a bad habit of leaving without a word. You've disappeared on me three times, you know."

"Yeah, you never let me forget that you're keeping count," he said. He took the last long drag and reached to stub the butt into the ashtray in the nightstand. "I'm here now."

"I know," she said, quietly.

What Dally knew was that she was different, and maybe that was his fault.

"When you came back that night, the night I left with you," she said, "neither one of us was really thinking. We just went with it, you know?"

And then he left and, as far as he understood, she lost the boyfriend. The boyfriend that was so good for her that Darry told him to stay away. Now he studied her, feeling deep-seeded jealousy.

"And your boyfriend broke up with you? Is that where this is going?"

He got up out of bed this time and pulled a clean shirt from the dresser. Ellie was sitting up on the mattress, her expression strained.

"I thought I've told you to just forget about him, okay? I chose you over him, but you're the one that left to go on a joy ride across the country."

"I came back. I'm fucking here now," he said, slamming the drawer shut.

The mattress creaked and he felt her arms circle around him, her hands freezing on his skin.

"I just want to take things slow, all right? That's not something we've ever tried, so maybe we can now?"

The tone of her voice wasn't convincing, but he didn't argue. He turned around to face her, taking in those tired and distrustful eyes. The whole reason he came back to Tulsa was because he realized he wanted to be with her, but she was right about them rushing into shit. He remembered why he ran from Lane's in the first place; letting her get too close before he was ready was a mistake.

"Yeah, we can do that," he relented.

"Thank you."

She leaned in and kissed him. Dally fell right into it and kissed her back. She let him slide his hand under her shirt to the small of her back, but when he tried a little more, she tried to push him away.

"What did we just talk about?"

She was accusing him, but she was trying to hide a smile. Dally released her and finally went to close the window.

"Can you take me home?" she asked. "Pony heads back to New York tomorrow so we planned to hang out some today."

"I guess we weren't doing anything then?"

"You could always try talking to him, you know?"

Dally pulled his shirt over his head, ignoring her comment.

XXX

As Ellie got ready for the day, she couldn't help but overthink everything from the last 12 hours. She couldn't believe she stayed with him when she had been so careful the last few months to avoid a situation like that. Dally was different, but in a way she couldn't figure out. When she asked him to slow down, to just wait for her to be ready, he was actually very accepting. He agreed quicker than she anticipated, which was huge considering all of the waiting she forced him to do since he'd been home. Maybe it was because she finally kissed him or because she spent the night. Whatever the case, his agreeable attitude wasn't something she was expecting. They had enough of a history to know that he could wear her down easily, which was half the reason she had been so careful to keep her distance lately. All of her other worries had to do with him being a flight risk.

Staring at herself in the bathroom mirror, she remembered the way she felt when she was pregnant and alone. Even when nothing came of that pregnancy, it had scared Ellie half to death to face it alone. Worse yet, she didn't think she could ever tell him about it. Dally was barely handling Johnny's death and she thought even a miscarried pregnancy would send him packing in the night. She sighed to herself and wondered what the hell she was doing yet again.

Keeping everything simple, she brushed her long hair and applied just enough makeup to hide the fact she had stayed up most of the night.

XXX

At the Curtises, Allison was still picking up from the party and Ellie immediately lent a hand. A stack of dishes sat needing dried, and Ellie picked up a towel. Darry and Pony were out, but Allison told her they wouldn't be long. That left time for a quiet conversation Ellie would have rather avoided.

"Are you okay after last night?" she asked.

"I'm fine. There wasn't anything to worry about," Ellie told her.

Allison has never really met Dally. Since he had come home, there were a couple of brief encounters, but nothing where he hung around long enough to get to know each other.

"I'm sorry he caused a scene. I guess it was too soon to bring him over."

"I'm not so worried about last night," Allison assured her. "I'm just a little worried about you."

Without looking at her, Ellie could feel the concern in her eyes. Allison was almost always on her side where Dally was concerned, but that was before she found out he left her high and dry and pregnant. After that, it was all Allison could do to check up on her since he came home. Her concerns weren't unfounded, though. Ellie had them too.

"I'm not rushing into anything, and I'll be careful," she promised.

"I know you will. I just want you to be happy," she said, her statement loaded with a warning.

The front door opened, and she heard the boys and Lizzie come inside. Her little dog, Andy, on her heels.

Ellie said quietly, "It was a bad night for a first impression, but I promise, things are fine."

With a feigned smile, Allison nodded. Ellie could only imagine the stories Darry told her and coupled with what she already knew from working at the hospital, Dally had a lot of ground to make up.

XXX

They walked in step with each other on a route they had taken hundreds of times out of their neighborhood since they were kids. For a second, it felt like it could have been any other day of their lives.

"So, I know you already said you did, but do you really like it there?" Ellie asked Pony.

"I do. It's different. It took awhile to get used to."

"You've only been there for four months, and you're already used to it?" she asked, feeling a little hurt by that.

He laughed. "Well, maybe not entirely used to it. I'm so busy between school and work, I don't have a lot of time to think about it."

Ellie giggled to herself imagining this Plains kid running around a big city like New York. In her mind, he stuck out like a sore thumb. And with his name, he was bound to draw plenty of stares.

"How many times have you had to explain your name?" she asked, giggling out loud this time.

"Um, well," he stammered and jammed his hands into his coat pocket. "I don't go by Ponyboy there."

She looked up at him now, noticing how his cheeks had gone bright red.

"What do you go by?"

"Mike."

She froze mid-step on the sidewalk and stared at him, mouth agape, as he turned around to face her.

"Mike? You don't even look like a Mike."

He looked at her sheepishly, and she felt a little bad for judging him.

"My accent alone gets enough attention. I was trying to save myself a little grief," he explained. He started walking again, and she caught back up to him. "It's a little easier to blend in with a normal name, and besides, it's my middle name anyway."

"I guess so," she said, knocking his arm with hers. "Just don't ask me to call you by that."

"Never."

When they got to the restaurant, they were seated near the picture window. They both ordered and sat there sipping on pop through straws watched people walking by on the street.

"You know that I'm bound to ask about Dally, right?"

Ellie froze for a second, wondering if he knew she stayed the night with him. He didn't seem angry or annoyed; his voice was even. It was as though he was actually curious to know. She looked at her hands and shrugged.

"There isn't much to know," she told him, blatantly leaving out the part that she stayed with him at Buck's. "He's been home for three months, and I haven't really seen him all that much."

Pony nodded slowly, clearly not believing her. "Then why did you bring him last night?"

If she knew, she would have explained it to herself. She must have asked herself a dozen times the night before, and then she still woke up beside him. It made her mad sometimes how she always had to rationalize her relationship with him and not just to her friends. Mostly, though, it came down to the fact that she just didn't want him to leave again.

"Two-Bit got married, and you were home. It felt like something he should be there for."

And there was some vague idea to kiss him at midnight, but that didn't happen as planned. Pony gave her a little nod and swirled his straw in the glass. Ellie could only imagine what he was thinking, but if she had to guess, it had something to do with Wade.

"You know," he started, and she braced herself for a conversation she didn't want to have, "After this semester I'm thinking of moving out of the dorms and into an apartment. It's kind of expensive to do that, so I was thinking that maybe you should come to New York after you graduate."

That was certainly not where she expected that to go, and the suggestion shocked her speechless. Pony was looking at her expectantly, begging her with his eyes. She let the idea sink in for a minute.

"You want me to move to New York?"

"Yeah, I do. You already said you weren't sure what you were doing after graduation, so I was thinking maybe you would like to get out of Tulsa for a while. I'd love to show someone around New York. It's been good for me, and I think you'd like it there."

Graduation was six months away, and Ellie was just doing what she could to get through the school year. Now Dally was back in the mix. Even if they were taking things slow, she didn't know if it would be fair if she decided to just up and move away. Though, she realized, he had done far worse without even telling her.

"I don't know," she told him. "That's a huge step."

He shrugged. "You don't have to decide now. I just wanted to put it out there so you'd have time to really think about it."

The waiter stopped by just then and dropped off their lunch. When he left, she was about to ask him more, but Pony picked up a new conversation and Ellie went with it, all the while a huge new question mark popped up in the back of her mind.

XXX

Ellie was shocked, but happy Dally tagged along to the station to see Ponyboy off. He stood off from their group a bit as Pony said his goodbyes and they all ushered him onto his bus bittersweetly. He sat by a window overlooking their small group and waved back to his friends. As the bus started to pull away, he smiled animatedly to Ellie with a thumbs up and then frowned with a thumbs down. Ellie raised her hand and pointed her thumb sideways. Pony smiled and waved. It seemed like maybe that was more than he was expecting.

Their group stood there at the bus station awkwardly. Even Lizzie seemed to feel it – the excitement of Christmas, the specialness of someone coming home for the holidays. It all left along with bus. Ellie expected it to be Two-Bit breaking the silence, but no one was as surprised as her when it was Dallas.

"I don't know about any of you, but I could go for a milkshake right about now."

"Ooh," Lizzie cooed immediately. She looked up at Allison. "Can we, Momma?"

Ellie watched Allison glance over at Darry who also looked surprised. Allison looked over at Dallas and smiled. "I don't see what that would hurt."

He nodded in the direction of Jay's, just down the block. Ellie wanted to loop her arm in is, but instead just fell instep beside him as he started down the street, everyone else following behind.

Once they reached the diner, Dally held the door for Allison and Carolyn. Ellie squeezed his arm as she walked through, and he winked at her. She knew he was trying to make up for New Year's Eve. It may not have been completely sincere, but he was trying and that was more than he had done in the past.

"Aw, shucks, Dal," Two-Bit said, batting his lashes as he walked into the diner through the door. "You're such a gentleman."

"Maybe more than you," Carolyn said as they all squeezed into the rounded booth in the corner. "Last night, he practically nudged me out of bed just to tell me Frankie needed me."

"She did, though," Two-Bit replied. "She specifically asked for you."

"Our three-month old asked for me by name?"

Two-Bit looked at Ellie and shrugged. "I can't help it that she's brilliant. That's not my fault."

"Definitely not your fault since she's smart," Dally remarked.

Two-Bit struggled to come back with a crushing reply which earned a laugh from just about everyone at the table as Ellie leaned into Dally's arm over her shoulder. She glanced back at him as the waitress came to take their order. He was watching her and gave her an almost-smile. Yes, he was trying, and that was all she could ask of him for now. For the briefest of moments, it felt like things were normal.

 _And who else can say that about you, baby?  
_ _Who else can say that about you now?  
_ _And who else can take all your blood and  
_ _Your curses?  
_ _Nobody I've see you hanging around._


	3. Behold the Hurricane

**A/N: Seriously, thank you for welcoming us back. We missed you all.**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. The Horrible Crowes owns "Behold the Hurricane."**

 _I'm in love with the night, every breath of this house creaking  
I'm familiar with the cold and the windows and the doors  
And the sound of my heart beating  
Beating in and out of time_

 **January 1970**

One week into the second semester of her senior year, and Ellie was already drowning in homework. She wanted to do well, but she also just wanted to be done. Will Rogers was a lonely place with few friends to speak of. Two-Bit's sister was a freshman, but their paths never crossed, and Ellie didn't want to drag Lucy into her drama. It was easier to just pour herself into her schoolwork and ignore everything else going on in the hallways. The times she passed Wade just made the long days longer. He rarely made eye contact with her and he was almost always with his pretty new girlfriend, who always managed to stare her down. Those were the moments that made her feel like the worst person in the world. How awful it was to be hated by someone who once loved you.

As she rushed to get to her fourth period math class, she passed Wade going the other direction. Just like always, she kept her head low as she went. She didn't look up to see if he noticed her. Yes, Will Rogers was a lonely place, and she was the only one to blame. She had to stick it out, though, she had to make it to graduation.

XXX

Dally was flipping through a stupid teeny bop type magazine, sitting on her bed, bored to death. Ellie wasn't even paying him any attention as she went back and forth from writing in a notebook and flipping through a textbook. It was after 10:00, plenty of time left to go hunt some action, but she wasn't budging.

He flung the magazine across the room like a frisbee. All she did was glance up at him and then back down at her homework. It annoyed him. It had taken her three months to even want to spend any time with him. Then it was as if he had broken through some wall, but she still wasn't into seeing him all that much.

"Ain't you done yet?"

Without looking up, she said, "No."

He stood up and started pacing the room. He stopped long enough to shuffle through her stack of records and grimaced at the Beatles albums. He held up one of the records. "What's with you and this shit?"

"I like them. Get over it."

She still barely looked up at him, and he moved on. At her dresser, he glanced at himself in the mirror and then stared at her through it.

"How come you didn't do your homework earlier?"

She sighed. "I had to work. I didn't have time."

He glanced at all the pictures and movie ticket stubs stuck in the frame of the mirror, then touched all the girly things on the top of the dresser. There were two copies of the same issue of Reader's Digest that was almost two years old that he looked at for a second without picking up. He opened the lid on a small music box and found a bunch more little trinkets and pictures stuffed inside. He slammed it shut and noticed a stack of letters behind it. When he picked them up, he made eye contact with her in the mirror. She had been watching him.

"What are these?"

"Letters from Soda and Steve," Ellie said.

Thumbing through them, he could tell more were from Soda. He looked at her again. Her notebook was sitting on her lap, her pencil stuck in the textbook.

"They're better pen pals than you."

That was so pointed, he dropped the stack and sat back down on the bed. Reaching over, he shut the notebook and just stared at her.

"I didn't say I was going anywhere tonight," she told him. "I still have a bunch of homework, plus school tomorrow. If you want us to do something, you need to ask me. You can't just show up and expect me to drop everything."

Because he didn't want to apologize, he decided to push her buttons instead. "You should cut tomorrow. We'll go do something."

"You know something?" she asked, a little bite in her words. "I failed my sophomore year because I let myself stop caring. I barely made it through last year, but so far this year, I'm doing halfway decent. I have less than six months until I graduate. I can't afford to fall off that wagon all over again."

There were so few times he could remember her being so forward with him.

"So what are you saying?"

"You're part of the problem."

"Fine, I'll go then," he said as he stood up. He grabbed his coat from where he threw it on her desk chair. He pushed the curtains back, shoved open the window and got angry that they were still climbing in and out of windows to avoid her parents.

"Dal."

He ignored her and climbed out, both feet hitting the ground and crunching in some leaves that had blown against the house.

"Dally."

He was halfway across the lawn when she called out to him again.

"Dallas Winston!"

Turning back, he looked at her hanging out the window expectantly. He lit up a cigarette and sauntered back. He rested his hands on the windowsill and met her head on.

"You know, you could just ask me out this weekend," she said. "I swear I won't be busy."

It was almost flirtatious.

He studied her. "You're not working or babysitting? Nothing you're going to try to use to get out of going?"

He took a drag and took some gratification in her smile.

"You know most of my excuses," she said, tucking her hair back behind her ear. "But no. I won't try and get out of it."

He leaned in and kissed her, still feeling her hesitation. Dropping his cigarette, he pushed her hair back and held her face, kissing her until she broke it off.

"Okay, then. Friday?"

"Yeah, Dollface. I'll pick you up."

XXX

When Dallas picked her up Friday night, Ellie smiled a little to herself. It wasn't like he dressed up. His jeans were well worn and he wore a jean jacket over a faded black shirt, but his hair was just washed and she smelled cologne under the cigarette smoke. He flashed her an honest-to-goodness genuine smile as she slipped into the truck and made a joke about how it took her long enough to finally go out with him again. Even though she was uneasy starting things up with him again, she lived to see him so happy. As he drove, he talked and smiled and laughed a real laugh, and it all reminded her of how he was up at his uncle's farm. He had been quiet and calm, and briefly settled - all things she didn't know he could be.

Ellie wasn't all that thrilled to be headed out to the county fairgrounds for a rodeo, but she was happy as long as Dally was. She could be happy as long as he was there with her, in one piece.

The gravel parking lot around the arena was already packed. Dallas circled around and they saw an open spot in the next row. Dallas sped up and was racing another car coming from the opposite direction for the same spot.

"Slow down," Ellie told him, holding on to the door handle.

He didn't say anything; instead he went faster and swung into the spot, cutting off the other car.

"Did you have to do that?" she asked, looking out the back window and saw the car was now stopped behind them, laying on the horn.

"Do what?" he asked, pulling the keys from the ignition.

They both got out, but Ellie stayed close as Dallas leaned against the bed of the truck and stared down the guys in the other car.

"I was trying to get that spot," a guy with a thick beard hollered. "You cut me off."

"Too bad I got it first," Dally told him. He waved his arm, pointing off to the field in the distance. "Go park over there."

They stared each other down for another few seconds before the guy rolled away. Relief washed over her and she stood in front of him.

"Please. No fights tonight."

Wrapping his arm around her waist and guiding her toward the arena, he asked innocently, "Who's fighting?"

Xxx

Inside it was loud and smelled of dust and horse shit. It was a familiar and comforting smell. It felt good, and he could feel the pieces of himself pull together. Buck wouldn't let him ride for him again, not yet anyway, but Dally knew he was warming up to it. Even if he kept him dangling until summertime, Dallas was happy enough doing shit work for shit money at the stables and the roadhouse.

With the few dollars in his pocket, he got them hot dogs, popcorn, and beer and they sat up in the top row, leaned against the wall, watching the barrel racers. Ellie sat close beside him and he stole glances her way, taking in the way she tucked her hair behind her ear and how damn gorgeous her eyes were when she smiled. A part of him believed she was going to cancel on him, but since New Year's, it was like a switch had been flipped and she stopped pushing him away. Even if she still kept some distance, Dally took what he could get, and tonight was enough. He missed the hell out of her.

She caught him looking. "What?"

"Nothing. I just can't believe you actually came."

"I know and I'm sorry," she said. Dally put his arm across her shoulders, and she settled against him. "I'm having a great time."

There were a dozen things he knew she worried about when it came to him, and he didn't blame her. He had been mad at first, mainly because he failed to realize how much people can change, but he had waited. Lord, had he waited. But now she was out with him, and he breathed her in, grinning to himself about it. Ellie was the only constant in his life. She always came back.

XXX

The events were starting to wind down, and Ellie admitted to herself that she was really enjoying the night. Despite all of her hesitation and misgivings about starting things up with him again, she was happy to be there. Even when he pulled out a flask after the beer was gone.

He pointed different horses out to her, and explained the events even though this was literally not her first rodeo. It was one of the few times she could remember him getting excited about anything, and it made her imagine him back on his uncle's farm caring for his horses. That had been such a good thing for him and she wondered if she could keep distance between him and their friends, that maybe there wouldn't be a repeat of New Year's.

"Come on. Some of Buck's guys are riding tonight. Let's go see them," he said, standing up. He took a nip from the flask and put it back in his jacket. He offered his hand and she stood, following him down the steps.

As he weaved through the crowds and led them back outside toward the stables, a guy with a full beard whistled at them from where he leaned on a horse trailer with three other guys and a couple of girls. Dallas stopped and Ellie felt a familiar dread in the pit of her stomach.

"You're the jackass that cut me off," the man said.

Dallas tensed and let go of her hand. Setting a firm hand on his back, she said quietly, "Let's go."

Naturally, Dallas ignored her.

"I told you I got there first."

"You see, you cut me off, and that don't sit right with me," the guy said, as he came closer.

Desperate to get out of this situation, Ellie grabbed his arm and forcefully said, "Let it go. Come on."

"Maybe you oughta listen to your little bitch there."

And that was as it for trash talk. Dally pushed her back and lunged at the guy and they both went at it. The group of people by the trailers hooted and whistled, egging it on, and Ellie stood back and watched. It certainly wasn't the first fight she had ever watched him instigate, but that didn't stop her from feeling equal parts scared and annoyed.

They were both throwing vicious punches. Once Dally got the other guy on the ground, she thought it had to be all over, but he was as much a fighter as Dally. He worked his arms free and caught Dallas in the chin, and he fell backward in the dust. He wasn't down long enough for the bearded guy to flip the tables, but Dallas didn't last much longer. He took two sucker punches - one to the gut, the other in the ribs - and the bearded guy shoved him against the horse trailer. With a sickening thud, Dallas' head hit first, and he fell limply to the ground.

Running to him, she turned him to his back and gasped at the amount of blood slicked across his face. His eyes were closed and she frantically tried to wake him up, patting his cheek and calling his name over and over again. Behind her, the group was laughing.

When his eyes fluttered open, the bearded guy called for her attention Ellie turned to look at he as he said, "Tell your punk boyfriend he's a wimp."

Rolling her eyes, she focused her attention back on him as the group walked away.

"Hey," she said. "You're okay, just look at me."

Helping him to sit up, she tried to find where he was bleeding from, but it was too dark.

"Where's that fucking asshole?"

He tried to get up, but Ellie planted her hands firmly on his shoulders to keep him down.

"You need to forget about him. You're bleeding like crazy right now," she told him, angrily. "Where are Buck's guys? Which stable?"

Once he mumbled a stable number to her, she helped him to his feet and steadied him when he wobbled a bit.

"I'm fine," he snapped at her.

Blood was pouring down his face and neck, and soaked into the collar of his jacket. He couldn't stand up straight either. Ellie shook her head in disbelief and started toward the stables.

When she finally found the stable there were three cowboys standing around drinking and laughing about something. They all stopped when they saw Dally, but Dally laughed off his appearance and they offered him a beer. He sat on an overturned bucket and guzzled from the bottle. Ellie hovered over him, wanting to yank the bottle away.

"Looks like that sonuvabitch really got you," one of them said.

"Damn, boy, looks like you're going to need stitches!" another said.

"It ain't nothing," Dally joked, "just a bump on the head."

"Just a bump on the head that knocked you clean out!" Ellie snapped.

He ignored her, and she looked over at the cowboys.

"Do you have anywhere I can clean him up?"

"Sure, sugar."

Dallas got to his feet and they followed the cowboy back through the rows of stalls and back inside the arena. One of the guys handed Dally a half empty bottle of bourbon as he passed by, and Ellie fumed when he tipped to drink from it.

He led them to a little bathroom just inside the arena door, and he pointed at the door.

"I'll get you some stuff to clean him up."

"Thanks," Ellie told him as she pushed Dallas inside.

Dally sat on the toilet and Ellie wadded up a handful of paper towels and wet them down. Carefully, she wiped at his head and tried to find where he was bleeding from. He kept tipping the bourbon bottle back, stealing little nips, and making it harder for her to work. Frustrated, she pressed the towel against his head hard enough to make him wince and grabbed the bottle from him.

"If you have a concussion, that's not going to help," she said. She tried to dump the rest in the sink, but he grabbed it back. "Damnit, Dally."

"Calm down," he said, laughing.

There was a knock on the door, and it opened a little. The cowboy stuck his head and arm in and handed her a first aid kit.

"Hope this helps. Come over when you're done," he said, closing the door behind him.

Opening the kit, she saw iodine and some bandages, and hastily thrown in was a small sewing kit. _Not a chance,_ she thought to herself.

She pulled the towel away and finally saw the inch long gash just on his hairline. It looked deep.

"It needs stitches," she told him.

Tipping the bottle back, he said, "So stitch it up."

She looked down at him with disbelief.

"What?"

Reaching across to the open first aid kit on the counter, she pilfered through one handed looking for iodine. "I'm not a nurse, so no. I'm not doing that."

For a half second, she thought about calling Allison, and then she just as quickly dismissed it. Asking her would invite so much more concern and looks from both her and Darry that would set her teeth on edge.

"You need to go to the hospital."

"That ain't happening, Dollface."

"Well, me sewing up your face isn't going to happen either. Have you seen Tim's face? He made me sew up it up when it got busted open by a pop bottle. It's not pretty."

Passing a sewing needle through Tim Shepard's face was a horrific memory, not to mention her handiwork wasn't anything to brag about. She shuddered at the thought and Dally just stared at her. Breaking his gaze, she peered at the wound through the blood again.

"Shepard cut up his whole face, this ain't nothing."

"I don't care. I'm not doing it."

Letting go, she pulled a fresh paper towel, folded it over, and poured iodine on it. Turning back to him, still avoiding eye contact, she dabbed at his cut. Dally barely winced and all the cut did was continue bleeding. As she tried to keep pressure on the wound, Dally just stared at her with icy eyes that sliced right through her.

"What?"

"What did he do to you?"

"What are you talking about?"

He took a swig from the bottle. "Shepard."

Even halfway drunk, his gaze cut into her. It took a lot to keep her expression bored.

"Nothing. Why do you assume anything even happened anyway?"

As soon as she asked, she wished she hadn't. Personally, she hadn't seen Dally in so long that she hoped he had forgotten there was ever anything between her and Tim.

"Because you ain't convinced me that nothing happened."

It was hard to keep her face neutral when Dally pushed her about Tim. All she wanted to do was forget.

"Me and Tim is ancient history. Quit worrying about stuff you don't have a reason to worry about."

Grabbing his hand, she placed it to the towel and told him to hold it there as she moved to the sink. She let the water run and set the stopper.

"You're the one that visited him in prison not all that long ago."

Without looking at him, she shrugged and said nothing. Deep down, her stomach churned painfully. She pulled another wad of paper towels free and set them on the counter.

"And then, there's the story I heard about you busting up his car with a crowbar."

Fire crept into her cheeks, and she struggled with how to answer for her actions. Maiming Tim's car was not the proudest moment of her life, but it wasn't necessarily the least proud either. However, discussing it with Dally was not something she was prepared to do. For a few seconds, she stared right back at him and considered what she wanted to say. The answer was more complicated than she would ever tell him, so she gave him the one that would make him shut up.

"I found out he gave you that gun."

That kept him silent and, as far as she could tell, pacified on the issue.

She moved his hand away and pulled off the bloodied towel. Gently, she cleaned up the blood already matted to his scalp and tried to get it off his cheek with the soaked towels. She thought carefully about what she wanted to say next, but Dally opened his mouth first.

"He was just using you."

He said it to her like she was stupid.

"Well, I used him too."

He laughed and it struck such a raw nerve that she looked right into his eyes and blurted out, "But no more than you did. At least Tim never tried to fool me that we were anything else."

It was hard to believe the evening started so pleasantly and now they were spitting venom at each other. Ellie pulled the paper towel away and just stared at him. Dally stared back with cold eyes.

"I told you I didn't use you," he said, slowly.

She took an opportunity to throw his own words back into his face. "You haven't convinced me you didn't."

"I fucking came back," he yelled at her. "I'm here. I've been here."

"Yeah, here you are," she said softly.

For the life of her, she couldn't understand how they could always go from great to awful so quickly. She looked down at her hands stained red with blood like a bad memory from three years ago and felt like crying. Though, when she heard the bottle tip back sadness returned to frustration and she reached up and snatched it from his hand. This time she was quicker than him and she dumped the rest into the sink.

"Fuck," he said, more disappointed than angry, though the look in his eyes was dangerous.

Ellie held his gaze, "Whatever issues you have with me, it's not Tim's fault. Leave him out of your problems and just let it go. Nothing happened. I moved on from him. It's been you since then. It's always you, and you know that."

Even when she broke his gaze to try and move on, he never stopped staring at her. And in a low tone, he replied, "Except for the other guy."

Ellie could not talk about Wade with Dallas any more than she had ever been able to talk about Dallas with Wade.

Without looking at him, she said quietly, "That's history, too."

Desperate to change the subject, she decided she would stitch him up herself.

XXX

It was late by the time Ellie was able to convince Dallas to hand over his keys and get him into the truck. He spent most of the drive attempting to keep his eyes open and still ended up falling asleep in his seat. When she pulled up in front of the roadhouse, she didn't even put the truck in park.

He sat there, staring ahead until he finally said, "I'm sorry."

An apology was unexpected, but Ellie's only reply was exasperated. "Just go sleep it off."

"I know I fucked everything up."

"You do know that you don't have to give in to every fight, right? That you're not some 16-year-old hoodlum running the neighborhood? It doesn't impress me. It never impressed me," she said. "It's just stupid."

He was still staring out the windshield, rubbing his forehead.

"He called you a bitch."

Finally, she put the truck in park. "I've been called worse by people I actually care about. I can handle some jerk I don't know calling me names. You can defend my honor or whatever, but don't get yourself killed over it."

"I had him," he said, looking at her.

"Until he smashed your head into a wall. Jesus, Dal."

He ran his fingers over the uneven line of stitches she placed, and he said again, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you do it."

No, he shouldn't have, but Ellie knew that despite the fact she did not want to push a needle through his scalp, she was always going to do it. When it came to Dallas Winston, she always caved.

"I can get over that, but if we're going to do this, I need some things from you," she said. He looked at her, silent and still drunk, but she could see that he was listening. "Stop picking fights and drinking yourself stupid. And you can't be mad at me because I dated someone other than you. You don't get to push me around over Tim or Wade. What happened when I was with them is between them and me. I chose you, Dallas. I chose you over everything. I always do."

For the longest time, he sat there silent and brooding. Finally, he cleared his throat and sat up a little in his seat to face her again. Through the fresh bruises, she could see the pain in his eyes as he asked, "If you could do it all over again, would you have left with me that night?"

Ellie thought back to all of the things that happened because of that decision, between hurting Wade and interrupting the quiet life Dally was leading and the lost pregnancy.

She chose her words carefully. "I would have done it differently, but it still would have been you."

When he took her hand, she didn't pull away. He kissed it and released it. "Drive safe, Dollface."

He got out of the truck and trudged up the steps, slamming the front door behind him. She almost got out and went after him, but she thought the better of it, instead heading home where she belonged.

 _And it's such a shame, I heard the wind say this morning  
Be still my heart, I age by years at the mention of your name  
What a pity, this season  
You remember me, my lover  
I don't recognize myself  
_ _I'm not the man you love  
Behold the hurricane_


	4. Your Black Heart Raging Over Me

**A/N: This story wasn't intended to be entirely inspired by The Gaslight Anthem, but we can't help it.** **Thanks for reading, as always.**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** _ **The Outsiders**_ **. The Gaslight Anthem owns 'Sweet Morphine.'**

 _There are three things never satisfied  
The grave, your heart and mine  
But I will hold you in my arms, where rust and sorrow lie_

 _Underneath the bounding main tonight_

 **January 1970**

Ellie was lost in thought as she sat on the couch, watching Lizzie parade her toy ponies down her little dog's back. Andy just lay there, his shaggy tail wagging until it knocked down all the ponies she had carefully placed around him.

"Oh no!" Lizzie giggled, carefully lining the horses up again.

Andy's tail just wagged harder the louder she laughed. She almost had them all situated again as Darry and Allison walked in, arms filled with groceries, and Andy jumped up, trampling each of them.

"Will you tell Ellie 'thank you' for watching you?" Allison told Lizzie as she side-stepped Andy and the stampede of horses on the floor.

"Thanks, Ellie!" Lizzie said, throwing her arms around Ellie's neck and plopping down next to her on the couch.

"Thanks, El," Darry added.

"We had fun," she replied, wrapping her arm around the little girl.

"Wanna stay for dinner?" Darry asked. "We've got fried chicken. Plenty extra."

Lizzie begged beside her and Ellie smiled. "Sure. Two-Bit's meeting me here later anyway."

"Go wash up for dinner, little one," Darry said, swatting at Lizzie to hurry her toward the bathroom. She giggled and Darry took her spot on the couch.

"That have anything to do with Dal's truck out there?"

She regarded him warily, not sure she wanted to get into it.

"I figured he'd be over to pick it up. I was surprised it was still here when we got back."

"I'm gonna drop it off at Buck's. Two-Bit's bringing me back home."

"He surprised me that day Pony left. The milkshakes and all."

"Yeah, he's full of surprises," Ellie replied flatly.

"Seemed like he was trying."

She shrugged. "He tries and then he doesn't. I don't know."

It wasn't that hard to tell that he was biting his tongue about Dally's behavior on New Year's. Ellie didn't bring it up, either.

"Come on, kiddo," Darry said, standing up and pulling her with him. "Eat some dinner. Cheer up. Don't let Dally bring you down."

"I feel like you've told me this before," she said, wondering for the thousandth time if Allison had ever broken her promise and told him about her miscarriage. He had never said anything, but sometimes she just believed that he knew. Though, he was pretty quiet with his judgments about Dallas, so she always convinced herself her secret was safe.

"Somebody's gotta look out for you."

She wished that wasn't always true.

XXX

Two-Bit had gone out of his way to follow her up to Buck's to drop off Dally's truck and give her a ride home. He instantly told her he would and she had the whole ride up alone with her thoughts. She hadn't really spoken to Dallas, but he did call the morning after their disaster of a date to make sure she had made it home and was doing ok. Ellie told him she was and to make sure he kept his stitches clean, then she hung up on him. As though he knew she needed the space, he didn't push it. It gave her some relief to have some time without him. He wasn't even there when she dropped off his truck, and she was on her way back with Two-Bit after a few minutes.

As he drove, Ellie kept thinking and overthinking her relationship with Dally. If it was four or five years ago, she knew she would have shrugged off the way he acted. There was something about him still having such a short fuse and the way he would spar with her, that just left her feeling exhausted and worried. He had apologized, though. She knew it was because he meant it and not because he was trying to get back on her good side. That was a step in the right direction for him.

"You ok?" Two-Bit asked her.

"Do you ever worry about doing something even if it's something you want?"

"You mean like hooking back up with your on-again/off-again boyfriend that you didn't have any contact with for years?"

She almost got mad at him, but the grin on his face was enough to let her know he was only kidding. Darry would have had a lot more to say.

"You guys are just rusty. It's been awhile. Dal will figure his shit out and grow up."

Ellie could tell he actually believed that and wasn't say it just for her benefit. Two-Bit always had her back when it came to the gang's opinion of Dally. He wouldn't lie to her just to make her feel better.

She sighed. "I really think he tries. But he's still Dallas."

"And you're Ellie and you're not a kid anymore and if I know anything about you, it's that you've got your shit handled. I'm pretty damn sure that he loves the hell out of you, so he's going to do what it takes to keep you."

She was pretty sure that no one had ever thought she had her shit handled, but it was nice that he was trying to make her believe it. If anything, she was only just learning to tie up the loose, frayed ends of her life. Dallas introduced a huge obstacle and ever since he came home, she constantly worried that he could derail her progress. And it wasn't only her well-being she was worried about; he could be as delicate as he was tough. She didn't know how to balance it like she used to. Neither one of them could afford the fallout of a life blown apart again.

"Just take it one day at a time, and things will happen how they're supposed to. If he misbehaves you come tell me and I'll set him straight."

Ellie relaxed a little at his bright smile. He kept her laughing until he dropped her off in front of her house. Ellie waved him off and started for inside, stealing a glance at Steve's house and wondering what he would have to say about Dallas. She would have paid any price for him to scold her, but it would still be months before it was time for him to come home.

Checking the mailbox before she went in, she smiled at the sight of a letter from Sodapop and ran inside and straight to her room. She read the letter twice, taking in his assurance that he was doing as well as possible and actually enjoying seeing some of the things Vietnam had to offer. She couldn't imagine anything being worth mentioning, but he seemed to be able to find the good in the bad. He even offered his own advice on Dallas.

 _I'm glad you're giving him a chance. After everything, someone needed to be there for him. It was always going to be you, so I hope he's treating you the way he should (like a princess, but given it's Tulsa and he's Dallas, I'll settle for him just making you smile). If he's not … well, you let him know it and don't put up with any bullshit. If he loves you, make him prove it. You deserve that._

She missed Soda's intimate view of the world and his heartfelt advice as much as she missed Steve's ability to chide her back into reality when she fell astray. Together they could always keep her in check.

XXX

For almost a solid minute, Dallas paced in front of Two-Bit's apartment door, trying to decide if he really needed do what he came to do. He hadn't seen Ellie in over a week because he knew he would only continue to fuck things up, and it was killing him.

Finally, he got over his own bullshit and rapped his knuckles on the door. It took forever, but Two-Bit finally answered with a tiny baby cradled in his arms. Dallas looked at her mildly disgusted, then nodded at Two-Bit.

"What's up, man?" he said as Two-Bit ushered him in. "Nice digs."

"Thanks. It's not a palace or anything, but it's home."

Dally tried to ignore the way Two-Bit was looking him over, staring at the mostly healed, but still yellowed, bruises on his face.

"I got in a fight."

"I can see that. I hope you won."

The kid in his arms whimpered and then started to full on cry. Dally tried to ignore her, but it was shrill. He followed Two-Bit into the tiny kitchen and sat himself down at the table. Two-Bit prepared a bottle with one hand while the baby cried in his other. When he set the bottle in a pot of water to warm on the stove, he turned around.

"So, what's up?"

"I, uh, I wanted to ask you about Ellie."

He had been rocking the kid back and forth, and he slowed to a stop. "Ask what?"

"I fucked up the other night. I took her out and things were going great and all, but then this shit happened," he said, pointing to his face.

"So, you got in a fight on your date and I'm guessing she didn't think it was great like old times."

Dallas had a feeling there wasn't any guessing involved.

"That covers it."

"What do you want me to tell you?"

Ellie always insisted that they were all still his friends, but even Two-Bit couldn't hide the fact that he had chosen a side. He tried to shrug off the feeling of being that much of an outsider in their gang.

"Look, I came back and we're finally talking again. She acts like she wants this, but it's like she's scared or something."

Two-Bit gave him a long look, more serious than Dally had ever seen him.

"You disappeared on her more than once and, you know, one time you got shot up in front of her. Why wouldn't she be a little scared to get back with you?"

Pain and heat raised in his chest, and he clenched his fists hard enough he felt his nails threaten to break through the skin of his palms.

"That was three fucking years ago," he said slowly and deliberately.

Two-Bit looked down at his daughter. "That was was seriously awful shit, Dal. It fucked up everyone. It took her a long time to come to terms with it."

Jesus, everyone made such a big deal about something that didn't kill him when Johnny died the same night. He was alive. He was in one piece. They all needed to realize that and quit digging up the past. Suddenly, he didn't remember why it was he came and he wanted to leave. He was about to stand up and go when Two-Bit stepped over and forced the baby into his arms. Panicking because the little blob of a person was actually heavier than he thought she would be, the kid scrunched up her face and started screaming all over again.

"What the fuck?" Dallas asked, awkwardly holding the kid and looking at Two-Bit incredulously, his whole body rigid.

"Just a second. I need two hands," he said as he lifted the bottle from the pot. He turned it over and squirted some on his wrist and looked satisfied. Dallas about lost his shit completely when he stuck the bottle in the kid's mouth instead of taking her back. "Oh, come on, Dal, just hold it. It'll make her stop crying."

Dally looked up at Two-Bit like he was insane. There wasn't a chance he was going to do this. Except Two-Bit had already let go of the bottle and was stepping back and he just didn't have a choice.

Dally held the bottle and watched as she desperately started sucking and she instantly calmed. Big blue eyes looked up at him and she made tiny, satisfied sounds as she ate. Dallas had never felt more uncomfortable in his life, and he was terrified he was going to drop her. Looking up, he caught the shit eating grin on Two-Bit's face, and he wanted to knock his lights out.

It took all of a second for Two-Bit to drop the grin and look about as humorless as Dally had ever seen him. "I'll level with you, Dal, but I won't go behind her back on all this. She loves you, man, but you have some work to do. For starters, don't get into fights when you're out with her. We're not kids anymore and she knows you're a tough guy. You don't have to prove that to her. And for seconds, you gotta take her somewhere other Buck's. I know you're staying there, and that's cool and all, but let her pick a place to go or surprise her with something. She'll get a kick out of it."

All of those were givens, but he knew it was all shit he needed work on.

"She's grown up a lot in the past year, and between you leaving her high and dry, Steve and Soda shipping off, and Pony moving to New York, she's had a hard time. I mean, it's been hard on all of us, but she's been trying real hard to not fall into old habits."

If Dallas Winston was anything, he was that old habit. Looking back down at the kid in his arms, he considered it and thought about why. Ellie told him she failed a year of school and even said he was part of the problem. He thought about the kid at the school dance.

"What about that other guy?" he asked.

Two-Bit's eyebrows went up and sighed. "What about him?"

"He a good habit for her?"

"Look, Wade was a real nice guy to her. He was patient, because Lord, she made him wait a long time for her, and he did all kinds of nice things for her. I think he made her real happy."

Those were things nobody had ever said about him, and he felt that deep-seeded jealousy again. The baby's eyes were closed and she had stopped drinking from her bottle. Two-Bit finally took her from him and set her against his shoulder, gently patting her back. Dally relaxed in the hard chair.

"I think she loved him, but not like she ever loved you, and Wade was just the last one to know."

Dally stayed silent, letting all of that sink in and Two-Bit continued.

"When you showed up, I think it was everything she wanted, but man, when you skipped town again, it really broke her. It was a shitty thing to do."

He knew that, and he would never get the image of her in his rearview mirror out of his mind. Back then, he didn't know another way. He let her get too close too fast, and he had to go. It was bullshit, he knew that, but it was what he needed at the time. If he was an asshole now, he didn't even want to imagine what he would have been capable of months ago if he had stayed.

Two-Bit interrupted his thoughts. "I know you've got your own shit going on. Ellie knows it too, but please don't drag her back down into it. Don't use her to make yourself whole."

"I don't use her," he snapped.

There was a look in Two-Bit's eyes that Dallas was becoming accustomed to lately. Two-Bit, Darry, Darry's wife, and even Ellie had this critical, yet uncertain look that made him so uncomfortable. If anything, Dallas was well aware of his fuck ups; it was a lot to take when everyone around him constantly reminded him, too.

"I'm rooting for you, man," Two-Bit said. "Just don't make me regret it."

"I know I'm a piece of shit, but I'm trying here," Dally told him.

Two-Bit gave him that same look while he stood there and held the baby.

"I can tell you one thing that I know would make her really, really happy," he finally said. "It's even an easy one. Bring her lunch while she's at school. I try to go once a week, but it's been hard since this one's been born and I haven't made it over. She's a year behind with none of us are there anymore. I know she's lonely as all get out."

Dally scoffed at the suggestion. It sounded so stupid. He sat there, watching Two-Bit with his kid and knew he would do it all the same.

"It's the little things, man. Bring her lunch, pick her up from work, help her with Danny when she has to babysit, quit making Buck's your only destination. You can always take her to some other crap bar in town."

That made him laugh. "What time does she go to lunch?"

XXX

In the passenger seat was a sack with two burgers and two orders of fries with two cups of Coke sitting precariously beside them. He drove to Will Rogers and pulled around back, slowly going up the drive and parking on the curb where Two-Bit said she would be.

Part of him thought Two-Bit was just messing around, trying to make him look like an idiot, but she was already outside, sitting alone on the back steps despite the cold and gray weather. When she noticed him, he didn't miss how wide her eyes went despite how far away she was. He watched as she gathered her stuff, skipped down the steps, and dashed across the sidewalk. He pulled the food across the seat to make room for her as she climbed in. There was a little smile on her face.

"What's all this?"

"Thought you might be hungry," he said, handing her a burger.

"I am. Thanks," she said.

When he caught her looking at him a little too long and a with a lot of questions in her bright eyes, he busied himself with his own lunch. He avoided looking at her until she started talking again.

"How's your head?"

Reflexively, he reached up and felt the gash. "It's good. I took the stitches out. They itched like crazy."

She leaned in close and he lowered his head some, feeling her fingers flutter over his scalp. "It looks ok. Sorry it was so crooked."

Now she was apologizing and he felt like shit for putting in her the position to do it in the first place. He wanted to say something, but he choked on his own apology. It was easier to change the subject.

"You'll have to let me know what you want next time," he said.

An airy smile crossed her lips. "Next time?"

"What? You eat lunch everyday, don't you?"

"I do and I'd love that," she said.

They ate in the warm cab until the warning bell rang, and she sighed heavily. She packed up all of her trash and looked at him expectantly.

"Can we just start over?" she asked.

"Again?"

"Things got off real rocky, but I think we can do better," she answered as she leaned in.

Dally had his arm across the back of the seat and he dropped it to her waist, pulling her closer.

"Sure we can," he said, kissing her. She leaned into it, but he put the brakes on before either one of them could ask for more. "You're gonna be late."

A disheartened look crossed her face, and Dally remembered how Two-Bit said she was lonely at school. He could tell that it wouldn't take much to make her skip right then which is why he decided to not push it. He knew he'd just prove everyone right if he did.

Planting one more kiss on him, she gathered up her books and flashed him a smile before she got out of the truck and ran for the door. The bell rang again before he even left the parking lot, and he knew she was late. As he started to head back up to Buck's, he couldn't help but smile.

 _And by now, you must've found better than me  
I'm sure Jupiter and Orpheus have charmed you off your feet  
By now, I'm sure you've gotten over me  
While you're kissing clouds and gods, I'll be crawling on my knees_


	5. She Loves You

**A/N: Thank you again for all of your reviews! We were glad to see more people found us after so long!**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hintonowns _The Outsiders_ and The Gaslight Anthem owns 'She Loves You.'**

 _And if all was well  
And if your heart could find the words  
Would we be for better, baby?  
Would we be for worse?_

 **February 1970**

The night was good. They had had good nights in the past, but not in a long time. He was happy, agreeable, and didn't pick any fights, but Ellie picked places that probably wouldn't have invited any. The pizza joint for dinner and then she made him go see MASH with her, even though it just made her think of Soda and Steve. The biggest move he put on her in the dark theater was to put his arm around her shoulders. And because she didn't want him to be bored, she said they should go to Charlie's after. Even there, he kept it simple and tame, drinking slowly, playing pool, and pumping coins into the jukebox.

It was a great night. They didn't talk about anything meaningful - she was too scared to bring up Johnny or any of the number of big things she knew he didn't want to talk about - but she felt like they made some headway. He seemed happy and, maybe more importantly, he seemed content. For the moment, he seemed to be easing into a life that would include her and maybe the rest of the gang eventually.

Yes, if every night could be like this one, she believed that everything could work out. Maybe her fears and doubts would be unfounded.

Even parked in his truck outside of her house when it was late, she kissed and kissed him, feeling delighted with how things were in the moment. When she pulled away, he looked disappointed.

To ease the look on his face a little, she said, "Come over tomorrow. I'm watching Danny all evening because Mom picked up a shift and Jimmy's been working evenings. I'll make you dinner."

His eyebrows shot up. "What time?"

"Six."

"I'll be here."

Leaning in, she kissed him again and when they parted, neither wanted it to end.

"Hey," he said, as he reached into his shirt. She watched as his pulled his Christopher medal over his head. It swayed in the space between them. "Are we back to this point? Sunday dinner and all makes it seem like it."

Ellie watched it swing and glint off of the streetlights and thought about the first time he gave it to her. They had fought because she was mad about something to do with Sylvia. Right then, she wasn't angry about anything.

She smiled. "I think so."

He smiled a little and slipped it over her head. She kissed him again and went inside before he could talk her into more.

XXX

After working her morning shift at the store, Ellie shopped for a few groceries to make Dally dinner, and walked home. Her mom wasn't thrilled he was coming over, but Ellie promised her it was going to fine. For as uninvolved as her mom had been for most of her life, she sure had a lot of opinions about Dallas. Things had been so rough for Abigail after Danny was born that Ellie actually welcomed her concern.

"Please just remember that Danny is here," Abby said, scooping up her keys.

She tried not to roll her eyes. "When have I ever forgotten?"

Her mom gave her a long look, then bent down and kissed Danny on the head. "You two be good."

The door had no more closed and Danny immediately went bonkers running around the kitchen table with a toy car in both hands. Ellie maneuvered around him as he crashed them on the floor and started to drive them around as she started dinner. When the phone rang, she wiped her hands on her jeans and hopped over Danny to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Ellie? Hey, it's Pony."

She grinned to herself. "I thought it was Mike now?"

"Never to you or anyone there."

Stretching the cord and cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder, she went back to preparing dinner as she talked to him.

"What's going on? You don't usually call me on Sunday afternoon. Everything ok?"

"Yeah, it's great. I'm really busy with school and work, but I'm good."

"Well good. So, what's up?"

"You know, Johnny's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. It's a Sunday and all. Would you still go to Windrixville without me?"

She stopped what she was doing and held the phone. For as much as she had been thinking about Johnny lately, she hadn't considered going to Windrixville.

"Sure," she said, a little hesitant.

"I wish I could come home for it. I didn't really want to ask you to go by yourself."

"I'm glad you did. I'd really like to."

"Thanks," he said. "There's a pinball machine in a diner near campus. I think I'll spend some time there."

Ellie smiled to herself remembering Johnny and that pinball game at the bowling alley.

"If you don't want to go alone, I'm sure Darry or Two-Bit would go." He paused for a moment, and Ellie braced herself. "Maybe even Dallas."

She struggled to come up with something to say, but Pony cut in. "Johnny would probably like it if he did."

Dallas had been Johnny's hero. The guy who was the complete opposite of him, but the one he so clearly wanted to be like, and Dallas had loved him like a kid brother. Ellie knew she would never be able to talk Dally into it, but she lied to Pony anyway.

"He might. I'll see what I can do."

On the other end, she could tell he didn't believe her. "Maybe it would be good for him."

"Could be," she said softly.

They were both quiet for a second, but Danny was still behind her crashing cars into chair legs, creating his own sound effects.

"Is that Danny?"

"Yeah. He's crashing cars into furniture."

"Sounds like fun," he said. There was some commotion on his end, and he came back to her with a sigh. "Hey, I got to go. Thanks for going for me."

"I'm happy to."

"Hey, and don't forget what we talked about. You know? About moving here? Don't give me an answer yet, just really think about it, ok?"

It was if he assumed she was going to tell him no right then and there, which was probably true, but she still was annoyed by that.

"I promise," she said.

"Ok then. I'll talk to you later."

She wished him goodnight and hung up. Danny stopped playing and was looking up at her. Ellie did think about New York, but all she really thought was that there wasn't a way she could go.

Pushing that to the back of her mind, Ellie instead focused on Windrixville and whether or not she would ask Dally to go. She fretted as she cooked and decided to wait and see what his mood was, but even then, she knew it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't go. He would probably only get mad at her for bringing it up and then still refuse to talk about Johnny or how he got shot and then went to prison. It was all so predictable and yet she knew she would still bring it up.

When he knocked on the door at a quarter after six, Danny ran for it and reached on his tiptoes to answer. Using all his little strength, he twisted the knob and pulled it open, telling her he could do it by himself when she asked if he needed help. Dallas stood on the porch and gave her a slight smile.

"Thanks, man," he said to Danny as he stepped in.

Ellie kissed him and they went into the kitchen where Dallas sat in the chair Danny was crashing cars into. He looked around, and she tried to judge his mood.

"Smells good," he said.

"Thanks. It's not anything special. Just pork chops, potatoes, and vegetables." She was suddenly nervous. This felt a lot like playing house.

"Special enough."

Danny sat himself back on the floor and pushed his cars around. Ellie set the table and started laying out dishes of food, and Dally watched both quietly.

"Hungry, buddy?" she asked, leaning down to Danny.

"Yeah."

Picking him up, she pushed his cars out from underfoot and set him in the chair beside hers. She poured him some milk and finally sat down.

"Looks good," Dally said. "I haven't eaten like this in awhile."

She wanted to ask if the last time had been at Lane's, but she chickened out. Instead, they served themselves and started eating. Things were quiet, but Danny didn't keep it that way. He didn't eat much and hopped back down to get his cars.

"You need to eat a little more, buddy," she told him.

"I don't like it," he said, rolling a red car back and forth on the table. "I want pancakes."

"You had pancakes for breakfast."

"This is really good, though," Dally piped up.

Ellie looked at him, surprised. He made a production out of eating a bite of pork chop and Danny stared at him.

"This is way better than pancakes."

The car slowed in his hands and Danny watched Dally eat. "Pancakes are my favorite."

"Well, pork chops are my favorite," Dally countered.

She knew Dally didn't have much love for kids, or at least he was careful to never let on. Amused, Ellie watched their exchange.

Danny argued, "Pancakes have syrup."

Looking at the table and not finding anything, Dally got up and opened the refrigerator. He looked around and pulled out two bottles and sat back down. Ellie hid her smile with her fingers as he set up bottles of barbecue sauce and ketchup.

"Pork chops can have these."

She could tell Danny was gaining interest because he stood up and leaned on the table looking closely.

Pointing at the barbecue sauce bottle, he said, "I don't like that one."

"Good, because that one is for me." He pushed the ketchup bottle forward. "What about this one?"

Danny nodded and Dallas slid bottle across the table gently, which made Danny laugh. Ellie grabbed the bottle and poured some on his plate. She watched, mystified, as he climbed back into his chair and ate every piece on his plate after that. She gave Dallas an amused look and he just nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders.

When they finished, Ellie cleaned up quickly while the boys pushed cars back and forth on the table. Dally has set up the condiment bottles as a goal and Danny seemed like he would never tire of playing that game. Dallas looked happy, too.

XXX

After dinner, Ellie cleaned up and gave Danny a quick bath and put him to bed. She was kind of amazed he went down so easily, but Dally had played with him enough that he was tired out. Closing bedroom door behind her, she went back to the living room and sat beside Dally on the couch. The Ed Sullivan show had already started, but it was turned way down.

"You were really good with him," she said. "He's going to talk about you all day tomorrow."

He only shrugged and she saw a modicum of embarrassment on his face.

"You watch him a lot?"

"Not as much as I used to. It's gotten better." Over the last few months when it felt like everything else had fallen apart in her life, her family had seemed to pull themselves together and actually function.

Things were quiet again, and she scooted closer and laid her head on his shoulder. They watched the nearly silent TV in her nearly silent house. Cuddling on the couch wasn't something they had really ever done before, and all Ellie could think about was the conversation she needed to have with him. He didn't seem like he was in a bad mood, but he also seemed to be a little anxious. She waited a little while longer just so she could soak in this contented mood before she ruined it. When the next show began, she took her chance.

"Ponyboy called before you got here tonight."

She felt him tense up and she raised her head from his shoulder. He didn't ask what Pony had said.

"The last couple of years, me and him have gone to Windrixville on Johnny's birthday which is coming up."

"So?" he said in a clipped tone.

"So, Pony obviously can't go and he asked if I would." Choosing her next words carefully, she continued, "I was thinking maybe you would want to go with me. We could make a day of it, get some lunch, and maybe see your uncle."

His lips were set in a grim line, and he sat there motionless for a moment. When he did speak, his tone was sharp and bitter.

"Why the fuck would you go to Windrixville for his birthday?"

"It was always what Pony wanted to do. He usually asked me along."

"The kid busted his fucking back there and died because of it," he said, his tone guttural. "Ain't nothing left anyway."

This was the most she had gotten out of him regarding Johnny. Ellie was both sad for him and scared of him, more so when he finally looked at her with those cold eyes.

"Look, you don't have to go, I just thought -"

He cut her off suddenly. "You didn't fucking think. There ain't a reason to go up there. There's nothing there and he's dead."

Even though she was scared to go on, Ellie finally saw the opportunity to get him talking and she tried delicately.

"I'm going because Pony asked me to. I can come home early and we can do something else for his birthday. Even go play on the pinball machine at the bowling alley," she said, even though she made it a point to avoid the bowling alley because of Wade.

But he didn't say anything. He got up and looked around until he found his coat. Following him, she put herself between him and the door.

"I know you don't want to, but eventually you're going to have to talk about him to someone. It may as well be me," she said, pleading with him. "Please."

He stood there, staring so intently that he nearly stared right through her, until he moved around her.

"There's nothing to talk about. If you go up there, leave me out of it, and leave Lane alone, too."

He slammed the door shut behind him. She stood in the reverberations, holding his Christopher medal in her clasped hand.

XXX

Dallas drove back to Buck's in a fury. The night had been nice, he actually enjoyed sitting down to dinner with her and her kid brother. It was unexpectedly great and something that seemed like could become something normal, but she threw that out the window. She had to bring up Johnny like that.

Inside, he tossed his pack of smokes on the bar and sat down. Buck gave him a look and Dally just motioned for a drink.

"Starting late?"

"Shut up," Dally told him, downing half a mug of beer without taking a breath. There was a bottle of whiskey that was a little less than half full on the back shelf. "Give me that Jack."

Slowly, Buck set it and a shot glass on the counter. "It's coming out of what I owe you."

"Whatever," Dally said, pouring a shot.

He couldn't get himself drunk quick enough as he thought about what Ellie tried to pull by getting him to go to Windrixville, of all damn places. He couldn't think too much about that kid. The memories tore him up inside, and he knew it was all his fault. Pony knew it. He saw it on the kid's face on New Years. Darry's, too. Everybody knew it; they just wouldn't say it.

When he collapsed on his bed, the world spun even when his eyes were closed. He thought about that burning church and Johnny dying and the way he couldn't do anything to save him. He thought about robbing the U-Tote-M and how cold the ground was when he fell. He thought about Ellie seeing him in the hospital and knowing that if he didn't get away from her, he would lose her too. Eventually he fell asleep and had nightmares clogged with black smoke and screaming kids.

 _I've been down_ _  
_ _I've been out_ _  
_ _Had my head and my heart kicked around_


	6. Until It Breaks Your Heart

**A/N: Thank you again for all of your kind reviews!**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_ and The Gaslight Anthem owns 'Break Your Heart.'**

 _It would break your heart, if you knew me well,  
See, I have run so far that I've lost myself,  
And there are things I have seen that I never will tell,  
They drove me out of my mind and inside of myself._

 **March 1,1970**

Cigarette smoke hung thick in the air, and he was already on his third drink, alone in a dark bar near their neighborhood. He'd walked from Ellie's house because he'd left her his truck so she could go to Windrixville. She hadn't asked for it; Dallas just felt like leaving it. Maybe it was the small part of him that felt like he should go with her, but mainly he did it so she didn't have to ask her jerk of a stepdad.

Tipping his glass back, he mumbled to himself, "One for caring."

The bartender asked him if he wanted another and even though he did, he shook his head. He left some cash on the bar and walked out into blinding sunlight.

On Johnny's twentieth birthday, he was drunk and alone and it was barely past noon.

XXX

The ashen ruins of the church on the top of Jay Mountain was still just a pile of blackened boards with some new green growth creeping in. She stared at it, thinking about that terrible week those few years ago and their sweet friend. She thought all the way back to when she met him in the first grade and to the last time she saw him in a hospital bed.

Alone, she didn't know what to do other than just stand there and remember him. Without Pony, she felt like an impostor trying to steal something from the things that happened here for herself. She was connected to it, of course, but she was never a part of it at the same time. Ponyboy included her in this place, giving her a reason to come back, but she decided she didn't like being there alone. She hardly believed that even having Dallas there would have eased that loneliness.

Following the lead Ponyboy began two years ago, she went to the pump and worked it until the water ran clear. She drank the cold water until her teeth hurt.

Looking out over green hills, she said, "I wish you were still here. We miss you, Johnnycake. Dallas especially."

The breeze kicked up a bit and she smiled, pretending it was Johnny sending a sign. With a heavy sigh she took one last look at the ruined church and got back in the truck.

She drove through the little town and considered stopping to get a burger, but she couldn't stop thinking about Lane. Dallas told her to leave him alone, but she couldn't fight the urge. Turning around, she headed in the direction of the farmhouse.

XXX

There wasn't anything worth doing on Sunday that didn't involve drinking, but Dallas was already sauced and he was looking anyway. He wandered around town, in and out of stores, lifting what he could, which was a lot. Within an hour he had two packs of smokes, a new lighter, sunglasses, candy bars, and a fifth of bourbon.

He walked past Ellie's house to see if she was back yet and was annoyed to find she wasn't. He walked and walked, eating, smoking, and drinking. Doing anything he could to not think about Johnny. It wasn't doing much good, though, because he still ended up at the cemetery.

"Fuck it," he said, taking a sip.

Walking through the gates, he trudged up toward Johnny's grave. Ellie had been surprised he knew where it was, but in the weeks and months she had little to nothing to do with him, he did a lot of exploring. And one night, kind of like the day he was having, he walked around the cemetery until he found it. It took awhile, but all he really had was time.

There were fresh flowers at his headstone, which he thought was kind of dumb. Johnny wouldn't have liked flowers. He pulled out one of his new packs of smokes and opened it. Tapping one out he lit it, and set the rest of the pack on his headstone. Standing there, he smoked slowly, taking nips of bourbon in between. The carved name on the granite burned into his eyes and he thought about the kid and all the things he didn't get to be.

"Hey, Dallas."

It startled him, and he was even more surprised to see Darry standing there with his pretty blonde wife that Dally thought looked more suited for Two-Bit. He didn't know what to think of her considering they had maybe exchanged five words between them.

"Hey," Dally finally replied.

They both moved up closer, and Dally moved aside a little. The bourbon sloshed in the bottle, and he itched to take a drink with them there.

"Where's Ellie?" Allison asked.

"She took a trip to Windrixville," he said, even though he was sure they knew.

"I'm glad she went. Pony would like that," Darry added.

"Yeah," was all Dally could think to say.

Allison set the flowers on the opposite side of the others and picked at some dry leaves in the grass, tossing them away. She stood back up and looked teary eyed. Dally grimaced.

"He seemed like a sweet boy."

Darry must have caught the way Dally was looking at her because he said, "Allison works at the hospital. She was one of Johnny's nurses."

Of course she was. Dally tipped the bottle back again, not caring what either of them thought.

"I'll see you around," he said, turning to leave as he lit a smoke from his pack. He was maybe twenty paces away when he heard his name. Hanging his head, he turned around and faced Darry.

"Do you have a minute?"

Dally rocked on his heel, looked him over, and nodded.

"How come you didn't go with her today?"

"She doesn't need to be babysat."

Darry didn't look amused. "No, but she probably could have used the company."

"Why didn't you go then?"

"She didn't ask me to. I didn't know she even went until just now."

God, he just wanted to leave. Between Darry's judging stare and his wife standing further back there, looking at him like he was some kind of disease, Dallas couldn't handle it.

"Look, man, I gotta go. I'm sure I'll see you around," he said.

"Take it easy," Darry said, but he was looking to the bottle in his hand. "When Ellie gets back, you guys stop over for a bit, ok? We'll have some cake for Johnny."

He had a feeling the last thing Darry wanted was him back in his house, but Dally nodded anyway. Darry offered his hand, and he shook it, surprised. When he let go, Dally offered a small wave to Allison, nodded to his old buddy again and headed on his way.

XXX

The old truck kicked up a lot of dust coming up the gravel driveway, the smell sending her back to May when things seemed sweeter. She parked next to a newer truck near the house and stepped out as Lane came out onto the porch.

"Well, my my, you certainly aren't someone I expected to see today," he said, grinning through his beard.

She smiled and gave him a hug. He looked older from the last time she saw him.

"Are you here all by your lonesome?" he asked, looking out by the truck.

"Yeah, I had some things to do out here, so I thought I'd stop by."

Lane smiled. "That's real nice of you. Well, come on in. I haven't had lunch yet. You hungry?"

Following him inside, she told him that she was. They stood in his kitchen as he made up a couple of ham and turkey sandwiches with all the fixings. He didn't ask about Dallas until they sat down to eat.

"I have to say, the last time I saw you you were a sight. You look much better now. I take it everything worked out?"

The last time she had shown up on his doorstep, she was hysterical and looking for Dallas. It had been the day she found out she was pregnant, and the day she found out he had left town without a word. It was fair to tell him that things were definitely better than that day.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't my best day. I was a complete mess looking for him."

Lane looked at her seriously for a second. "I take it my wayward nephew found his way home?"

"He did."

"How's he doing?"

That was a tricky question and Ellie pondered it for a moment while she chewed. Taking a sip of lemonade, she said, "I think he's getting there."

"That boy has always been 'getting there.' I hope he finally does one of these days."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Whatever you want," he said, looking at her with intrigue.

Dally had lived here with Lane for several months, completely unbeknownst to any one of his friends in Tulsa. When she had visited him here, he was a different person. He was quiet and somewhat disciplined. He was calm and had been working hard, everything he wasn't back at home. She had wondered for a long time if Lane had gotten things out of Dally that turned him against her every time she asked.

"Did he ever talk about our friend Johnny or anything about why he was in jail?"

The old man scratched his face and smoothed his beard. He looked like he was searching far back for an answer she wanted to hear.

"He just showed up at my door one day, fresh out of prison. He just had the look, you know? The boy was ok for a little while, but I know he had his demons. I remember seeing his picture in the paper a few years back, him and two other boys, and it was all that ruckus with the old church that burned down."

"Yeah, those other boys are our friends. Johnny, he got hurt in that fire and he died. Dally … he, uh, he didn't handle it well," she told him, leaving out massive chunks of story.

Lane studied her. "How is he handling things now?"

"Some days are good, the rest are bad," she told him. "There isn't much in between."

Shaking his head, Lane said, "Just like his father."

That sent her heart plummeting into her her stomach. Ellie had seen Dally's dad once or maybe twice, and the only things she knew about him were terrible things. Lane must have picked up on her horror because he patted her hand.

"I didn't mean anything by that. Charlie was always a lost cause, but Dallas isn't all like his father. He has a chance, I've seen it in him."

Softy, she said, "I saw it in him here. He's really struggling back home."

"My dear, he has to figure things out for himself. If he struggles, he struggles. If he wants to come out on the other side, he will get there."

That was easy enough to say, but she felt an immense weight on her shoulders right then. She remembered the way he was isolated in Windrixville and how he was now. The differences were staggering and even though she knew it was his inability to face his past, she felt like so much of it was her fault. He had come back to Tulsa for her, stayed there waiting on her, and now they were back together and she felt so responsible for his well being because no one else seemed to really care, himself included. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she heard Tim telling her that Dally wasn't right about not having died the night he got shot. How little would it take for him to fall back into that dark place?

"Honey, I know that boy loves you. He never had to say a thing, I could just tell, but please just remember that you don't have to be the one to take care of him. If he needs to come back, he can come back."

With a strained smile, Ellie nodded. She stayed a little while longer and headed for home.

XXX

The cake was in the middle of the table and the small group of them all sang happy birthday to Johnny. As Allison cut and handed out slices, Two-Bit started to tell stories about Johnny. He had them all laughing, but Ellie noticed that Darry looked as sad as she felt.

"I can't believe that kid would have been 20 today. Man, we're all getting old," Two-Bit said.

"Speak for yourself," Darry said. "This is the youngest I've felt in years."

They all ate, talking about Johnny and including every funny story about the things they all did growing up. And as if she couldn't miss anyone anymore than she could, talking about Soda, Steve, and Pony just hit that nail deeper. She caught herself glancing at the front door throughout the evening, the smallest hope lingering that Dally might show up.

Darry nudged her. "I ran into him today at the cemetery."

"How was he?" she asked.

"He was drunk."

Ellie sighed. "It's a bad day for him."

"Does he have many good days?"

Defensively, she said, "Lately, he's had a lot of good days."

She didn't add that they rarely occurred all at once.

XXX

After leaving the party, Ellie drove around for awhile looking for Dally. He didn't seem to be anywhere, so she headed for Buck's, hoping he had somehow gotten himself back there safely. There were a handful of cars in the lot, and she walked inside fully expecting to see him passed out on the bar. He was still nowhere to be found but before she had time to look around for Buck, a chorus of familiar voices called her name from the back room where the pool table was. Curly, Todd, and Mitch were all back there, drinking beers and shooting pool.

"Hey guys," she said.

"Long time, no see," Curly said. He came toward her and offered her a bottle of beer. "Hang around for a while."

Ellie shook her head, declining the beer. "I'd actually really love to, but I'm looking for Dally. Have you see him?"

Todd pointed toward the steps. "Yeah, he's been here a few hours. He went up a little while ago."

Curly offered her the beer again. "You're going to need this."

"Was he that bad?" she asked, taking the beer from him this time.

"He came in wasted, Buck had to cut him off," Todd said. "That didn't exactly go over well."

It was after eight and Darry had said he was drunk when he saw him around one. Gritting her teeth, she steeled herself for what he was going to be like. She thanked them for the warning and headed for the steps. Curly caught up to her before she went far.

"Look, we'll be here for awhile if you need anything. Want me to come up and check or something?"

She was touched, but she offered him a little smile. "I'll be ok. He's just off the rails because it's Johnny's birthday today."

"Oh, man. Got it," he said, stepping back. "But still, if you need us, just holler."

"Thanks, Curly," she said.

Slowly, she went up the steps, not having any idea what was going to meet her. She crept down the hall and laid her ear against the closed door, listening for several seconds before she softly knocked.

"Dallas?" she called, but she received no answer.

The silence on the other side had her shaking in her shoes, and she quickly turned the knob and pushed the door open. All of the lights were on and he was lying on his stomach on the bed. Closing the door behind her she walked across the room, stopping to pick up a liquor bottle in a puddle. Several beer bottles were scattered between the nightstand and the dresser.

She knelt on the bed and touched his back, saying his name over and over. It took him several attempts, but he finally opened his eyes and saw her.

"What?"

It sounded cross and annoyed, but Ellie ignored it and tried to get him to sit up. He was just dead weight and he fell back asleep. Knowing what battles to pick, she walked around and pulled off his shoes. She tugged the blankets out from under him and draped them back over him. Satisfied for the moment, she grabbed the empty bottle and went down the hall to fill it with water from the bathroom sink. She poked through the drawers and cupboard and found a bottle of aspirin. She brought the whole thing back with her and left them on the nightstand.

For a long time, she thought about leaving, but even with school in the morning, she knew she couldn't do it. She had left him all day alone, she didn't want him to spend the night alone too. Taking off her own shoes, she switched off the lights and crawled into bed beside him. She looked at his face in the darkness and gently ran her fingers through his hair. He murmured in his sleep and after a while, he opened his eyes.

"Hey now," Ellie said, still rubbing his head.

"Where've you been?" he mumbled, eyes half open.

"Right here," she said, not wanting to bring up Windrixville.

"It's Johnny's birthday," he said, his eyes struggling to stay open. His voice rough and his words slurred, but he was so quiet.

"I know."

"He's dead 'cause of me."

She stopped her fingers and just looked at him, feeling tears prick in her eyes.

"I sent him out there and let him run into that fire. I killed him."

"It's not your fault," she said. She set her whole hand against his cheek, her fingers brushing his hair back softly. "It's not your fault."

It wasn't his fault. Johnny never would have blamed him. Even if Pony did at one point, it was never Dally's fault. The boys asked for a place to hide, and Dally came through. No one could have predicted the kids and the fire and Johnny breaking his back.

"Johnny, man," he said, in a near whimper. His eyes closed again and he was softly snoring again. Ellie felt tears on her cheeks and she lay there for a long time, worrying about him and his grief and all the things Lane told her and the fact she was still so scared she would lose him.

For hours, she lay there, wide awake and watching him sleep. The whole time she wondered if the best thing for him was to get out of Tulsa and back to the quiet farm for a little while.

 _And oh, my my, it would break your heart,  
If you knew how I loved you, if I showed you my scars,  
If I played you my favorite song lying here in the dark,  
Oh my my, it would break your heart._


	7. Easy to Die Here

**A/N: As always, thanks so much for all the reviews, the feedback, the predictions ... everything. We appreciate every bit of it.**

 **Disclaimer: SE Hinton own _The Outsiders_. Noah Gundersen owns "Halo (Disappear_Reappear)."**

 _Under my halo,  
I have trouble seeing clear  
You held my hand tight,  
Waiting to watch me disappear  
_

 **March 1970**

The week after Johnny's birthday, Dallas was sullen and silent. Ellie navigated his moods and did what she could to avoid anything that might set him off. She tried to keep him from drinking through his feelings and let him stay over more than one night just so he wouldn't be alone the nights she couldn't stay at Buck's. To her surprise, she seemed to pull that off without her mom or Jimmy ever noticing.

On a Friday afternoon, he was lounging on her mother's couch while Danny laid on the floor playing with toy cars and trains. He didn't seem to be in a good mood, but he wasn't in a bad mood either. She thought about Windrixville while she fixed him a sandwich. Setting the bread on a plate, she took it into the living room and sat down facing him.

All week, she thought about what kind of good it would do him to head back up to Lane's and stay a little while. His moods made her a nervous wreck. Maybe if he got out of Tulsa and up in the isolation of his uncle's farm, he might calm down a little. It had seemed so good for him once upon a time.

"I was thinking about something," she said, crossing her legs under her. He mumbled something to her with a mouth full of sandwich. "I think you should go up and visit Lane."

A scowl crossed his face and he rolled his eyes. "Christ, why?"

He dropped the rest of the sandwich down on the plate as if he was anticipating a fight. Ellie braced herself and tried to calmly proceed.

"Well, he's your uncle and you should visit him every now and then anyway. I was just thinking it might be good for you to get some fresh air and get away for a little while." She could see the heat rising in his cheeks, and she finished quickly, "You're just so upset lately, and I just thought it might help."

"I'm not always fucking upset. I get mad when you bring up shit like this. Jesus, leave it alone."

If she were smarter, maybe she would have, but she remembered the nights he had to get wasted to fall asleep, the way he reacted to being around their friends again, and the drunken, mournful confession that he believed he got Johnny killed. Dallas had always had a short fuse, but it was shorter than ever lately. Ellie didn't know if she could hold him together all on her own.

"I'm not talking forever, maybe just for a little while. It was good for you up there before and I think you need it. Lane said you could come back if you wanted -" She stopped herself because the look on his face went from annoyed to downright enraged in the blink of an eye.

"Lane said? What the fuck did Lane say? You went up and saw him when I told you not to."

"I just stopped by," she said, shrinking back.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" he asked, tossing the plate onto the coffee table. It clattered loudly and Danny looked up from where he was playing on the floor. "I told you to leave him out of it."

"I was already up there, I just wanted to stop by and see how he was doing."

"You talk about me? Huh? Did you tell him bullshit about me?"

She tried to get a word in, but he was so mad, he shut her down as soon as she opened her mouth.

"Nothing here is any of his business. I'm not fucking going back up there, so forget about it. Quit sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."

There were so many reasons she couldn't forget about it, though.

"I'm just trying to help you. I'm going to come up and visit and stay with you if you go-"

"I don't need any help. I'm not fucking going!"

There was a knock at the door and they both sat there staring at each other until he said, exasperated, "Are you going to get that?"

"Yeah, I got it," she said, getting up. She ruffled Danny's hair as she walked by and gave him a half-hearted smile. Dally leaned his head back and rubbed his eyes.

When she opened the door and saw Mack Randle standing there, she felt her blood go cold and she thought she might faint. He didn't say a word; he just looked at her with tired gray eyes and she felt her knees turn to jelly.

"Hi Mr. Randle." Her voice sounded small and foreign to her own ears.

"I, uh, I wanted to come over and let you know Steve's been injured." He paused, wiping at his mouth before he continued. "I just got word a little while ago."

Ellie struggled to find any words, a lump forming in her throat so big she couldn't form a single one. As she tried to croak out a question, she felt a warm hand on her waist and Dallas was standing there beside her, holding her up.

"You know what happened?" he asked.

Mack shook his head a little, looking between the two of them. "They only said he was wounded, not much else. I'll know more in a few days. I just wanted to let you know."

He met her eyes, but he was looking through her at some memory or fear he couldn't shake.

Ellie finally found a way to speak. "Can we do anything?"

"I'm going to go tell his girl, but maybe you can let the others know?"

Ellie nodded, but it was Dallas who answered. "Yeah, man. We can do that."

Nodding, Mack left and she shut the door, a numb and disconnected feeling running through her. The news left her ears ringing and she stood there trying to compose herself and could only picture the absolute worst. Dally wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest, their fight forgotten. Ellie leaned on him and cried.

XXX

With Danny tagging along, they walked over to the Curtises instead. Danny was already holding Ellie's hand, and Dallas was surprised when the kid slipped his little hand into his. He held it back and they cut across lawns and headed over to the Curtises. Steve's dad had been over an hour before, and it took her that long to calm down enough to decide to go over and share the bad news. They had sat at her mom's kitchen table talking about Steve and he had tried to convince her that they had so little information that maybe things weren't as bad as they seemed. Maybe he wasn't all that hurt, but he knew that it didn't matter. He was still wounded and they knew nothing else. And after worrying to death about Steve, she started worrying about Sodapop.

As they reached St. Louis Street, she stopped and looked at him pitifully.

"I can't do it," she said. "I don't know how to tell them."

He looked up at the house and back at her huge, hazel eyes. "They have to know."

Bending down, he picked up Danny and started across the street, knowing it would be just about the only way to get her to follow. She slowly did, and together they walked through the gate and up the steps. From the porch, he heard Two-Bit laughing and Ellie stopped again, hand over her eyes as she sniffed back her tears.

"Come on, dollface," he said softly.

She nodded and he opened the door with his free hand. Inside, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. Dallas wanted to bolt because he knew they were staring at him, and after Two-Bit made him feed his baby, the novelty of seeing him carrying a kid.

"Hey," Ellie said, stepping further in.

Dally set Danny down who went running for a bedroom down the hall. He could hear the other kid in there excited to see him. When he looked back, he saw a room full of suddenly anxious faces, but he stayed back, feeling like he didn't belong.

"What's going on?" Allison asked, concerned.

He didn't miss the way Darry looked from him to Ellie a few times, as if he was looking for a reason to be mad at him. He ignored him and looked at Ellie standing alone and struggling to speak. She started to say it three different ways, and stopped herself each time. It was then he decided she didn't have to be the one to tell the bad news.

"Steve's old man came by earlier. Said he got word that Steve was wounded." His voice was rough and unwelcome against the silence.

For a long time, no one said anything. All of them seemed as lost in thought and looking as stunned as Ellie had. He looked to her and she gave him a weak smile and mouthed _thank you._ She moved closer to him and he took her hand, squeezing it gently. He was still mad from earlier, but even he was man enough to know when something was bigger than his own stupid problems.

Darry looked the most like he was going to hit the floor, but it was Two-Bit who spoke up.

"Did he say what happened or how he is?"

Ellie finally found her voice. "He said he might know more soon."

"Poor Steve," Carolyn said, rocking her baby in her arms. "Oh God."

Darry stood up and walked out of the room. Dally listened to the back door open and shut before Allison was on her feet, following him outside.

Ellie had told him that Steve enlisted because Soda had been drafted. That sort of selflessness floored Dallas. The thought would never have crossed his mind.

"Should we call Pony?" Ellie asked. She was looking at Two-Bit.

"I'm sure Darry will, I'm more worried about who's going to tell Evie," he said.

"Steve's dad did. That's where he was headed after telling me."

For a long time, no one said anything and Dally was uncomfortable being there. The silence wasn't helping. He tried to not think back on all the good nights he spent there, but they were hard memories to face. He sat down in Darry's arm chair, gently tugging Ellie down with him. She sat on his lap and there they all waited for something, each minute seemingly longer than the former. He would have gladly left for any reason, and he was trying to come up with a good one when they all heard the backdoor open again. Allison and Darry came back into the living room, and Dally could see his eyes were wet. He quickly looked away.

"Are you ok?" Ellie asked him.

"Yeah. We just have to keep faith, you know?"

It was a dumb thing to say, but Dallas kept that to himself. There wasn't any faith to be had. Steve was wounded and was probably coming home in who knew what kind of shape. At least he wasn't dead. It didn't do any good to keep any faith for Sodapop. Good kids died all the time. Sending them off to war just upped the chances.

Darry cleared his throat. "I need to call Pony."

"Should someone write to Soda?" Ellie asked.

Again, everyone was silent, the only sounds coming from the two kids playing down the hall. Allison had her hands on Darry's broad, but slumped shoulders and he shook his head.

"No, he doesn't need to worry about Steve right now. He needs to worry about himself. I know you write him a lot, please don't say anything. Not yet."

There was a little bit of hesitation in her voice, and she stiffened a little before she agreed. "I won't."

Carolyn stood up, resting the sleeping baby on her shoulder and rested her hand on Two-Bit's shoulder. "I think we should head out."

Dallas barely knew the girl but suddenly liked her very much. He waited until Two-Bit stood up and coaxed Ellie to her feet and she went down the hall to get Danny. Standing there alone, he was again surprised when Darry acknowledged him.

"Don't leave her alone tonight, she's going to need someone," he said.

Dally nodded and when she came out with her brother in tow, they headed back toward her house.

XXX

For the last hour, she had been sleeping soundly, her head resting in the crook of his arm and her arm across his chest. Darry hadn't been wrong about her needing someone, because she had been teary-eyed for the rest of the evening. He lay still, staring up at her bedroom ceiling with his mind racing. Thoughts bounced back and forth from Ellie going up seeing his uncle, Steve, and the way Darry told him to make sure she wasn't alone. And, for some reason, the way Darry mentioned how much Ellie wrote to Soda. It made him realize how disconnected he was from everyone. Ellie babysat Darry's kid and Two-Bit's kid, she cried over Steve, and wrote letters to Soda. All Dally did was count the seconds until it was just the two of them any time the others were around. Her world used to be his own, but he didn't feel a part of it anymore. Steve being wounded didn't shake him to his core, and he didn't worry about Soda like she did.

Instead, he felt jealous that her attention was spread so thin.

There was a stack of letters on her dresser from Soda and Steve, and curiosity and sleeplessness was getting the better of him. Cautiously, he eased himself from under her, setting her arm back on the bed and letting her head rest on the pillow. He stood up and stayed still for a few seconds, watching her to make sure she stayed asleep. Turning away, he went to her dresser and picked up the stack, thumbing through and picking one from Soda and one from Steve. Sinking down to the floor, he sat where the yellow light from the street light spilled in through the curtains, and pulled Steve's letter from the envelope. It was bland but hopeful. He told her he missed her and that he hoped she was doing well and staying out of trouble, but to maybe make a little just for him. It was short and to the point.

Things were a lot different when he opened Soda's letter.

He wasn't all that surprised to see his own name at different points on the page, but he was surprised at how much Soda had written her. The whole page was filled, front and back, with stories of what he was doing, what he was scared of, and all the things he missed. There was a line at the end where he told her how much he couldn't wait to see her and to tell her everything in person.

In a quiet rage, Dally stuffed the letter back in the envelope and got up again. He grabbed the whole stack and spent the next hour skimming through letter after letter, slowly getting angrier. Every letter Soda had sent was long and crammed full of what he was doing and wondering what she was up to. He read them all the way back to when he himself had ditched town in June. Even though he was only getting one side of the conversation, it sounded like she had some secret she wanted to tell him but didn't.

Jesus, he wondered what the hell her letters looked like. She had written him plenty of times when he was in prison, but he felt like she had never said much to him. Even now, he didn't feel like he was getting that much from her. Nothing at all, compared to the responses in these letters.

He tossed the stack to the wayside and watched her sleep. A deep, irrational anger welled up inside him because those letters were so damn personal. Ellie must have been writing Soda, telling him every detail of her life.

Dally knew it was his own fault he felt left out of that. Worse than that, it made him feel like shit because he couldn't open up to her like that.

After a while, he climbed back into bed, cramming in beside her. In her sleep, she cuddled back up against him and he soaked her in, her warmth calming him almost instantly. The letters didn't mean a damn thing, he decided. It's just how she was. She did anything and everything for anyone who needed it. It wasn't lost on him that she was, and had been, doing the exact same for him.

He had seen red earlier because of her visit with Lane. He knew why she did it, even if he didn't like it.

He was damned because he knew he would find a way to fuck this up. He was already doing one hell of a job.

 _Now that I'm alone here  
Feels so familiar, feels so strange  
_ _Running in circles  
Chasing the echoes of your name_


	8. It's a Beautiful War

**A/N: We're always so thankful for your reviews and all of the nice things you guys say :-)**

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders._** **Kings of Leon owns "Beautiful War." (I know, another non-Gaslight Anthem chapter ;-)**

 _Bite your tongue,  
Don't make a scene, dear.  
Everybody's been here at least once before,  
We've been here more._

 **March 1970**

 _Dear Ellie,_

 _Things are ok here, I wouldn't say great, but I'm safe and full right now. I won't say much more because there isn't a whole lot to say about war, you know? I see it all day and all night. I'd rather talk about anything else._

 _Pony wrote me and told me he asked you to go to New York after you graduate. He seems really excited about it but says you're dragging your heels. Don't tell me that you aren't thinking about it, because I know you have to be. Graduation isn't that far off, but you have some time to figure things out. Think about all the neat things you can do and see there! It would be a great thing for you and I think you should go, but I understand if you don't. It is a long way from home._

 _How are things with Dallas? I hope he's doing better and treating you well. He's lucky to have you, you know? Anyone would be and you need to make sure that he knows that. Make sure that he does._

 _Johnny's birthday is coming up and I've saved some chocolate to celebrate. I've told a couple of guys here about him, and one of them swears he can get something to toast with by then (I'll let you know if he did). It was nice to talk about him and it's hard to believe he's been gone for so long. It's also hard to believe he would have been 20. Seems old for us, doesn't it? You'll be 20 soon, too. Maybe I'll be home by then and we can celebrate our birthdays together again. What do you think? Chocolate cake with chocolate icing and a big scoop of chocolate ice cream?_

 _Looking forward to your next letter, and please think about New York. It'd be fun to come visit you and Pony there._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Soda_

His letter had come the day after they found out about Steve, and it brought Ellie to tears. There was so much hope in his letter and even though she had been scared something would happen to him, Steve getting hurt made it worse. She had known it was a possibility all along, but it was all she could think about. It was killing her that she couldn't tell him about Steve, but she had to keep her promise to Darry. She wrote him back and told him she promised to think about New York, but that she should wait until after their birthdays because there was no way she was missing out on all that chocolate. It felt hollow and dishonest, but she dropped it in the mailbox anyway.

 **XXX**

On Monday morning, Ellie seriously considered skipping school to wait and hear news about Steve, but she also knew that he would knock her senseless for doing that. Dally had gone back to Buck's late Sunday, so she walked to school alone, but with Steve and Soda on her mind. She went through the day, class by class, and was surprised when Dally showed up for lunch again. Neither one of them said much, and he left her with a kiss and a promise to pick her up.

After her last afternoon class, when she stopped at her locker to get her jacket, a familiar laugh caught her attention. She looked up to see Wade heading down the hallway. He had been with her the day Steve enlisted, and she suddenly wanted to let him know what had happened. His girlfriend wasn't with him, but she still held back, nervous he would just ignore her completely. It wouldn't have been anything she didn't deserve, but she still didn't want it to happen. As he walked by, she made eye contact with him and took a breath to say something, but she chickened out and looked away. Quickly, she exchanged her books and slammed the door shut. She turned to leave and ran right into him.

"Oh," she gasped, nearly losing her books. She looked at him, terrified.

"Hey." Those blue eyes of his looked at her with concern.

He hadn't spoken to her since the summer. She realized she had no idea what she wanted to say to him and why she even wanted to try. Clutching her books to her chest, she took a deep breath to settle her nerves and remembered the day he calmed her down when Steve enlisted.

"Sorry to startle you, you just looked like you were upset."

He was apologizing to her when he had nothing to apologize for. There was no reason in the world he should care that she was upset about anything. Not after what she had done to him.

"Is everything ok?"

She shook her head slightly and the words spilled out of her mouth faster than she could catch them, "Steve was wounded. I don't know anything other than that, but I just kind of thought you might want to know."

The brightness in his eyes faded. He touched her arm gently but pulled away just as quick.

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"No, but thank you. I just wanted to let you know. Take care," she said. Offering him a thankful smile, she walked around him and headed toward the parking lot. She stepped outside and saw Dallas parked at the far end of the lot. When someone called her name, she turned around and saw Wade running up to meet her.

"Hey," she said, confused.

"I meant to ask you how Soda was doing?"

She noticed as she looked up at him that he wasn't wearing his cowboy hat. He kept his hair shorter than he had when he was with her, but those eyes were still so blue and warm.

"He's doing okay," she told him. "He keeps in touch."

He offered her a shy, goofy smile. "Good, I'm glad. I hope it stays that way. I'm sure Steve'll be okay. I'll be thinking about them."

"Thanks," she said.

"Take care of yourself, Ellie. Keep me posted."

It floored her that he was so nice after what she put him through, but she remembered the kind of person he was and all the reasons she shouldn't have been surprised. She watched him leave and then remembered Dallas sitting and waiting on her. Turning around, she weaved through the throngs of people and got into the idling truck.

"Hey," she said, setting her books on the seat between them.

He hit the gas without a word. She saw the firm way his jaw was set and the fact he was completely silent. There was an icy chill in the car.

"What's wrong?"

"Was that your boyfriend?" he asked, looking at her with cold eyes.

Even though her stomach was still flipping over and over from Wade knowing there was something wrong from just a look, she calmly said, "No, he just wanted to know about Steve and Soda."

She didn't miss the way Dally gripped the steering wheel tight enough to make his knuckles go white.

"Can you just calm down? Nothing happened and nothing is going to happen. He was just being nice."

"Sure," Dally said. He lit up a cigarette, but she could see he was still on edge.

When he dropped her off at work, she kissed him. "Please don't be like this. I promise it's nothing."

"Yeah, ok. I'll pick you up after."

"Dinner?" she asked.

That made him smile a little and he kissed her one more time. "Whatever you want."

Heading inside, she worked her whole shift lost between thoughts of Steve, Wade, and Dallas.

XXX

With a couple hours still to go, she was busy ringing up groceries for a little old couple when she noticed Two-Bit and Darry walk in and wave to her. They both looked anxious, and she rushed to finish checking out the couple, took their money, probably handed back the wrong change, and flipped the light off for her register. Running over to them, she braced herself for bad news.

"What is it?" she asked, steeling herself for the worst.

Darry put his hand on her shoulder and they stepped outside, away from everyone. He kept it there and said calmly, "Steve's coming home, probably next week."

Relief flooded through her, but she still felt tears well up in her eyes. "Is he ok?"

"His dad said he heard from him," Two-Bit answered. "He was in a hospital in Japan recovering, but it's bad enough they aren't sending him back to where he was. There was an explosion or something. It killed a few guys in his squad, and he got hit with a bunch of shrapnel."

"Oh God," she said, hands flying to her mouth. She couldn't stop the tears now and Darry put an arm around her shoulders.

"The good news is that he's doing well enough to come home."

After a minute, she pulled back and wiped her eyes, feeling thankful and anxious all at once.

"You okay, kid?" Two-Bit asked.

She nodded, getting her tears under control. They stayed with her a little while longer, and she decided she had to go in and finish her shift. Darry assured her it was going to be all right, and Two-Bit gave her a hug.

She ignored the disapproving stare from her supervisor and went back to work. It was hard to imagine Steve back home, but even though she couldn't shake the worry, she was so euphorically happy.

XXX

At 8:01, he caught sight of her running across the parking lot toward him. She climbed into the truck, slammed the door and leaned over and kissed him, hard. He pulled her into his lap, squeezing her between him and the steering wheel, hearing her school books tumble to the floor. She didn't stop him as he slipped his hand under her shirt and around her back. All he'd gotten from her was a warm bed but a cold shoulder for months. He wished they were closer to Buck's right now.

After a minute, she pulled away, her weak declaration that it was enough breathy on his face. She stayed where she was, though, a smile on her lips.

"What's got you in such a good mood?" he asked, kissing her neck.

She stretched, and rested her back against his door. "Steve's coming home."

"That's good. How is he?"

Her eyes went downcast for a second and she told him, "Hurt, but well enough to come home. Sounds like it was a bad explosion."

"Shit. But it's good he's coming home," he said, leaning in close again. She rested her forehead against his and he kissed her again. She pushed off of him with one last deep kiss and leaving him wanting so much more.

"Let's go get some dinner," she said. "I'm starving."

Jesus, he was going to need a cold shower tonight. He started the truck back up and started out toward the Ribbon and asked her if she wanted pizza or burgers. She flashed him a flirty smile and decided on pizza.

When they got there, though, the wait for a table was long despite it being a Monday night.

She leaned up and said to him over the din, "See if we can get it to go. We can get some beer and just take it somewhere. We don't have to eat here."

He raised his eyebrow a little at her and grinned. Good news brought out a side of her he hadn't really seen in a while, and he would be damned if he wasted it. Once they got their pizza to go, he drove by the liquor store at the east end of the Ribbon.

When he was back in the car with the six pack and bottle of bourbon, he began driving, trying to find a good place to take her. Deciding to drive out a little ways, he took them to a small park with a duck pond halfway to Buck's. The parking lot was dark and secluded.

They sat in the bed of his old Ford, eating and drinking in the chilly night. She drank freely, and it didn't take her long to get happily buzzed.

"I shouldn't be so happy when I know he's hurt," she said.

Dally drained the end of a can of beer and tossed it out into the grass. "But he's alive and coming home. It's something to celebrate."

"I just hope he's ok and that Soda stays safe."

He cracked open a new beer, avoiding eye contact when she mentioned Soda. Those letters were still in the back of his mind, but he tried to bury his jealousy. She was sitting there, drinking and in the best mood she had been in since he had been home. Nothing made him happier.

"Are you still mad at me about Wade?"

Downing half the can, he looked at her closely. There were a lot of unanswered questions he had about the boyfriend, and he was still mad, but he wasn't right then. Those eyes were big and eager looking into his, and her cheeks were flushed and rosy. He felt good in a way he hadn't in a long time.

"No."

"He knows Steve, too. I just wanted to let him know. I promise it was nothing."

It was nothing except that even from where he had been parked, he could see the hopeful look on her face. There happened to be a hopeful look on her face now, though, and she leaned in close to him, her forehead resting on his, her fingers playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck.

"I chose you, remember?"

When he leaned in and kissed her, there was no hesitation on her part. It was as though everything was going right for the first time. She laughed when he pulled out his wallet and showed her he came prepared and then he pulled his shirt over his head. Every move he made, she accommodated and when he helped her off with her shirt and laid her down in the bed of the truck, she pulled him close. Between breathy kisses, she said she loved him. Dallas showed her he did too instead of telling her.

 _I say, "Love, love don't mean nothing,  
Unless there's something worth fighting for."  
It's a beautiful war._


	9. Hold On To Hope

_**A/N: You guys continue to be the best. We hope you're still enjoying this!**_

 **Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_ and Brian Fallon owns ****"If Your Prayers Don't Get to Heaven _."_**

 _I ain't leavin', I ain't leavin', unless I'm leavin' here with you,  
I've been patient while I waited but I feel it's time to move.  
You've been crying, yeah, I've seen you,  
Honey, I've been crying too._

 **April 1970**

One week of torture slowly turned into almost three, and March turned into April as they waited for Steve to be sent home. Ellie, Allison, Carolyn, and Mrs. Mathews worked together to make sure his dad was well fed, and that there would be food in the house when Steve got home. Otherwise, they all just waited for a date they would see their friend again.

Darry still didn't want her writing to Soda about it, so she kept mum in her letters to him. She felt terrible for lying, but she knew Darry was right. Soda would be consumed with worry and guilt over Steve getting hurt and forget to focus on himself. Instead, she wrote and told him about the nearing end of the school year, how things with Dallas had improved, and even what she hadn't discussed with anyone else: Pony's invitation to move to New York. Almost every week since she spoke to him around Johnny's birthday, Pony sent her a postcard from some neat view in the city. So far, she had a small stack showing the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State building, Central Park, and the impressively large skyline. Soda wrote her back, responding to her hesitation about leaving.

 _I don't think you can pretend like a small part of you doesn't want to go, and it's not like you would be alone. You would have Pony and you guys would have such a great time. I'll tell you something, I've seen some of the world now, and even though this is not the way I would have picked to see it, it's really something. You should get out there and see it too. Dallas has already been, and I bet you wouldn't have to twist his arm too hard to go, too. Maybe he would have a thing or two he'd like to show you. And when I get home, maybe I'll just head on out there, too. We could have so much fun getting into trouble in the Big Apple._

Even though a small part of her did wanted to, she knew she would never go. On the other hand, the plans Soda was making and Pony keeping his hope alive had her intrigued. She and Dallas were in such a good place, she hardly thought it was a good idea to bring up something that would potentially rock the boat. If anything, she wanted him to be settled and thriving. Any disruption could send him reeling again. It was frustrating, but she loved him and she wanted him to be happy. If he was happy, she was happy, and Tulsa was as good a place as any to stay that way.

XXX

A couple of times a week, Wade found her in the hallways and asked for an update about Steve. Every time, Ellie smiled and told him that things were the same and that they were just waiting. He rarely asked her about anything else. If he did, it was about Soda or Pony, but that day was different.

"How's Dallas?"

When he asked, she felt her cheeks flush and her mouth go dry. She struggled to find a sensitive answer.

He smiled, sheepishly. "Sorry, I just meant that, I hope things are going well. I sometimes see you having lunch with him."

She blushed even fiercer. Dally was never a conversation she wanted to have with Wade. The fact that she left Wade at their Junior Prom made it all so much worse. She didn't think Wade had it in him to hate anyone, but he had plenty of reason to feel that way about her. She never thought he would speak a word to her again, something she believed until just a few short weeks ago.

"We had a bumpy start, but things are better," she said quietly. It wasn't a lie, and she wasn't unhappy with Dally, but she was still so ashamed.

Someone called his name from down the hallway and he waved back at them.

"I gotta get going, but keep me posted on Steve. Let me know when he makes it home."

He gave her that goofy grin of his and left. She hurried on to her next class, completely confounded, but she remembered that he was often a boy that blew her expectations away.

She was a girl with very low standards.

XXX

Lately, there were a lot of nights that she willingly stayed with him at Buck's. Even school nights. There wasn't a whole lot in the drawers, and she took one over for the nights she stayed. Dallas didn't complain though, even when she got him up before the sun to drive her to Will Rogers. It wasn't lost on him that this was how it should have always been, and after that extra good night a few weeks back, everything finally felt right.

She sat on the bed with her legs crossed under her and puzzling over homework again. He sat down, purposely bouncing the bed.

"What's that look for?"

"We already talked about this," she said, in a no-nonsense way, but she still snapped the book closed. She gathered everything up and dropped the stack to the floor with a thud. Stretching, she leaned back into the pillows, and yawned.

"You hear anything about Steve?" He settled in beside her. He knew she hadn't because she would have spilled it the second he picked her up from his shift at the stables.

"Not really. His dad said he should be back stateside any day now, then home soon after that. It's almost his birthday, too."

Dally didn't know how to react, so he lit up a cigarette and slid his arm around her waist, letting her relax against him.

"What did you do for Buck today?"

"Grunt work. Hauled some junk to the dump and mucked stalls."

It was more like bitch work, and he was getting damn tired of it.

"Is he ever going to let you ride for him again?"

When Dallas came back around looking for a place to stay, Buck barely let him in the door. He knew he deserved it after he stole from him all those years ago, but Dally could still back the big guy into a corner. He worked it out with him for a place to stay and Dallas even volunteered to do the shitty jobs no one else wanted - or the ones Buck was too cheap to hire actual help for - for a little cash. The arrangement they had worked well enough. All except for the part where Buck wouldn't let him ride.

"He keeps saying someday, but I might have to beat it into him."

She gave him a little smile that looked more concerned than happy. "You could always try something new and just wait him out. He'll give in once he remembers how well you always rode for him."

With a coy smirk, he crushed his cigarette in the ashtray and looked at her. "Like you?"

"Like me what?"

She was already turning red as he got closer, setting his hand high on her thigh. "Waited you out, and remembering how well you rode for me."

She laughed and he leaned into it, kissing her and taking every opportunity she gave him. Inhibitions gone, they undressed, but she stopped, as she sometimes did and touched the scars on his torso. As always, he pulled her hand away and despite the hint of torture in her eyes from the bad memory, Dallas continued to feel a happiness he never knew existed. Ellie loved him and wanted him.

He was still terrified he would find a way to fuck it up. For right now, though, things were as perfect as he had ever known them to be.

XXX

In the morning, Dallas drove her to school, even though he almost succeeded in getting her to skip and sleep in instead. Maybe if she wasn't already graduating a year late, she would have relented, but she really didn't want to ruin her streak.

She went through her day with different people on her mind and found it hard to concentrate. When lunchtime rolled around, she ran out the back doors like she always did and was surprised to see Two-Bit parked where Dallas had been lately.

Dread filled in the pit of her stomach, and she dashed to his car. Inside, gave her a flash of a smile.

"What's going on?"

"It's good news, so don't worry," he said, his eyes tired, but bright. "Steve's coming home tomorrow."

Cool relief flooded through her and she relaxed in her seat.

"Oh, thank God."

"Yeah, his dad got the call a little while ago. He even talked to him a little more this time."

"Did Mack say how he was?"

Two-Bit shrugged. "Not really. He just said he was happy to finally get home."

So were the rest of them. She couldn't wait to see him again, but she also thought about Soda still over there.

"Are we going to do anything for him?" Even though she was relieved, anxiety coursed through her.

"Darry says we should wait and see how he is. He was in the hospital for awhile, and who knows how he's going to be."

The unspoken worry was how much he might have changed. None of them could imagine the things he had been through, but coming home had to be a good thing.

"I guess so," she said, somberly.

As he handed her a brown paper sack. "It's one day at time. He's going to be ok."

"Yeah. Then there's Soda to worry about."

Two-Bit only nodded and he hung out with her while she ate. The rest of the day was long.

XXX

Ellie stayed home that night, leaving Dallas on his own. He had pushed to stay, but she wanted to be alone. Most of the night was sleepless, and she spent the hours writing two letters to Soda. The first one was cathartic. She told him everything that was happening with Steve and how nervous and excited she was to see him again. She spilled her guts about how worried she was for Soda himself and how much they all needed him to come home. It was pages long, and after she wrote it, she immediately ripped it to shreds. In its place, she wrote a shorter letter of the most mundane topics from her life and anything else she could think to tell him. This was what she would send.

As morning rolled around, she got out of bed and got ready for the day. At half past seven she walked to Darry's, getting there even before Two-Bit. They had all decided to stay home and wait, except for Dallas who only set his jaw in a firm line and told her to let him know when Steve made it home.

When she walked in, she found Darry in the kitchen pouring himself a cup of coffee so strong she could practically taste it from the street. Allison was cooking breakfast, and Lizzie seemed to still be in bed.

"How'd you sleep?" Darry asked her.

"Hardly at all."

He sat next to her, holding the coffee cup. Ellie watched him as he stared into the mug, lost in thoughts which were undoubtedly on Soda. Allison came around and set her hands on his shoulders and leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"It's going to be all right," she told him. Looking at Ellie, she repeated the sentiment.

They all looked up as the front door opened again, and Two-Bit stepped into the room. He looked nervous too and sat down on the other side of Ellie. Allison handed him a cup of coffee.

"Is Carolyn coming over?"

"Yeah, she'll be over in a bit. My mom is going to stop by, too," he said. "I just wanted to get here."

"What about Evie?" Ellie asked.

"No, but I think she's over with Mack," Darry said.

They spent the morning at the table eating breakfast and talking just enough to keep small conversations going. Mrs. Mathews came with Carolyn and Frankie and lunch for everyone. It wasn't until it was time to start thinking about dinner did the phone ring. Darry answered it and they all waited. He looked relieved but sad when he hung up.

"What did he say?" Two-Bit asked.

"He's home, but he's not up to visitors right now. I think he just needs a minute. Mack just wanted to let us know he looks pretty good and came home with an appetite."

Ellie sighed with relief, and everyone seemed to relax. She didn't know what to expect out of the day, but him not wanting to rush over and see them scared her a little. If Evie was with him, though, she could understand him needing some time with her and his dad.

Everyone seemed to take the news as a reason to leave, and Ellie felt no different. She headed out with Two-Bit and Carolyn, thinking about the possibility of seeing his bedroom light on as she crossed on to Boston Street.

"Ellie," Two-Bit called, stopping her in her tracks. He came up to her on the sidewalk, speaking quietly. "Are you going to try and see him?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"If you do, let me know," he said, giving her shoulder a squeeze and heading to his car.

Ellie started across the street and walked quickly in the direction of home. She cut through the same lawns she and Steve cut through hundreds of times. She emerged on their street and only saw the front windows illuminated with the curtains drawn. She stood there for a minute, looking at his dark bedroom window, trying to decide what she wanted to do. She decided she couldn't interrupt his first night back. Mack deserved some time with his son. She was surprised that Evie's car wasn't parked on the street.

Ellie found she was just in time for dinner which she wasn't hungry for but found it was enough to kill the time. She volunteered to do the dishes to kill some more. Dallas hadn't come around at all, and even though she wished he would try a little more, she was glad to be alone.

She took a long shower and finally stretched out on her bed, staring at the ceiling. It was after 10 and she lay there, fighting an urge to go outside and knock on his window until almost 11.

Sitting up, she went to her records and picked up a 45 of a song she bought because she thought he would like it. She wrote a little note on the paper sleeve and climbed out her bedroom window with it. She walked across the lawns, focusing on his dark bedroom where she wanted to leave the record on his windowsill.

"I thought you would've been over a lot sooner than this."

She jumped at the sound, but tears sprung to her eyes at the sweet, familiar sound of his voice. He sat alone on the porch steps, a dark silhouette holding a burning cigarette. She dashed toward him as he stood up and tossed his smoke, embers sparkling as they hit the grass. She crashed into him and held on like he might disappear if she let go. He wrapped one arm tightly around her shoulders, holding on just as tight. Deep down, she felt a sob well up in her chest, but she choked it down.

"Glad to see you, kid" he said, still holding her with one strong arm. "Really fucking glad."

Easing up, Ellie stood back and wiped tears away as she looked at him in the dim light.

"I held out as long as I could," she said, forcing a laugh. He smiled a little, and she noticed so many things about him at once that it took her awhile to really notice that his right arm that was in a sling. "Oh, Steve. I didn't even ... did I hurt you?"

He looked down at his arm, too, and shook his head.

"You can't hurt what's already broken."

He sounded so bitter and cold. For a second, she thought about how Pony wrote about Dallas after the rumble. Steve's eyes narrowed and she got a glimpse of a person she had never met. Gently, she reached out and touched the sling and quickly pulled back.

"I'm sorry. I'm just so happy to see you."

The bitterness disappeared and he smiled a little, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. Even through the growth of dark stubble, she could see how thin and drawn his face had become. He just looked so much older than the almost 21 years he had lived. So much could change in a year, but he looked more like he had been gone for five.

"Do you want anything to drink? There is literally some of everything in there," he offered.

"Sure," she said, barely getting her answer loud enough for him to hear.

She watched him thoughtfully as he walked up the two cement steps and opened the door with his left hand. Light from inside shone bright on him for a second, and she could see that it wasn't the darkness playing tricks on her. He really was thin and almost haggard looking. But he was still Steve. She had to remind herself of that. She sat down on the steps, looking at the record still in her hand. She wondered how long he had been outside waiting on her to come over.

After a minute or tw,o the door opened and she briefly saw him struggle with two bottles in the crook of his left arm. Ellie stood quickly and took them from him, but he was obviously frustrated and he slammed the door shut. The reverberations echoed down the street. He sat down on the top step and muttered a string of curses to himself. She offered him one of the cold bottles.

"It'll heal, right?"

He took a drink and then set his jaw firmly, staring forward. Two more sips chased the first. "Probably not."

She desperately wanted to ask, but she bit her tongue. She was still learning her lesson with Dallas to stop pushing people before they were ready. She decided just to enjoy sitting there next to him, even in silence, but eventually he started talking.

"It's numb, probably because of nerve damage from the tourniquet. They say the feeling might come back, but it probably won't." He wouldn't look at her. "I guess I could have bled to death instead, so there's that. I should count myself lucky."

Ellie counted them all lucky."I'm so sorry."

Neither one said much for a while as they drank and listened to the neighborhood. Steve looked like he was really lost in thought, and the silence was okay right then. It suddenly hit her that now she had both Dally and Steve back. It felt like her whole world was growing, expanding back to what it was once upon a time, before the boys left for the war, before Pony left, before Dally took off, before Johnny died. For a split second, this was just another night of her and Steve hanging out.

"What's that?"

Steve was pointing to the record sitting on the step between them. Ellie picked it up and handed it to him.

"I didn't know if you'd be up for visitors, so I was going to leave it for you."

Steve read the small note she had written and then held it up higher to the dim light to read the record itself.

"'Fortunate Son,'" he said. "Any good?"

"I thought you might like it."

"I think I've heard it, but I can't wait to listen. You hear any of them new Beatles songs? Pretty catchy from what I hear."

He elbowed her in the ribs, joshing her like they all did from time to time about the Beatles. She just grinned and bore it.

"So, you didn't say much in your last couple letters about you and Dallas. Is he still hanging around?"

"Yeah. Things are actually pretty good right now."

"I can't believe he waited around as long as he did. That asshole must really love you," he said, fondly. "How's he doing?"

"Better. He really tries and I think we're going to be ok."

"I guess anyone can change, huh?"

"A little at a time."

"I'll still kick his ass if he pulls any of his old shit on you. Bum arm and all."

She smiled up at him. "I thought Evie might still be here."

It was impossible to miss how he tensed up and the nervous way his hand scratched the stubble on his face.

Without looking at her, he said, "She was here. She's not now."

There wasn't any invitation in his voice to ask what that meant, so Ellie didn't push him.

"It ain't her, it's me. I told her it wasn't a good time. Don't worry about it."

Granting his request, she silently sipped on her beer and they sat quietly until he brought up Soda.

"He doesn't know I'm home, does he?"

Ellie shook her head. "Darry wants to keep it close for now. He's afraid Soda'll be worried about you getting hurt and not focus enough on what he has to do."

"That does sound like Soda. Sounds like you, too," he said, with a half-hearted smile.

"Maybe so."

"How's Darry handling everything?"

"He took you getting hurt really hard, but he's really happy you're home."

"And Two-Bit? How's he holding up with a kid?"

Ellie smiled. "You won't believe how good he is with her until you see it for yourself. He's a good dad."

"And Pony?"

"He's doing great. He loves New York."

The far away look in his eye troubled her, and she asked him, "Are you ok?"

Overall, Ellie had no expectations for how he would be. She had no way of really knowing what was going on in his head or how he felt, but she imagined a lot of things. Steve was always a broody person, but he seemed to be beyond that and into an emotion she couldn't begin to describe. She could only see him lost in a type of grief she couldn't imagine. As he contemplated an answer, she saw so many things in his eyes, and she put her hand on his arm.

"Don't," she said. "You don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to. Not right now. Just know I'm here if you ever do."

He blinked hard before he nodded, and she gave his arm a squeeze.

"You probably should go to bed, you have school in the morning."

"I can be tired. Besides, you have a birthday coming up, and I think you should be able to plan whatever you want to do this year."

"I didn't even think about that," he said, rubbing his eyes with his good hand. He grabbed his empty beer bottle off the stoop and tossed it into the street. He sighed as it shattered on the pavement.

"Well, think about it and let me know. Whatever you want."

She finished her beer and threw it out into the street to join his. The shatter was satisfying and he stood up, offering his hand to her. She still wanted to ask him so many things. Instead, she hugged him, holding her surrogate big brother and swearing to herself that she would be there whenever he needed her.

"I'll see you tomorrow, El."

It was such a beautiful thing to hear. She walked home and waved at him as she climbed in through her window. He waved back before he went inside. She thought about him and those distant eyes, his hurt arm, and all the pain she knew he had to be in as she climbed into bed. He hadn't come to see everyone, but he had known she would come to see him. It was such a reminder of how things used to be that she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

 _If your prayers don't get to Heaven,  
I'm gonna keep them safe for you.  
If your prayers don't get to Heaven,  
I'm gonna keep them safe 'til they do._


	10. Out Here Looking for the Good Life

**Disclaimer: SE Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Kings of Leon owns "Eyes on You."**

 _I try hard to understand  
The crush of the world in the palm of your hand  
You know we sit just right  
Let's run away from the light_

 **April 1970**

When morning rolled around, Ellie quickly got ready and called Two-Bit. It was still early, but he answered sounding wide awake.

"Did you see him?"

"Yeah, I did. He was actually sitting outside waiting on me."

She could hear the relief in his voice. "How is he?"

Pausing, Ellie tried to put into words how he seemed. It was hard to pinpoint. "He's ok, but a little sad. His arm's hurt and he doesn't seem to think it's going to get any better. He's managing, I guess."

"But he seemed good? Happy to be home?"

"Well, sure. He asked about everyone. I'm sure you'll see him today."

"Are you going to school?"

She really didn't want to, but she already skipped one day and Steve would kill her if he knew she skipped again. It was hard to go, thinking she might miss out on something.

"I need to," she finally said.

"You should. If anything is going on, I'll come get you at lunch or something."

Hanging up, Ellie grabbed a quick breakfast and headed out the door. She walked slowly by Steve's house, happy to see the house was dark. Hopefully that meant he was resting.

XXX

When lunchtime rolled around, Two-Bit didn't come by and she was a little disappointed. She sat on the steps, eating a sandwich alone and watching for his car anyway. Dallas didn't come by either, and she frowned as the bell rang.

Every class drug on longer than the one before it. By the time the last bell rang, she ran to her locker, switched out her books and slammed it shut. She saw Wade ahead of her and ran to catch up with him. Touching his arm to get his attention, she noticed too late that his girlfriend was with him. Standing back under the heat of her glare, Ellie suddenly didn't know what to say.

"What do you want?" Sheryl asked.

"It's ok," Wade told her, but Sheryl looped her arm through his, holding on tight. When he looked back at her, he looked just as happy as he usually did, but she noticed the tight lipped way he started to speak. "Did Steve make it home?"

Nervous, and feeling stupid that she believed she was back on any type of good terms with him, she said, "Yeah, he made it home last night. He's hurt, but he's doing pretty good."

He nodded with a warm smile. "That's great. I hope Soda makes it home soon, too."

"Thanks."

Sheryl tugged on his arm, still glaring at her, and Wade said, "I'll see you around, Ellie."

As they walked away she heard Sheryl tell him that he would not see her around. Standing with her back against the wall in the busy hallway, she wanted to kick herself for being so stupid. He was only being nice because that was the sort of thing he did, but she realized now it was only a gesture. It was something to be worthy of his kindness again, but she knew his girlfriend wouldn't put up with much more. Ellie had taken advantage of his kindness once before and she decided to just be happy about what he had given and move on. She didn't deserve it anyway.

Giving them a head start, she finally spilled out of the front doors of Will Rogers with the rest of her classmates. She was happy to see Dallas parked at the end of the school lot. She wove her way through kids running every direction and got into the truck.

"Hey," he said, wasting no time getting out of the parking lot.

She looked over at him when she realized they weren't headed back to her neighborhood.

"Where are you going? I want to go home."

"Up to Buck's for awhile," he said, with a glance in her direction.

"Steve's home, remember? I'm sure we're all getting together tonight."

She noticed him set his jaw. "Jesus, you were there all day yesterday."

"He just got home, Dallas. I missed him and I want to spend some time with him. I'm sorry that I'm taking time away from you to see how _our_ friend is doing," she snapped.

" _Our_ friend?"

Ellie really had to grit her teeth on that one. "He's your buddy, too. He always has been and I'm sure he'd like to see you, too."

There was a fight brewing and maybe a small part of her even wanted it to blow off the steam of what just happened with Wade. Ellie was over him not waiting with the rest of them to hear about Steve only because she knew being at that house made him uncomfortable. She didn't want to push him too much, but she couldn't brush off his denial that Steve was a friend.

"Steve doesn't give two shits if I come by and see him."

"Actually, I think he would," she said, remembering how Steve had asked about Dallas the night before. "And even if he doesn't, it might make _me_ happy if you even pretended to give a damn. I missed him and I'm not going to just sit and watch you get drunk at Buck's all night."

His jaw clenched again as she waited for an answer, but he said nothing. Instead, he jerked the wheel and, with tires squealing, he made a U-turn. When he pulled up in front of her house, he made no move to get out.

"You're going back, aren't you?"

After a long, tense few seconds, he put the truck in park and shut off the engine. He followed her inside. She dumped her school things and changed her clothes while he sat sulking on her bed. When the phone rang, she went to the kitchen to answer it and he didn't follow. Allison was on the other end.

"I figured you were home by now," she said. "I wanted to let you know that Steve's over here and Two-Bit and Carolyn are heading over, too. Hurry over when you're ready. Darry is going to grill out."

"I'll be over a few minutes, do you need anything?"

"Just you, hurry up!"

She hung up and came back to her room where he was still sulking.

"Darry is going to grill out," she told him, cooling her tone from earlier. "Just come and say hi and you can go. Just a half hour."

Glowering, he finally stood up and they headed out.

XXX

They walked when he would have preferred to drive, and it was a silent walk just so he would have an easier out when the time came. He didn't want to go into that house and see anyone because every time he went in there, everyone just stared at him. Ellie was dead wrong about anyone giving two shits about him, Steve especially. Maybe they had been buddies at some point, but he couldn't imagine them being buddies now. Things started cooling between them the minute Dally started dating Ellie.

Ellie climbed the steps and he followed her right on inside where a half-a-dozen people all looked up from where they sat at the same dining room table where they used to play poker for peanuts. He didn't miss the split second disappointment on Darry's face or the fake smile on Allison's when they noticed him. They both excused themselves to start getting food ready. Two-Bit and his girl were nice enough, but when he looked at Steve all he could see was that the guy looked like hell.

Dally nearly put his hand out to shake Steve's, but instead gave him an awkward pat on his left arm when he noticed the sling.

"Good to see you, man. Glad you're home."

"I can say the same about you. Looking good, Dallas."

He didn't know what to say to that, but Two-Bit was handing him a beer and breaking into the awkward encounter. Dally stepped back and leaned against the wall, holding the bottle so tightly he thought he might break the glass. Ellie was standing beside Steve and Two-Bit with a beaming smile as Two-Bit cracked a joke. When she looked at him, she smiled in a knowing way and mouthed something. _Thank you._ Tipping the bottle to her, he drank.

They stood around, talking and drinking and moving from inside to outside and back again. Ellie stood by him for a while and had already given him permission to leave, but he stayed hoping she might want to leave with him. Grabbing a fresh beer from the cooler outside, Dally sat on the cement steps instead of going back in. He drank alone in the night, watching the last of the charcoal embers go out in the grill. When the back door opened, he fully expected Ellie to be there. He almost choked on his beer when Steve sat down next to him. Not knowing what else to do, Dally dug a bottle out of the ice, popped the cap, and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he said, accepting it with his good arm.

"Sure." Dally had never been good with small talk and sat there uncomfortably.

Steve seemed to pick up on that. "I needed some air. You have a smoke?"

Without a word, Dally whipped out his pack of Kools and shook two out, lit them, and handed one off to Steve who had to set his beer down to accept.

"I don't know how you still smoke this shit," he said, with a laugh.

They smoked in silence which was fine by Dally. Steve was the one that finally broke the silence.

"Ellie says you guys are doing pretty good."

Dally shrugged and said nothing. Even he had to admit they were in a better place than they ever had been, despite the fact they could still fight over the dumbest things. That afternoon being a prime example.

"I mean, you're here tonight and you clearly don't want to be, but she wants you to be here, huh?"

"Something like that," Dally replied.

"I think it's exactly that," Steve said, draining what was left in the bottle. "I'm glad you finally came home."

This was a surprising admission coming from the guy who once tried to kick the shit out of him when he first went out with Ellie. Dally gave him a sideways glance, sizing him up.

"That seems like bullshit coming from you."

Steve shrugged. "People change. Besides, she seems happy even though she waited on you for so long."

Dally nodded in agreement, but left the part where she made him wait too out of the conversation. He had a feeling he wouldn't get much sympathy for getting the cold shoulder for a few months when he made her wait years.

"Evie waited, too. She was pissed at me when I left, but she wrote me bunch and we got back on again while I was gone. Then this shit happened, " he said, looking at his arm. "I told her to not to bother when she came by yesterday."

People did not open up to him, and Dally was at a loss. A huge, uncomfortable loss. Steve was staring out toward the alley, and Dally drank.

"Worst part? She hasn't come around since. I kind of hoped she'd been as brainless as Ellie was waiting on you."

Christ, people really hated him. To his own surprise, though, the comment really didn't bother him. Maybe it was because he had her back or that Steve, who had always been such an asshole, sat there miserably spilling his guts about his girl. His own memories were hazy, but Dally remembered that once in a vulnerable spot, he told Ellie to get the fuck out of his way. That was years ago and they were still together despite of that. It was something he should have told Steve because one hopeless situation was as valid as another, but he wasn't good at being supportive.

"She'll come around again," he finally said.

"I can't do shit with this arm. I always thought I'd be a decent mechanic and that would be enough for us. That ship sailed, and I don't know what I can do now. She needs someone who can take care of her," he said, bitterly.

For a second, Dallas wondered how many times people thought he wasn't good enough for Ellie. He knew he was a useless piece of shit, but she somehow always made him feel like less of one. He didn't deserve her, but he fucking loved her. He should have said something like that to Steve, but he gave him the only useful piece of advice he could muster.

"Christ, man, you've been home a couple of days and you've been with her for how long? You don't want to end that. Figure your shit out. If she's a good one, don't let her go like that."

Steve was quiet and Dally reached into the ice and pulled out two more beers.

Accepting his, Steve finally said, "How long did it take you to figure that one out?"

The truth was that Dallas had always known that, it had just taken him a long time to learn how to do anything about it. Looking at Steve's long face, Dallas realized that despite everything, he had ended up the lucky one. That was an unbelievable feeling.

"A long fucking time. Don't be like me."

"Shit, that's the last thing I'd wanna be," Steve said with a smirk.

XXX

Together, Dally and Ellie walked back to her house. They left Steve, Two-Bit, and Darry at the table talking, but Steve insisted she go home and sleep so she wouldn't miss school. It sometimes embarrassed her when they pushed her about it, but she was still happy to have their support. They seemed to want to see her graduate as much as she wanted to.

She wouldn't have minded staying longer, but she also wanted to get Dally alone to ask him about his conversation with Steve. She had gone to find him when he didn't come back after a while, assuming he had taken off without telling her. She was surprised to see them both sitting on the stoop. It was such a quiet moment that she left without interrupting.

"You didn't have to stay so long, you know? But I'm glad you did," she said, sliding her hand into his.

"Yeah."

Quiet again, they made it back to her street and stood outside his truck. She knew he wanted her to go with him, but it was already late.

"What did you and Steve talk about?"

Dodging her question, he dug out his cigarettes and tapped one out. "You wanna come with me? I'll drive you to school in the morning."

She shook her head. "It's really late, but don't worry. School's almost out and then I'm all yours."

He tucked his cigarette behind his ear before he put his hand around her waist and pulled her close. When he kissed her, it was gentle and warm and devoid of urgency. She melted against him. It was one of those perfect moments, and it was hard to believe the evening had begun with them angry with each other.

"What was that for?" she asked, still close to him.

"Nothing." He had a little smile on his face as he kissed her again. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dollface."

When he left, she stood there wondering about him but smiling all the same.

 _Tongue in your cheek and back in my knife  
Out here looking for the good life  
Keep on pushing through  
I got eyes on you_


	11. Haunted Heart

**Disclaimer: SE Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. Little Hurricane owns "Haunted Heart.**

 _I'll be your thief in the night so I can steal you  
I'll be your church where you pray so I can heal you_

 **May 23, 1970**

A heavy knock on the door jolted them both out of sleep. Dally decided to ignore it and closed his eyes again. Ellie didn't contest and settled back in, too. It wasn't for long, though, because the knock came again, louder this time, and followed by his name shouted from the other side.

"Christ," Dallas said under his breath. He got up, pulled on some pants, and glowered at the fact that it was a Saturday morning and barely light outside. He wasn't any happier to see Buck standing in the hallway when he opened the door, either. "What the fuck do you want, man? It's early."

"The stable guys aren't going to make it up this morning and I need you to head out there. Clean the stalls, feed and water them," Buck told him. "I'm in a bind and its gotta be done. I'll pay you extra."

"I'd rather ride in the next rodeo," Dallas told him. He was still half asleep, but he knew Buck still wouldn't give in. Cash wasn't a terrible trade off. Buck looked like he was considering it and Dally tried to push him. "I'm as good as I ever was, man. You remember how good that was?"

Buck shook his head, but Dallas could see his nostalgia for all those races and all that cash Dally used to bring in. The hook was in the water, but unfortunately, Buck still wasn't biting.

"Good or not, you stole from me and I ain't putting you in. Get up there."

Slamming the door, Dally turned back to the room and saw Ellie sitting up in the bed with tired eyes and a raised eyebrow.

"What's up?"

"Gotta go take care of the horses," he replied, trying to mask his anger as he picked up a t-shirt from the floor.

"Want some help?"

He paused as he slid his shirt on. "It'll take a while."

"It'll go faster with two of us."

Climbing out of bed, she dug through the clothes she had tucked in there and quickly got dressed. They were out the door as the sun reached fully over the horizon, and he drove them out to the stables.

XXX

While Dallas turned the horses out into the field, Ellie went back and forth, filling water buckets at the spigot. As one was filling, she watched him lead a shiny black horse through the gate. He stopped with her, stroking her dark head and running his hand down her neck. Even though Ellie couldn't hear him because of the distance and the running water, she saw his lips moving and she smiled to herself as he talked to the mare. If there was any one place where he seemed like a whole person, it was when he was around horses. She had seen it before when they were kids and he rode in the rodeos. She understood it when she went with him to Lane's. That kind of peace was rare for him.

Ellie's gaze was broken when water overflowed the bucket and soaked through her shoes. Jumping back, she spun the knob and hefted the bucket back inside. It took her almost an hour to fill all of the buckets. By the time she was done, her jeans were soaked up to her knees and Dally had already mucked out four of the stalls. The wheelbarrow stood outside of a stall and she stepped inside as he worked with a shovel. He stopped what he was doing and took her in.

"You get any water in the buckets?" he asked, with a laugh.

She shoved him a little. "Don't make fun of me if you want help."

He told her where to find a shovel, and Ellie worked in the stall beside him scooping up horse shit. It was honestly not what she expected out of her day, but it wasn't too bad. This was a lot better work than ringing up people at the grocery store.

When they finished all of the stalls, Dallas tossed her his keys and picked up the wheelbarrow handles. Motioning ahead of them, across the way, he said, "You see that barn over there?"

Ellie saw a rickety shack filled with bales of hay. "Yeah."

"Take the truck over and back in. I'll meet you there."

She drove over the gravel and dirt and backed in like he asked, the sweet smell of hay wafted in through the windows in the warm breeze. He walked over and instructed her to stand in the back of the truck. She waited for him to heft bales from the stacks in the barn into the bed of the truck where she pushed them to the back, stacking them when she ran out of space.

"One more," he said, panting as he heaved the last one up to her. Even though her arms were tired, she managed to grab it from him and set it on another bale before he helped her down. Back in the truck, he drove over to the horse barn.

Ellie went to the tailgate to start hauling out the bales, but he had a glint in his eye that told her they weren't about to do that just yet.

"What?"

"We'll get them later," he said, as he walked into the barn.

He opened the door to the tack room and went right for a saddle. He touched it, and then lifted a tangle of leather straps off of a hook and handed them to her. He picked up the saddle and walked out of the room.

"You're going to ride?" she asked, following behind

"Yeah. Buck don't like me riding any of them because they're for rodeos, but they gotta get warmed up somehow."

Outside, he set the saddle on the fence and squinted out at the horses grazing in the field where he turned them out. The one he had been so affectionate with earlier was still nearby, and he clicked his tongue a few times and the horse mosied over.

"What's her name?"

"Tabitha. Like on Bewitched."

Again, he gently pet her and then went over the fence and went to work with the saddle and the bridle. When he was done, he looked over at Ellie with his eyebrows raised. She just shook her head.

"I'd rather watch than ride."

Dally led Tabitha over to a round riding arena not too far out from the field. Ellie shut the gate behind as he climbed into the saddle.

She crossed her arms on the rail, watching him as he started walking her around the ring, slow at first, and then faster and faster. After a while, he seemed to forget Ellie was there and she swore she never saw him so happy and free. He took that horse in circles and ran her around like he would in barrel races.

It mesmerized her to watch him ride, and she thought about all the times everyone tried to warn her about him: Dallas is crazy. Dallas is rash. He's mean, he's cold, he's nothing but trouble. Trouble may have been his middle name, but Dallas had given it to himself. She knew that.

Her personal favorite was that everyone believed he was out of control. Everything he ever did was because he wanted it, and Ellie counted herself into that scenario. Every fight he picked, every friend he had, every race he ran, every law he broke, he did it because he wanted to. Maybe no one else would agree, but Ellie understood that he had so little power over anything else, he controlled what he could. It might have been a lot of police trouble, but there was more to his life, too. Watching him ride was proof enough of the contradiction. If Dallas Winston was a soul out of control, he never would have had the ability to learn how to ride as well as he did. He never would have learned in the first place.

Ellie had been there when he lost it, though. In Ponyboy's theme, Two-Bit said it had been his breaking point, which was true enough, but she saw it a little differently. His world spun off of its axis, and he had learned very abruptly and very violently that there were some things he could not hold power over. Ever since then, Ellie witnessed his struggle to reclaim it. That struggle was what prompted her to keep certain secrets to herself. She often thought about the baby she lost, but she always kept it to herself.

The last time she saw him this carefree was in Windrixville. She thought back to those days with a heavy, but happy heart. That was a year ago and he finally seemed to be finding his stride. There were still times she wished he would consider at least staying up there for a few days every now and again, but she was happy to have him home. If he was in Tulsa and trying to live his life with her, Ellie was going to do everything she could to keep him whole and happy. That included staying home, even though New York was often on her mind.

A low rumble of thunder startled her and she was surprised to see dark clouds gathering on the horizon. The wind started picking up suddenly and Dallas stopped the horse at the gate where she was.

"We gotta get the hay in before it rains."

Ellie opened the gate for him and he rode Tabitha back into the barn. He hopped down and walked her into an open stall then dashed for the truck. Ellie followed after him and did what she could to help, but the storm came on fast and strong. Before they knew it, they were working in a violent downpour.

XXX

She was sitting on one of the bales of hay as he leaned against the door jamb watching the storm. Water was still dripping off of them, their clothes clung to their skin, and they were quiet. The wind kicked up and the temperature had dropped at least 10 degrees. Dally didn't miss the way she shivered. He opened the door to the tack room and picked a horse blanket from a shelf.

"It ain't the cleanest, but it's warm."

Unfolding it, he wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and sat down beside her. Outside, the rain was still falling in buckets, thunder crashing a half-second after the flashes of lightening. They sat there side-by-side watching the storm rage right above them. Ellie leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Did you know that prom is tonight?" she asked him.

Panic bloomed in his chest and he struggled with something to say. If she hated Will Rogers so much, he didn't actually believe she was going to insist they go. He didn't put it past her, either.

He offered her a bored "Oh yeah?"

She lifted her head and tucked her wet hair behind her ears, eyes trained on him. "It was a year ago you came home."

A year ago, she looked a hell of a lot different. She wore a fancy blue dress, and her hair was done up in pins and curls. There was some other guy chasing after her. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I believed I would never see you again and there you were."

There was a time he wasn't sure he was ever going to come back. He thought back to that weekend a year ago and remembered how happy he was, then how scared he got. Being so close to her again reminded him of how easy it was to lose a person. Looking at her now, he still had that fear, but he was learning how to deal. Life was better with her in it.

"You looked pretty that night," he said. He tugged on a lock of her hair, and she smiled a little. "I like this better."

She laid her head back on his shoulder and they watched the storm. Dallas thought about that other boy and how she left him behind. He put his arm around her waist, holding her close and breathing her in. He thought about telling her that he loved her, but he kept silent. They stayed like that until the thunder was far away and the sky lightened. The rain was still falling, but the wind died down.

"Want to head back? Get something eat? I'm starving," he said, standing up and stretching.

Ellie stood too. "Me, too."

Dally took the blanket from her and tossed it back where it came from. He pulled the hay they were sitting on so it was out of the way, and quickly turned Tabitha out into the field with the other horses. Someone would be by later in the afternoon to bring them in.

They got into the truck but before he could start it up, she said out of the blue, "Do you remember that night at the drive-in with Pony and Johnny right after you got out of jail that one time?"

It was hard to look at her when she brought up Johnny. He stared out the windshield and nodded, wondering where this was going.

"After you left, I followed you and Johnny made a joke about how fast we were getting back together. He thought it was funny, but he was happy about it," she said, trailing off for a second. Dally dared a glance and she was looking right at him. "When he was in the hospital the night he … the night of the rumble, he told me he knew you loved me. He just always got it, you know? He got us."

She looked down at her hand and was quiet. Dally remembered Johnny in that hospital bed, and it felt like someone punched him in the gut.

"Sorry, I was thinking about a lot of things today when we were working," she said, quickly. "I guess I'm just happy you came home. I'm happy you're here with me."

He thought about the last few years and especially a year ago in Windrixville. He had been so nervous to see her again. He had been shocked and pleased when she climbed into the truck with him.

She was playing with the medal around her neck. He grabbed a hold of it gently and pulled her closer. The words he needed to say stuck in his throat. "Me, too," he said. It was all he could manage.

She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Dallas forgot about Johnny and all the reasons he almost didn't have her and kissed her back. When they parted, she was smiling and Dallas started up the truck. They were both still damp and filthy and he felt a grin tug at his lips.

"What?"

Dally pulled out onto the wet road, shining bright in the sunlight after the storm. He glanced over at her again and took in her messy hair, her wrinkled, rain-soaked shirt and laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, just thinking about that first night you stayed at Buck's with me before anyone knew about us," he said. "You went to school in the clothes you slept in and everyone knew after that."

She smiled and shook her head. "We've never really had it all that easy."

That was true enough, but things were looking up, and he was looking forward to them.

 _You'll be my life when I am dead  
I'll be your calm in the storm ahead_


	12. How Pretty is the Middle of June?

**Disclaimer: SE Hinton owns** _ **The Outsiders**_ **. Noah Gundersen owns "Middle of June."**

 _And love is a thing that you can't define  
Though you try with all your might  
Through the riddles and rhymes_

 **June 1970**

Dallas stood under the lukewarm water, scrubbing dirt off from the barn. It had been another early morning, but it wasn't nearly as enjoyable as the last early morning Buck made him work. Ellie hadn't stayed the night this weekend and he was really going to have to book it to make it to her graduation on time. He couldn't make himself move very fast, though, and he left Buck's with his hair still wet and driving like the devil was on his tail.

The Will Rogers' parking lot was already packed full of cars and he had to wait endlessly for people to cross the street and get out of his way. All of that effort and he still couldn't find a parking spot. Irritated beyond belief, he pulled back out onto the road, seriously considering just leaving. There were so many people there she might not even notice that he wasn't, but when he saw people parking on the street and running in, he bit the bullet and found a spot. He couldn't kid himself that it didn't matter to her if he was there or not. He knew it mattered. And graduation was the end of her time being monopolized.

He would have been fine to just sit by himself, but he heard a loud whistle that he knew belonged to Two-Bit. He slowly climbed up the bleachers and sat at the end of the row beside Steve. Darry shook his hand and Allison and Carolyn both smiled and told him _hello_.

"How's it going, man?" Two-Bit asked.

"Fine. Can't believe we're all back in this shithole."

He didn't mean it to be funny, but both Steve and Two-Bit laughed.

The school band started playing a song and a long line of kids started walking in in their ridiculous gowns. Ellie finally came in toward the back half of the procession and she looked right up to where they were all sitting and waved. He raised his arm in a halfhearted reply and watched the entire ceremony entirely detached.

XXX

With a racing heart and shaky legs, Ellie stood in line in her graduation gown, waiting to hear her name and walk across the stage. Struggling to take deep breaths, she thought about the day her counselor told her she was flunking out and those horrible months that followed. She didn't even recognize that girl anymore. She was a stranger and had been replaced by someone who felt so much stronger than that other girl had ever imagined she could be.

There were two people ahead of her now, and she wiped her palms on her gown, readying herself for a moment that she worked so hard for. They called each name, two people she didn't know, and she finally stood there ready for her own.

Principal Greene stood tall at the podium and announced her name clearly, but with little emotion. "Ella Margaret O'Hare."

And as she started her brief walk in the spotlight, she felt tears in her eyes as she heard a small pocket of people cheer for her. She accepted her diploma and shook every hand down the line. The moment was a blur, but a happy one.

As she walked back to her seat, she found where her friends and family were sitting and held up the small folder holding her diploma. Two-Bit whistled and Dallas winked at her but looked bored.

Sitting back down, she stared at the piece of paper with her name on it, smiling to herself. She listened to the rest of the names called, clapping when Wade walked the stage.

When it was all said and done, the graduates tossed their mortarboards and Ellie got out of that hot, stuffy gym as fast as she could. If she could help it, this day was going to be the last day she ever stepped foot inside of Will Rogers.

Outside, she walked around looking for anyone she knew when someone behind her tapped her on the shoulder. Spinning around, she was surprised to see Ponyboy standing there with a huge grin.

"Oh my God! What are you doing here?" she cried, hugging him.

"I'm so late. I wanted to surprise you."

Holding him at arm's length, she said, "You did surprise me!"

"I was supposed to be here in time for this, but my bus broke down on the way and it took forever for them to get a new one to us."

She spotted the rest of them coming heading up their way, and Ellie turned him around. Darry grinned from ear-to-ear as he hugged Pony and was still smiling as he hugged her, too.

"Congratulations, El," he said. "I'm really proud of you."

When he released her, her mom came up to her with a hug as well.

"Good job, baby," she said. When she released her, she pulled her aside a little. "Me, Jimmy, and Danny are going to take you to lunch, ok? And then Darry said for you to come over when you can."

Smiling, Ellie nodded and hugged the rest of her friends. Dallas was standing far back from everyone, and she stood in front of him.

"Nice job," he said, woodenly. He leaned down and kissed her, but he didn't say much else.

"Are you going to be at Darry's later? My mom wants to take me for lunch right now."

Even though she knew he would have rather done anything else for the rest of the day, he nodded. "Yeah, dollface, I'll see you there."

Steve and Two-Bit both came up and hugged her, too. Steve seemed especially proud.

 **XXX**

Lunch with her little family was as nice as it could get. They took her to an Italian restaurant and the four of them ate in actual good company. Jimmy was good-natured and sociable and he even once told her he was proud of her. Danny gave her a handmade card and a small bouquet of flowers.

"I picked them out. They're pretty like you," he said, squeezing her in his tiny arms.

"I love them," she said, kissing his cheek.

Her mom handed her an envelope and a small, wrapped box. Ellie opened the card first and $50 fell out of it. She looked at her mother with a bit of shock.

"You worked hard baby, you deserve that."

"Thank you so much, Mama."

Picking up the small box, she unwrapped it and found a stunning emerald ring inside. Shocked for the second time in a minute, she looked up at her mother.

"It was grandma's ring. I thought you should have it," she said. Ellie picked it out of the box and slid it on her finger. "If it doesn't fit, we'll take it this week and get it sized."

It fit perfectly, though. Ellie smiled at the shiny ring and got up and hugged her mom.

"I love it, thank you."

It was the single nicest thing she had ever been given, and even more than that, it was one of the most thoughtful things her mother had ever done for her. When Ellie sat back down, she couldn't stop staring at it and when she looked up she saw the smile on her mom's face as well.

 **XXX**

The Curtises backyard was set up for a party, and Dally sat on a folding chair drinking a beer alone. Everyone was happy and milling about, waiting on Ellie to come back. There was a table set up with a cake and some presents and he stared at it, annoyed. He hadn't thought about getting her a gift, so he had left not long after he arrived to get a bunch of flowers. They seemed pathetic, though, and he left them sitting in the truck.

By the time she got there, the party was already in full swing with just the lot of them. When she came around back, Two-Bit hollered and everyone clapped. She turned bright red, but she looked so happy. Dally took a drink and stayed seated.

When she made her way to him, she plopped down on his lap and kissed him.

"How was lunch?"

Beaming, she said, "It was great. Look what my mom gave me."

She held up her right hand he looked at the ring on her finger.

"Nice," he said, not bothering to take a closer look.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here right now. Thank you."

She kissed him and he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer, but she pushed away. Getting up, she winked at him and joined in with everyone else. She talked with everyone, staying close to Pony and never really looking back his way. Lighting up a cigarette, he wished it was a week ago at the barn. He just wanted her alone.

Allison cut the cake, and Ellie opened the gifts on the table. As she was doing so, Steve came over and set a piece of cake in front of him and sat down.

"You could try to look more bored."

Dally grunted in response, and Steve said, "If you saw her at her worst, you would know this a big deal."

There was some accusation in his tone, and Dally glared at him.

"You've both come a long way," he added.

There wasn't anything he wanted to say to that, and he was about to get up to get a beer when a lanky, blond kid came around the back. There was a hush among everyone, and Dallas immediately watched Ellie. At first she looked shocked, but then a smile crossed her lips as she gave the guy a quick hug. Pony jumped in and shook his hand and they all three stood there together as all the others told him hello. There was an envelope with a bow in his band. Anger flooded through him and he stood up, knocking his chair backward.

"Hey man," Steve said, standing up and blocking his way. "You make a scene and you'll ruin her day. If you can't handle it, leave."

Looking back at Steve, he heard the advice and took it, even though he didn't want to. Angrily, he righted the chair and sat back down. Steve hovered another few seconds and crossed the small lawn and shook Wade's hand with his left. The kid was polite and smiled and showed concern and even from across the lawn, Dally could hear the questions and comments he made. Everyone seemed happy to see him, but Dallas felt his heartbeat in his temples and he clenched his jaw.

After a few minutes, things settled down around them and Wade pulled Ellie aside. He said something Dally couldn't hear and handed her the envelope. Slowly, she opened it and pulled out what looked like a typed letter. As she read, her fingers went to her lips and she smiled. He said something and the way she looked up at the kid was a way she had never looked at Dallas. And when they hugged, he held her like a guy who was aiming to hold on, and he did it for way too long. When they finally parted, she kept her hand on his arm and was beaming at him.

"Hey guys," she said, catching everyone's attention as she stood beside him, "Wade is going to Texas in the fall. He'll be a Longhorn!"

There was more clapping and more congratulations going around. Dallas sat there seething with blind rage and simultaneously feeling like the dumbest person on the planet. This wholesome, goofy-looking kid made her smile carefree smiles and was going to college. Everyone liked him and looked happy to see him. This kid swept in while he wasn't there and was clearly everything Dallas was not. It was all too much to see her smile and think back on all the things he had ever done that hurt her, and he stood up and stormed into the house.

Spinning in circles, trying to decide if he should leave or go back out, he decided to leave. Picking up his keys from the coffee table where he left them, he went out the front door and down to where he was parked across the street. He froze with his hand on the door handle when she heard her calling him.

"You're going?"

Easing his death grip on the door, he turned around and faced her. Those eyes were big again but also looked at him with a degree of disappointment.

"It's a little crowded in there," he said, trying to act bored. Steve's warning was blaring in his head.

She pressed her lips together and crossed the distance and stood in front of him. She put her hand on his arm. "I didn't invite him. He just came by to let me know he kept a promise to me."

Painfully, he swallowed the urge to cuss the kid out.

"He was here with me the day Steve enlisted and promised me he'd go to college so he wouldn't end up in Vietnam, too."

"He shouldn't fucking be here."

"Hey," she said, her voice firm, but inviting. He looked at her and she set her hand on his cheek, fingers in his hair. "It's you, remember?

As intoxicating as she was in these moments, Dally could only see the way her face lit up when the kid came around. The hopeful smile on her face and the stars in her eyes, and it was even harder to miss the way everyone else clapped and cheered when they saw him. He pulled her hand away and got into the truck. She stood there with her hands on the door, looking at him through the open window.

"Are those for me?"

Dally stopped short of starting up the engine and looked at the bouquet sitting tossed away and forgotten on the seat. Picking them up, he only saw how late and last minute they were, but handed them to her anyway, wilted from the heat of the day.

"They're beautiful," she said.

Not as beautiful as she was, but he just nodded and started the engine.

"Congratulations, Ellie."

She backed away and he drove off, looking back to see her standing in the street, watching him leave.

Back up at Buck's, he got himself shamelessly drunk and crashed on his bed alone.

XXX

Ellie stood in the street until the truck turned the corner and she looked down at the bouquet of flowers in her hand. A long time ago, he never would have even thought about buying her flowers. Even though she was disappointed he left, they made her smile. She just wished he wouldn't get so jealous over nothing.

The screen door squeaked open and slammed shut again. She looked up to see Steve standing on the porch.

"I wondered where you went," he said, meeting her at the gate and walking with her. "He left?"

"Yeah, he made it as long as he could."

Steve pulled the door open for her. "Wade really gets to him, huh?"

Ellie bit her tongue. She knew Dally hated Wade, and she knew he was just jealous that anyone else ever got close to her, which also included Tim Shepard. The only girl Dally had ever seemed kind of serious with was Sylvia and the thought of that girl used to set Ellie's teeth on edge herself. It wasn't just Wade, though, and she knew that.

"He has a hard time being here," she finally said, a realization crossing her mind. "No one gets excited to see him the way everyone did when Wade showed up."

"Sorry," Steve said.

"He's really trying. It took a lot for him to stay as long as he did."

"Well, trying or not, this is your night. You worked really hard for it, and you need to enjoy it. Go back outside and have fun," he said, shoving her with his good arm. "Go."

She followed his advice and went back outside. Two-Bit forced a beer bottle into her hand and she hung out with her friends and with Wade. It surprised her he was still there almost as much as it surprised her he came in the first place. She didn't realize how much she missed him as a friend. While she was happy he was there, she wanted Dallas to be there, too.

After a while she, Wade, and Pony were sitting at the card table hanging out. Darry and Allison were cleaning up the party, and the three of them sat there talking as though nothing had happened between them.

"I'm glad New York is going good for you," Wade told Pony. "I'm glad it all worked out."

Pony smiled and he gave her a little knowing look. "It's really been great. I'm trying to talk Ellie into moving out there with me."

They both looked at her expectantly, and she smiled with a shake of her head. "I haven't made up my mind yet."

"I think you really want to," Pony said.

Ellie ignored the obvious problem with Dallas, and asked, "What would I even do there?"

Holding his hand up, Pony started ticking off things on his fingers saying, "Anything you want: hang out with me, get a new job, see lots of cool things, maybe look at some schools."

Ellie cut him off. "I barely made it through high school."

"You could, though. You're smart," Wade said.

Looking right at him, she remembered the blind belief he always had in her, and she thought about Soda's letter encouraging her to go, also. She hadn't been able to kill the idea of going, but she was afraid to rock the boat with Dallas.

"Thanks," she finally said. "I'll keep my options open, ok?"

The backdoor opened and Two-Bit, Steve, and Darry came out holding a bottle of whiskey. They crowded around the card table with them and Darry handed out cups as Two-Bit poured.

"What's this?" she asked.

"We need a toast," Two-Bit said.

"Where are the girls?" Ellie asked, afraid of leaving them out.

Darry said, "Getting the kids to bed, but this is for us."

Ellie turned her head as Wade stood up to leave, but Darry signaled for him to stay. He sat back down as Two-Bit handed him a cup.

They all held them up, and Darry said, "Here's to Ellie for working so hard. We're all so damn proud of you, kid."

Heat crept into her cheeks as they all clinked their cups and drank in her honor. It felt good to have everyone so proud of her after she had screwed up so badly.

Two-Bit started pouring more into everyone's cups and Darry raised his again. "To Pony and Steve because you're both home."

They were about to all clink glasses and drink when Ellie, suddenly feeling nostalgic and lonely for absent friends, said, "And for Soda."

"We all sure hope he's safe," Two-Bit added.

Solemnly, they all clinked their cups and drank. Ellie soaked it all in and wished Dally could find a place again. She knew that if he made the effort, everyone else wouldn't feel as awkward anymore. She longed for the old days when they all would sit around the dining room table and play poker and just be friends. Those were such innocent times and everyone seemed to be remembering the same things that she was.

Darry looked at her for a second and snapped his fingers.

"I almost forgot. I'll be right back," he said, going inside. When he came back out a minute later, he handed her the envelope he had been carrying. "Soda sent this a little while ago and wanted you to have it today."

Ellie turned over the familiar stationery and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He had drawn a rough sketch of the New York skyline with a little stick figure girl with her arms raised at the bottom. Opening the flap, she read what he wrote on the inside:

 _Happy Graduation! I'm so proud of you! Now, pack your bags and go to New York and I promise to come visit you while you're there. One of the guys in my squad said the hotdog carts are not to be missed and I'm going to take you out for a hotdog celebration dinner in honor of getting the hell out of Will Rogers._

 _Yours,  
Soda_

It made her smile and she put the letter away without showing anyone. Pony caught her eye and leaned in close. "I know he's trying really hard to convince you to go."

"I haven't said no yet. I'll keep thinking about it."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Pony backed off, satisfied, and Wade gave her a warm smile. She looked away, as Two-Bit started setting up for a game of quarters. Allison and Carolyn came back out and Ellie played happily with her friends. She shelved her thoughts about New York for the night and glanced at Wade again, wishing like hell that Dallas was sitting in his seat.

 _But it'll fly you like a kite,  
It'll throw you to the ground  
But that's the best thing I have found_


	13. Your Heart on the Line

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns "The Outsiders"** **** **and Mumford and Sons owns** ** _Little Lion Man._**

 **July 1, 1970**

 _Weep for yourself, my man,_ _ **  
**_ _You'll never be what is in your heart_ _ **  
**_ _Weep little lion man,_ _ **  
**_ _You're not as brave as you were at the start_ _ **  
**_ _Rate yourself and rake yourself,_ _ **  
**_ _Take all the courage you have left_ _ **  
**_ _Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head_

In the weeks after graduation, life settled down and it felt like every other summertime of her life. Ellie split her time working at the grocery store and babysitting Danny and the girls when she was asked. The rest of her time was spent with Dally. Ever since Wade popped up at her party, though, Dally's mood would swing from one extreme to the other for no reason and with little warning. It was even worse than before. With school out, she spent most nights at Buck's with him, which often meant she was spending a good chunk of her free afternoons there as well. He snapped at her a lot and drank heavily when he got into a mood, which was seemingly all the time. It made her wish for those couple of months where it seemed like they were doing well.

"Let's go do something," she said, desperate to get out into the sunshine.

"What?"

"Let's go for a drive. I don't know, anything as long as it's not around here," she said, looking around the room in disgust.

He reluctantly agreed as he slipped a black t-shirt over his head, and she headed for the door.

As they got in the truck, she said, "Lunch?"

"Fine."

Things were quiet as he drove and she watched scenery fly by as he took them away from Tulsa. After a while, they saw a little diner with a river view patio, and he stopped there.

"This is nice," she said, walking in with him hand-in-hand.

His only answer was to grumble something which she ignored.

The place served sandwiches and fries and they ate quietly. She took in the view and he picked at his food, unimpressed. He sat back in his seat with a cigarette and looked at the water.

"Are you ok?"

His brows furrowed. "Yeah."

She had asked him at least twice in the last two weeks and always got the same answer. It wasn't as though she was some stranger to his moods. It was just that he didn't bounce back like he used to. Not wanting to push him, she let it go.

When he started to get restless, she paid the tab and they walked around the little town. She window-shopped and they went through a few little stores looking at the knick knacks. At one small shop, she watched him swipe a decorative ashtray from a shelf. She poked him sharply in the side.

"Put it back," she whispered.

Instead, he grabbed a second one and hid it in the waistband is his jeans.

"Knock it off!"

They both turned around when the man at the cash register cleared his throat. Ellie shut up and Dally headed for the counter. On his way he picked up a couple of candy bars and dropped them on the counter. Ellie stood back and watched with alarm.

"Just these," he said.

The man stared him down as Dally laid 30 cents on the counter. The man glowered at Dallas and said, "It's 20 cents for the candy and two dollars for the ashtrays."

Ellie felt the blood drain from her face and she stood up beside him at the counter. Both of his hands were laid flat and he had that look in his eyes that usually meant the cops were about to be called.

"You think I'm stealing?" Dallas dared the man.

"I know you're stealing. I saw you take those ashtrays. If you don't want the cops called, it's two dollars."

"I didn't steal jack shit," Dally told him. "Go ahead, call the fucking cops."

"Knock it off!" Ellie whispered loudly.

She put her hand on his shoulder in an attempt to move him away, but he shrugged her off. As he pointed a finger at the man and called him a liar, Ellie pulled two dollars out of her purse and laid it on the counter.

"Let's go," she told him, in no uncertain terms.

He still stood there, glaring at the man, neither one of them backing down. After a few seconds though, the man rang up the purchases, and reached for the two dollars. Dallas slapped his hand down on it first.

"Boy, get your hand off the money," he warned him.

Ellie had it and she grabbed his arm and yanked him away, the dollars floating to the floor. She pulled and pushed him right out the front door as he cussed out the man and he spit on the welcome mat.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked.

Dallas looked at her incredulously, and pointed a finger right in her face as he said, "He accused me of stealing and then _you_ went and fucking paid him for it."

"You did steal!" she yelled at him, slapping his hand away. "He was going to call the cops on you."

"He was bluffing."

Shaking her head, Ellie said, "Let's just go."

She walked a couple of paces before she realized he wasn't following. Turning around, she saw he held an ashtray in either hand. Cocking his arm back, he threw the first one and it shattered against the glass shop door. He threw the second one and it shattered like the first.

She yelled for him to stop it and ran back as he picked up a brick that paved the small garden under the picture window. He sent it flying through the front door and the sound of shattered glass crashed in her ears. He flipped off the man and started to run, grabbing her arm as he went. He pulled her all the way back to where they parked. When he started the engine, they heard sirens, but he was around the corner and headed out of town before they saw lights. Ellie didn't breathe a sigh of relief for another five minutes.

"What the hell was that about?"

He was sitting coolly behind the wheel, totally relaxed. He was smoking and the wind from the open window was blowing through his hair.

"I told you, he called me a liar."

"You _were_ lying. You were out of trouble, you know? If they find you, they'll have you for destruction of property," she said. She had no idea how much jail that could mean, if any at all, but the thought had her scared.

"They ain't gonna find me."

For a long time she didn't say anything, she just studied him and considered his actions and attitudes lately. She didn't like it when he was like this and when he got like this it meant trouble. If they were teenagers she wouldn't worry so much, but they weren't teenagers anymore.

"Were you trying to get caught?" she asked, quietly.

"What the fuck would I do that for?" he snapped, the relaxed tone gone.

Ellie wanted to say something, but she came up blank. The only reasons she had ever known Dallas to want to be arrested was to add to his own impressive list of laws broken or to run away from all of his problems. She couldn't imagine he was aiming to add to his list and she wondered what the problem could be this time.

When she said nothing, he shook his head annoyed. "I can't believe you tried to pay that asshole."

For the rest of the trip to Buck's, they didn't talk. Ellie tried to figure out all the reasons he was acting the way he was lately and why she couldn't pull him back. For the first time in months, she started thinking about Lane and Windrixville, but she decided not to rock the boat anymore than she already had.

When he parked the truck, he looked at her expectantly. She reluctantly got out and followed him inside. Since summer started, the whole place seemed to explode into a party every night. It was only about dinner time, and the place was already swinging. The music was loud and the smoke thick. Dallas had a drink in his hand with a second for her in less than a minute. He pulled her back to a small table in the corner littered with beer bottles. He finally seemed in his element and calmed down.

"Is this what you want to do the rest of the night?" she asked, peeling the label from the bottle.

He leaned in close and set his hand high on her leg and whispered in her ear, "Not the rest of the night."

Removing his hand, she glared at him, angry that he acted like an idiot the entire day and even angrier that he seemed to think that she wouldn't mind. He glared right back but kept his hand away.

"What's got you so fucking uptight?"

"You think I'm being uptight? I tried to keep you from getting yourself arrested and that makes me uptight?"

"Jesus, we used to do shit like that all the time and you never made a big deal about it," he said, with a smirk.

"Well, no one does that anymore. No one gets into fights, no one steals, no one breaks windows and has to run from the cops just for the hell of it. Everyone grew up. Maybe you should, too."

He slammed the beer bottle on the table and it startled her. Wiping sloshed beer from his hand he looked at her and said, "I have a fucking car and a job. What else do you want from me?"

Ellie cut him off quickly. "Running errands for Buck does not count as a job. You hardly do anything for him right now anyway."

Not to mention, Buck still wouldn't let him ride in rodeos and Ellie knew it was because he was getting wasted all the time. Ellie knew that and Buck probably saw it more than she did. No one in their right mind would let him on a horse with the way he had been. Even when he was a teenager he had more control. He was spiralling, and Ellie didn't know how to stop him.

Deciding to soften her approach, she took his hand. "Look, I'm just worried about you. I want things to be like they were a month ago."

His hand was limp in hers, and he was staring across the room at something she couldn't see. After a minute, he looked back at her, his eyes burning. "I thought the old boyfriend was coming around again."

It took her a minute to register what he was talking about and she was confused.

"Are you still really going on about Wade?"

"You were all over him at that party," he said, tipping his beer back.

Ellie let go of his hand and just looked on in disbelief. He was jealous of nothing and falling apart because of it. She hadn't invited him and she hadn't seen him since, which Dally should have known because she spent almost all of her time with him.

"Can you please lose your ego for five minutes and get it through your skull that nothing is happening between me and Wade? How many times do I have to remind you that I'm here with you? I chose you."

He sat there with his jaw clenched, staring forward again. "You wish you hadn't, though."

He didn't wait for her to answer and instead got up and headed straight for the stairs. Watching him leave, she sat there with her heart beating so loudly in her ears that she hardly noticed Curly Shepard sit down in his vacant seat.

With a whistle, he asked, "Trouble in paradise?"

She rubbed her face tiredly. "Nothing I can't handle."

Handing him the rest of her beer, she stood up and headed up the steps. She walked slowly toward his room and opened the door without knocking. Closing it behind her, she leaned against it and they stared at each other from across the room.

"I don't know what I've done that would make you think I wouldn't have picked you," she said, timidly.

"You're going to stand there and tell me that you don't wish for the rich kid that everybody seems to just fucking love? What could you possibly want from me?"

That was such a raw and honest statement that she felt herself start to forgive him for the afternoon. He was hurting, but he was hurting over something that didn't matter. Ellie loved him even when he was being difficult.

Pushing off from the door, she sat on the bed beside him. "I want you because I love you."

He had never told her that he loved her, and she didn't expect it, but she knew he loved her anyway. His hand reached for her, pushing her hair back behind her shoulder, looking her over with embattled eyes.

"Would you still have left with me that night?"

Maybe if she hadn't gotten pregnant and maybe if he wouldn't have left. Ellie didn't want to break him down any more so so answered him with a question of her own.

"Would you still have come?"

Neither one of them could answer the question they'd been given. Dally dropped his hands and that was answer enough for her. She thought about the quiet version of him working hard on that farm, away from everyone who knew him. Ellie really had invaded his world, and it was still so clear that he wasn't ready for it all.

"It goes both ways, Dallas. We have to meet in the middle."

Reaching forward, she gently touched his side where she knew a scar lingered beneath his shirt from one of the bullets. As usual, he pulled her hand away, and she shied back.

"Fucking stop," he said, standing up. "Leave it alone."

Without looking back, he slammed the door behind him as he walked out. Ellie sat there with his words echoing through the small room.

XXX

For the better part of an hour, he sat alone at the bar while the party raged on around him. He sat slowly getting drunk and beating himself up over all things he'd done. Ellie was the best thing in his life, the only constant, and he was pushing her away with both hands. It wasn't news to him that he was an asshole or that she tolerated him at his worst because she always saw through him to a person he wasn't even sure he was anymore. Every time things were going well, he found a way to fuck it up. That afternoon was no different.

Tossing back another shot, he thought back to that night he found her in her prom dress and how she left that rich kid in the dust without a word. And then he thought about the way her eyes lit up when the kid showed up at her party. Lord, but he had never seen her eyes like that.

When someone touched his arm, he knew it was her without looking.

"Come on," she said, tugging him a gently. He relented and got to his feet, but the world was spinning and he wobbled. She steadied him and led him toward the steps, guiding him with a hand on his back. At the top step, he tripped and he grabbed her arm for support and squeezed so hard she yelped in pain.

In his room, she shut the door and he went to her, holding her face in his hands he tried to steady his world in her eyes. Leaning in, he kissed her and they stumbled under his weight. Ellie pushed him away gently.

"You need to go to bed."

He felt her push him back and he lost his footing but landed on the hazy eyes, he watched her as she pulled off his shoes. He continued to watch her as his eyelids grew heavier and heavier. Eventually all he saw was darkness, but he felt her sit down beside him.

 _But it was not your fault but mine  
And it was your heart on the line_ _  
_ _I really fucked it up this time_ _  
_ _Didn't I, my dear?_


	14. Love Should Make You Feel Good

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders_** **and the Lumineers owns "Charlie Boy."**

 _Charlie boy,_

 _Don't go to war_

 **July 1, 1970**

The floorboards were really starting to hum from the party going on downstairs, but Ellie was still fretting over Dally alone. She sat on the bed, watching him sleep and trying to decide if she wanted to stay or not. The day had been so awful that she just wanted to curl up in her own bed and sleep in as late as possible. She felt bad leaving, but he wouldn't know the difference until he woke up in the morning anyway.

Looking around the room one more time, she went to the window, opened it, and looked down at the people who had spilled outside. Digging his keys out of his jeans pocket, she pulled the blanket over him and left the room, turning out the lights and shutting the door as she went.

Slowly she made her way down the steps and started for the door when she heard someone calling her name. Turning around, she saw Mitch and Todd heading her way.

"Hey, what's up?" Mitch asked. There was a beer in his hand and he was looking at her expectantly.

"Hey," she said, looking from one to the other, waiting on them to tell her what they wanted.

"Look, we wanted to know if you'd just hang out for awhile," Todd said, and then motioned behind him to where a handful of guys and their girls were shooting pool and drinking in the back part of the roadhouse. "Curly got drafted and I know he's always kind of liked you, and you're friends and all."

Ellie heard nothing past the word _drafted._ She set her hand on her heart. "He got drafted? When?"

"Earlier today. They pulled his number," Mitch said.

Everything that was going on with Steve and Soda was already too much for her, but when she looked back at Curly hanging out with his friends, just drinking and carrying on like nothing was wrong, her heart broke for him. As much as she really didn't think Soda was cut out for war, she doubted Curly's abilities even more.

Looking back at Mitch, she asked, "Does Tim know?"

"Yeah, he called a little while ago and Curly talked to him."

Ellie nodded, numbness washing over her.

"Look, he's okay, at least right now. He just wants to hang out with everyone and have a good time. You guys are friends and all, I think he would really like it if you came and hung out for a while," Todd said. "And you seem to be free of Winston's company right now anyway."

There was no way she could say no to that, so she nodded and followed Mitch to the backroom. Several drunken kids happily shouted her name as she walked in, and she smiled nervously. Curly was sitting up on the pool table with a beer and a grin a mile wide as she sat beside him.

"Hey," she said softly. "How are you?"

"Not too bad considering."

Todd stepped in and handed her a beer, and Ellie took it with a weak smile. There was so much going on she couldn't really believe this was a party for a guy who just got himself drafted.

"Where's the big guy?" Curly asked.

She looked up stairs as she tipped the bottle back, not saying anything.

"Ah, passed out again, huh?"

There didn't seem to be any change in Curly's behavior, and she smiled in spite of herself. She wanted to ask him a hundred questions, but the party continued on and Todd and Mitch convinced her to play pool on a team with Curly. It was hours before she was able to leave, and to her surprise, Curly asked her for a ride.

They got into Dally's truck and she started toward home with him in the passenger seat. He was quiet for a while, just sitting there watching the road and letting the breeze wash over him from the open window. She could tell the party high was wearing off of him and every time she glanced over she could see the weight of what was coming drawn on his face. It ate away at her and instead of taking the next turn toward his street, she pulled over by the little park with a fountain. Curly looked at her with questions in his eyes.

"Want to stretch your legs?"

He gave her a little smile that made him look an awful lot like Tim and got out of the car. They walked up past the benches and swing set and stopped to look at the fountain where Johnny had killed Bob Sheldon nearly four years ago. She could never go there without thinking about that, but it didn't mean she had to dwell on it. It was a long time ago.

Curly hopped up and stood on the edge of the fountain and Ellie joined him. They stared at the still, clear water. The pump had already shut off, but the lights were still on. It was so quiet.

"They really cleaned this place up," he said, glancing around before he sat down.

Ellie lowered herself down, one leg tucked under the other. Her shoe kicked at the gravel around the base. She shrugged at his comment, thinking about Johnny again.

"Do you ever think about leaving here?" he asked.

"All the time," she answered, thinking again about New York and Pony's offer.

"I always wanted to get away, and now I have this chance and I'm shaking in my boots."

"Getting drafted is not the same as taking a trip or moving away. Besides, I doubt Vietnam is high on your list of places to visit even if there weren't a war going on."

The wind kicked up and blew sections of newspaper free from a trash can that needed emptied. Curly jumped up and grabbed some of it and raced back over. He laid a piece flat between them and started making folds. She watched him quietly.

"You know, I talked to Tim earlier and he had a point. He said if I got in the right kind of trouble, I could avoid the whole thing. It's not like I didn't see myself stuck in prison for any stretch or nothing. That doesn't scare me."

"You have made a few trips to the reformatory," Ellie quipped. Curly grinned but kept folding without looking up at her.

"Would you think three or four years in prison would be better than a year of service?"

"Yes," she said without a doubt in her mind.

Now he looked up at her, looking surprised by her quick response. "You wouldn't think I was some damn coward?"

To her, it didn't matter. Steve had been hurt in more ways than one, and Ellie would have rather seen him spend time in a prison then be in the kind of danger he ended up in. She wished the same for Sodapop.

"No, I think it would be daring."

There was a half smile there as he pressed down another fold. "But not exactly brave."

"I can't tell you if it's cowardly or not. I just know that I'm sick and tired of seeing guys go off and never come back or come back diminished and hurt. I don't want that to happen to you."

He looked up at her, brushing hair from his face. It had gotten so long.

"Curtis is still over there?"

She nodded.

"I saw Randle the other day out with his old man. He looked wrecked."

Ellie didn't comment on Steve, and imagined how much Vietnam would change Curly if he went and came home. She worried about Soda, too. Would he come home and still be the happy-go-lucky boy he had always been? She couldn't even imagine so she kept the subject on Curly.

"The only question you have to answer is whether or not you can live with the decision you make," she said. "And that's all that really matters."

"That's not bad advice."

"Are you going to take it?"

He puffed out the paper and held it up so she could see. Ellie nodded at his creation and waited on his answer.

"I'll think about it. I have a little time."

She was going to tell him to not wait too long, but he set the folded paper on the water and gave it a little push. It surprised her that Curly had ever sat still long enough to learn how to make a boat out of newspaper. He looked so young right then and she thought about all the years she had known him and was overwhelmed with grief.

"Please don't go over there," she said.

He looked at her seriously for a few seconds before a shit eating grin crossed his lips.

"I knew it! I knew it all along that you had a thing for me."

That made her laugh, and she gave him a playful shove.

"I don't know about that, but I would be awfully sad to see you go."

"Even to prison?"

"Even to prison."

"I thought so." The grin making a second appearance.

"You'll never give up, will you?" she asked with a laugh.

"Even with Dallas in the way I still think I stand a small chance."

Ellie couldn't tell if he was joking or not so she tried to play it off and ignore it. Instead of replying, she pulled off her shoes and rolled up her jeans. She dipped her feet into the cool water of the fountain and made little ripples that pushed the little newspaper boat across to the other side. Curly followed suit.

"So, I can't help but notice that you and him aren't exactly …" He didn't finish the thought but he didn't need to.

Of all things they could talk about, Dallas was not one of them. She could hardly handle the mess that he was without having to explain it to someone else.

"He's been better," was all she said.

He leaned over and pointed at her wrist and Ellie looked down confused. There was the makings of a bruise that wrapped all the way around her arm, and she looked at it trying to remember how it happened. It dawned on her that that was where he grabbed her when he nearly fell down the steps at Buck's. He hadn't meant to do it.

Curly spoke again. "My advice to you is that you can do better than some asshole like him."

There had to be a joke there, and she smiled. "Who? You?"

He shook his head. "I wouldn't hold my breath that you would go out with another Shepard, but someone. I always thought you'd end up with one of those Curtis brothers."

When she just gave him a long look and he continued, "Maybe not Darry, since he's already married and all. Maybe you and Pony are too good of friends, so that leaves Sodapop. And ain't he just so dreamy?"

She felt herself blush a little, but Curly didn't seem to notice and she turned the conversation back to him.

"So, what's it going to be? Armed robbery, grand theft auto, getting caught with drugs?"

"I don't know, but stealing cars sounds like some fun. I'm pretty good at hotwiring them," he said with a grin.

"I don't doubt that."

He splashed her playfully. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't act like you didn't love being called a JD. Besides, can't everyone in this neighborhood hotwire a car?"

He raised his eyebrows in question and Ellie shrugged. "Even me. Mark Jennings showed me and Pony how to once."

They sat there a while longer until Curly decided he was ready to go home. Once Ellie pulled the truck to a stop in front of his house, he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Take care, kid," he said.

She watched him as he walked across his yard with his shoulders slumped. Before he shut the front door, he waved at her and she waved back. As she drove home, she wiped away tears and hoped like hell he decided to become a felon instead of a soldier.

Ellie turned off the truck in front of her house and sat there for a few moments before she got out. Halfway across the lawn she looked over and saw Steve sitting outside like he did most nights since he had been home. He waved and she walked over and sat beside him on the porch steps. There was a litter of beer bottles behind him, but he seemed content.

"Kind of late," he said.

She had no idea what time it was and only shrugged. Steve offered her an unopened beer and she passed on it.

"Curly got drafted," she told him.

Steve was silent for a long time, and she glanced at him. His face was stony and his eyes far away. Ellie wanted to say something, to do something, anything that would help, but there was nothing to be said or done.

Finally, Steve said, "Poor dumb kid."

"Tim told him to get arrested and go to jail," she said, cautiously.

His face twitched and he took a drink. "That's about the smartest thing Tim's ever said."

"You don't think that's a bad thing to do?"

"I wish Soda had done it."

That hit her like a ton of bricks, and she rested her head in her hands. Soda's service was almost up, but every day was like a century's worth of worry. Steve put his arm around her shoulder and she looked at him again.

"I wrote to him, told him I was home," he said. "Darry doesn't know, but I couldn't keep it from Soda. I figured he would find out anyway."

"He's ok? I mean, he usually writes to me and says he's fine, but I can't imagine he really is. I can't imagine him there and doing all the things he has to do," she said. "The things I know you had to do."

"He's says he's fine," Steve said. "It's different when you're there, though. You know that nothing is ok, but you handle it. You do what you're supposed to do. You don't realize how fucked up you are until you get home. If you do."

A massive lump formed in her throat just thinking about the possibility. Steve barely made it home and sometimes she wondered if he would ever fully be home. The look on his face was dark and distant, and she felt tears prick in her eyes again. She blinked them back but Steve noticed even in the dim light.

"Sorry. Look, Soda is doing just fine and he's going to be ok."

It was an empty promise, but it was a hope to hold on to. Sodapop wouldn't accept anything less than the most optimistic of thoughts and she was really trying. It was hard to ignore the reality, though.

"I love you, Steve. I've never known what to do without you."

"Love you, too, kid," he said.

For a long time they sat like that, just quiet and brooding together. Ellie couldn't shut off the worry in her heart, but Steve's presence calmed her down.

 _Raise your rifles to the sky, boys,  
Fire that volley loud._


	15. Believe or Fall Apart

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders_** **and Pink owns "Whatever You Want."**

 _I feel like our ship is going down tonight,  
But it's always darkest before the light._

 **July 2, 1970**

The sound of an engine revving obnoxiously jolted him awake. He eyed the open window and the sunlight streaming in as he rolled over to his back. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Dally was suddenly aware that the other half of the bed was empty. She had been there when he fell asleep, and he remembered that he hadn't given her many reasons to stay. It was his fault, but he was still annoyed.

He had to drag himself from the bed but quickly dressed and went downstairs. The place was a wreck from the night before and Buck was roaming around collecting bottles and glasses. When he caught sight of Dally, he made some comment about him sleeping half the day away. He shrugged and sat down at the bar, smoking a cigarette as he listened to a country song on the radio instead of Buck's bitching. When he went into the back room, Dally leaned over the bar and filled a glass from the tap.

By the time Buck came back around, the glass was half empty and he glowered at Dallas. It was no nevermind to him, so he just downed the rest of it and sat there smugly as he lit up another cigarette.

"You know, if you weren't such a miserable drunk, your girlfriend probably would have stayed the night instead of going home the Shepard kid."

Dally froze and looked at Buck like he was an idiot.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Snatching the glass from the bar, Buck said, "After she put your drunk ass to bed, she came back down here and partied with those guys before she went home with Curly. The kid got drafted so maybe she felt sorry for him."

It took everything in his being to not knock Buck's lights out. Instead he got up, knocking the barstool to the floor and headed for the steps.

"I got work for you this afternoon! Don't go too far."

Even though he wouldn't have seen it, Dally flipped him off.

XXX

By the time Ellie woke up the next morning, it was already late. She had stayed up with Steve for hours after she got home, and they both finally decided to get some sleep just before the sun came up. Steve made her feel better about Curly and Soda, but she still woke up with her stomach twisted in knots. There was nothing she could do but worry, so she forced herself out of bed and started getting ready for work.

As she fixed herself a quick breakfast in the quiet house, Ellie noticed the stack of mail on the kitchen table. She thumbed through it and found a postcard from Pony. She glanced at the picture of Central Park before flipping it over.

 _Someone told me there is a zoo and a castle in the park. Definitely things we need to check out._

With a wistful smile, she turned it back over and looked at the swath of green amidst the gray skyscrapers. She had never seen a castle before. As she looked at it and ran through all the reasons in her mind she wanted to go, and then she remembered the one huge reason she knew she couldn't. She also remembered that she still had his truck and if he had to work for Buck, she wasn't going to have time to get it to him before she had to be at work.

She reached for the phone and called Buck's place. It rang and rang while she kept studying the postcard. Buck finally picked up the line.

"Is Dally there?"

"No, he's up with the horses," he said, his drawling tone dragging out his sentence.

 _Shit_ , she thought. "Thanks, Buck."

She hung up the phone, fretting over what kind of mood he had to be in having to borrow Buck's car. Rubbing her temples, she hoped he wasn't in too bad of a mood, even though she well enough knew she left him in one before he fell asleep. There wasn't anything she could do about it right then, so she headed out for work.

Steve was outside smoking a cigarette. "Come over when you get off," he called across the lawns. "Two-Bit's coming by."

"See you later," she called back as she got into the truck and headed off.

XXX

When he was in view of her house, he could hear her laugh echo down the street. He caught sight of her a few houses down with Steve and Two-Bit. Grumbling to himself, he did what he could to bury his annoyance and trudged over.

Two-Bit saw him first and waved. "Hey Dallas!"

Steve just nodded and Ellie stood up and met him. She smiled and leaned up to kiss him. Dallas obliged but quickly pushed her back. He caught the confused look but pretended he didn't notice. He sat down on the grass and she sat down beside him.

"What's going on?" Dallas asked.

"Nothing, man, just hanging out," Two-Bit said. He pulled a beer from the half-empty six pack and handed it to him. Dallas accepted it and turned to Ellie.

"Where were you all day?" he asked, momentarily proud of himself that he kept his tone cool.

"I had to work," she said. "I'm sorry I didn't get the truck to you. I woke up really late."

Dallas took a long drink, trying to swallow his anger. "It's cool."

"She was working like the good contributor to our society that she is," Two-Bit added with a stupid grin on his face. "Which lends to the question: what were you doing all day, Dal?"

He was taking a drink of his beer when Ellie replied, "He was working too."

"You got a job, Dal?" Steve asked.

"Doin' some work for Buck," he replied, shortly.

"Riding again?"

"Shit no," Two-Bit cut in with a laugh. "Buck's not completely stupid."

Dally leveled his gaze at Two-Bit. "It ain't gonna be long."

"So what're you doing at Buck's?" Steve asked. "Barmaid?"

Two-Bit let out a hoot and Dally wanted to sock him in the face.

"He's taking care of the horses," Ellie said. She turned her attention to Dallas. "He knows you take good care of them. He'll have you riding before you know it."

It has been almost a year of cleaning horse shit, and Buck wasn't close to budging.. Dally took another gulp of beer, thinking about that bottle of bourbon he had stashed in his glove compartment.

"So, what, you're cleaning stalls all day?"

"That's right, Steve," Two-Bit said, "Dally's ankle deep in horse shit most days."

"Hey," Ellie cut in. "He works hard with those horses. Don't make fun."

It pissed him off that she had to sit there and defend him. He looked at her and wondered why she trashed his job last night and was sticking up for him now. He knew if he opened his mouth, it would all be over.

"I'm not making fun," Two-Bit said. "Honest, I think it's admirable. I'm sure you and those horses get along just fine."

"When you act like a horse's ass, there's no better place to be than a barn," Steve said. "Ain't that right, Dal?"

Two-Bit laughed at the joke, but Dally sat there seething. Ellie touched his arm, to calm him the same way he'd calm one of those damn horses they wanted to joke about and he pulled away from her.

"Cut it out, guys," Ellie said. "What's wrong with him helping Buck out?"

Steve held up his hands in surrender. "Nothing."

The conversation continued on to something else and he contributed almost nothing toward it. He sat there smoking and drinking Steve's beer as he listened to them and waited for an opportunity to leave, hoping he could get Ellie to leave with him.

It happened slowly, but everything wound up exactly the same. Two-Bit made another joke that had Steve and Ellie rolling with laughter, but Dallas didn't react. When they calmed down he looked at her and she had a pleading look on her face.

"Lighten up, Dal," Two-Bit said. "Maybe if Buck won't let you ride again, he'll get you a job as one of those rodeo clowns. Then we can just paint a big ol' smile on your face then."

Dally just shrugged him off and drained the beer bottle. He tossed it into the grass and glanced at Ellie. He knew he needed to just get up and walk away, but he also knew the only thing he could do in that instance was fuck things up entirely.

"You wanna talk about clowns?" Dally asked. "Ask Ellie about going home with Curly fucking Shepard last night."

She was mid-sip, and her whole body tensed up and she lowered her beer. The other two went silent and she looked at him with her shoulders squared.

"I didn't go home with him, I took him home," she said.

"Same fucking difference," Dallas shot back.

He could tell she was trying to keep her cool and not shout at him, and all it did was cause him to really start to lose his. Deep down, he was screaming at himself to just let it go, but he never listened to himself.

"He got drafted, man," Two-Bit interjected.

Dallas looked at him hotly, wondering why that made any fucking difference in the world to this conversation and looked back at her. Her shoulders weren't so squared anymore and she looked small.

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" he asked, sick of her constant worry about Steve's well-being and whether or not Sodapop was going to make it home or not. The last thing he needed was for her to go on and on about a Shepard.

"If you gave a shit about anyone but yourself, it might count for something," Steve said.

The floodgates were opening and Dallas took his shot back at Steve. "At least Curly ain't dumb enough to sign up for that shit on his own."

Before Steve could even open his mouth, Ellie jumped to her feet and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him up with her. She got close to his face and firmly said, "Let's go."

She shoved him toward the truck and Dallas couldn't stop himself. "And what is it with you and the fucking Shepards?"

"Nothing," she said, but she walked by him and hurried to the truck parked on the street. She opened the passenger door and fished the keys from the glove box. She stood on the curb waiting on him.

"As if it wasn't bad enough you fucked around with Tim, now you're going after the miniature one?"

"I'm not -" she started, but her eyes went wide and Dallas felt one hand on his back shove him forward.

Spinning around, Dally swung a punch at Steve, but missed. Steve was light on his feet and lunged forward, one arm swinging hard enough to actually hit Dally in the side. Before Dally could really unload, Two-Bit was quickly between them, pulling Steve away. Ellie grabbed his arm, her fingernails digging in painfully as she pulled him back.

"Cool it, guys," Two-Bit said, his tone deep and serious. "That's enough."

Steve was glaring at him. "At least I didn't run away from everything."

Dally shook his arm free of Ellie's grasp and Two-Bit put himself between him and Steve again. Dallas looked at him and backed off. Ellie's hand wrapped around his arm.

"Come on," she said. "Now."

Turning away from Steve and Two-Bit, Dally glared at her and noticed she dropped the keys into the grass. He scooped them up and went around to the driver's side and waited on her. Ellie stood there looking at him and then back at the others. Cursing loud enough for all of them to hear, Dally got into the truck and slammed the door, started the engine, and waited.

"You're going with him?" he heard Steve say, his voice hard.

Over the running engine he didn't hear her response, but she climbed into the truck. Steve was holding the door open and looking between them, Two-Bit close beside him.

"It's fine, Steve. I'll see you later."

They were staring at each other, having some silent conversation between them before Steve finally let go of the door and slammed it shut. Dally didn't even wait to make sure they were clear and peeled out onto the street, leaving them behind. She was watching them in the side mirror and Dally glanced back once to see them both watching his tail lights.

When they hit the edge of town, he really laid on the gas, the needle creeping up higher and higher. She sat there with her chin in her hand, staring out the window before she finally said something.

"What the hell was that about?"

"What the hell did you do with Curly Shepard last night?"

She sighed so loudly that he scowled at her. "I had some drinks and then I drove him home. Nothing happened."

"What, he didn't try to get into your pants one last time before he ships out?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. The hurt on her face resonated and he didn't dare look back at her. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut?

"Why are you acting like this?"

Dally still couldn't shut off his rage.

"Like what? How would you fucking like me to be acting?" She started to say something, but he cut her off. "What? Do you want me to act like Shepard? Like Sodapop? Steve? How about the goddamn boyfriend? Is that what you want?"

She was so quiet sitting in that seat that he took his eyes off the road and glanced at her. There was something so irritating about her when she was so silent. She was like this when he first came home, when she kept putting the distance between them. It took her a long time to respond and when she finally did, he wished she had stayed silent.

"I want you. I've always wanted you, but not this version of you."

It sounded like she was breaking up with him and he slammed on the brakes in the middle of the dark, country road. She braced herself on the dash, but he still threw his arm out in front of her to stop her from flying out of her seat.

"What the fuck are you saying?" he asked, feeling panic blossom in his chest.

Her eyes were huge and she opened her mouth, but nothing came out at first. The only sound he could hear was the idling engine and a buzzing in his head.

Finally, she said, "I can't just cut everyone out of my life because they remind you of Johnny. It can't always just be me and you."

Dally relaxed a little that the first words out of her mouth weren't about kicking him to the curb, but the comment about Johnny had him biting his tongue.

"Johnny, man. Jesus, maybe some of it has to with Steve being a fucking asshole? That's certainly never changed," he said, hitting the steering wheel.

She rubbed her eyes, and turned in her seat, looking at him head on.

"I'll talk to him ok? I know he was being a jerk and he should have put a lid on it. I'm sorry. But let's talk about how you blame me and yell at me for sneaking off with Wade and running off with Curly, but none of it's true. I wouldn't ever do that you. You're jumping to conclusions and it's killing us, Dally. I want you to be a part of my life, but my life involves more than just you. You have to decide if you want to be here. If you want to be with me."

The buzzing in his head was just getting louder and he all he could think of was Steve and Darry and every other person who had anything to say against him being with her. The only thing he wanted in life was her, but everyone else she cared about proved to be an obstacle that he was not equipped to deal with.

"They'll all come around if you would just settle down," she said, as though she were reading his thoughts. "You all used to be friends."

That seemed hopeless and he let go of the brake and hit the gas and continued toward Buck's.

"They already made up their minds."

Even though she didn't say anything for the rest of the drive, he could practically hear her thoughts. There was the one about how she already told him he wasn't allowed to push her about Tim and Wade, probably one where she wanted him to talk about Johnny, and of course where she thought it would be a good idea for him to go back and live with his uncle for awhile.

It surprised the hell out of him when she reached over and took his hand when the roadhouse was in view. Dally gave it a little squeeze.

"I don't have to work tomorrow," she said. "I'm yours all day. Whatever you want to do."

Dallas held on to her hand for dear life.

 _And that's enough for me to try,  
Whatever you want,_

 _Whatever you need,  
Whatever you do,_


	16. We Lie and Lie

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns "The Outsiders" and Pink owns "Where We Go."**

 _Got a hole in my head and my heart tonight,  
Well, you shot me down, you just ain't right._

 **July 4, 1970**

Bottle rockets and firecrackers kept popping right outside the window where a group of kids and cowboys were setting them off along with sparklers and roman candles. It was still daylight, but evening was coming on quickly, and Ellie was getting antsy. She spent all of yesterday with him like she promised. They started their day at the barn and ended it at the drive-in. Things had been quiet between them, strained, but he was civil and decent because it was just the two of them.

She reminded him again that she was going back into town to watch fireworks. It was at least the fifth reminder she had given him, and it was the fifth time he barely acknowledged her. He sat on the bed with a beer and she tried to get him interested in leaving. It was an impossible feat.

"Will you come?" she asked, truly stuck between wanting him there not. It was the leaving him alone that made her nervous.

"Why bother? Buck's got a bunch of fireworks he's setting off here. We can go up to the roof and watch."

"I already told you that my mom isn't going and I need to pick up Danny. The guys have a spot saved and we were supposed to be there a half hour ago," she said, keeping her tone as neutral as she could.

"We? Who's we?"

He stood up and set the bottle down, crossing the room toward her.

She sighed. "We, as in you and me."

"Oh," he said, as he set his hands on her hips. " _We_ should just stay here."

Leaning in, he kissed her jaw and moved down her neck. He started gathering handfuls of her sundress in his hands, spinning them both around and leading her toward the bed. Ellie pushed him off and he pushed her back, sending her bouncing on the mattress. When she went to stand, he kneeled over her, forcing her flat against the bed, hands on her thighs, lips on hers.

"Stop it!" she demanded him, trying to push him back again, but he kept her pinned beneath him. Anger and panic started welling up inside her and she yelled again for him to stop. She planted her hands on his chest and shoved with all her might. Just as that panic was about to boil over, he rolled off and she quickly sat up, straightening her dress and ignoring the disgusted look on his face.

"So, you're going then?"

The sharpness in his voice made her look at him. She felt everything go out of her, and she felt weak. He glared at her and she wondered if it would always be this way.

In a voice that was calm and quiet and completely devoid of the dread that was still simmering inside, she said, "I already told you I was."

Crossing to the dresser, she picked up his keys and looked at him again. "Are you coming?"

"Fuck no," he said, standing up quickly. Under that glower, she instinctively braced herself, but he went to the door and opened it and stopped. "Go hang out with all of your boyfriends."

"Why do you do this?"

They both just stared at each other, and Ellie felt so lost under that icy glare that she had no idea what to do. After a minute, he shook his head and disappeared down the hallway. Ellie followed and found him sitting at the bar alone.

When she stopped by him, he waved her off. "Have a good fucking time."

She drove all the way home in tears.

XXX

Beer wouldn't do it tonight, and Dallas reached over the bar for a fresh bottle of Wild Turkey before he headed upstairs. At the end of the hall, he turned the corner and carefully climbed the iron ladder that lead to the roof access. He pushed the door open one handed and was blinded by the fading sunlight for a brief second, almost losing his footing. He recovered quickly and scrambled up on the roof. Stones crunched under his feet as he walked to the edge and looked down as someone set off another roman candle. He watched the bright sparks fly until it was burned out. He moved back a ways and took a seat. He opened the bottle and took a long drink. It would have been nice if she had wanted to watch the fireworks. He really thought she would have liked it up there. The view wasn't anything to brag about, but it was something different and he had it in his head the two of them could've sat up there even after the fireworks. It seemed like something she would like. He shook his head, thinking about what a stupid idea it was, and took another drink.

As it got darker, he thought more and more about her. The reasonable part of him knew she wasn't going to meet Wade or Curly, but the unreasonable part of him couldn't let it go. It didn't even matter about those guys because he knew for a fact the ones who would be there: Steve. Two-Bit. Darry.

No matter how many times she tried to convince him otherwise, Dallas knew there wasn't any mending those old friendships, too much time had gone by and there was too much bad blood. They didn't like him with her, and they never had.

Between the guys and the old boyfriend, he felt her slipping through his fingers. Even though she told him over and over that she chose him, that she loved him, and she went out of her way to prove it, he couldn't accept it. He knew that he would never be enough for her. The only thing he was good at was ruining a good thing. For some reason, it was easier to tear it apart himself than wait on her to decide it was enough. What was it he told Pony once before? Get tough, and nothing can touch you. So much from that night felt hazy, but he remembered telling that to the kid.

But Dallas didn't know if he was tough enough to bear losing her, and he certainly didn't know how to keep her. If he didn't ruin it, either purposefully or by just being his miserable self, she wouldn't stick around. Once upon a time, she had found better than him. It was only a matter of time before she found another guy that was everything he couldn't be.

Getting drunk was the best way to not think about it, so he did.

XXX

Dusk was settling on the horizon and the sky was lit up in orange and yellows. Ellie thought about Johnny and the poem Pony had recited when they were at the church, but her thoughts were interrupted when Steve sat down beside her.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"They aren't worth that much," she told him, blandly.

"Shit, I'd hate to know what mine are worth then."

She smiled in spite of herself, and looked at him. Steve seemed to always carry the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore. It was nice to hear him make a joke.

"So, no Dallas?"

Ellie had to bite her tongue, but she couldn't for long. "Why did you have to pick on him so much the other night? You knew it would get to him."

It took everything she had to not punch him in the arm when he rolled his eyes. To his credit, he didn't say anything.

"He's really struggling and he's trying his best right now, ok?"

"He's a wreck."

"And that's my problem, not yours."

His eyes lit up hot. "Jesus, I thought you would have known better than to make someone else's fucked up problems your concern."

Every time he brought up ancient history, she couldn't look at him. Dallas' problems weren't Tim Shepard's problems, and she liked to think that maybe she wasn't the same dumb kid she was back then. She hated that he would bring up what Tim did to her and use it to make a point about her behavior. Even though she didn't think he meant it to be mean, it still stung. Dallas was only picking fights with her; he had never hurt her.

"You know you're not obligated to be with him, right? Just because you waited damn near forever doesn't mean it has to be forever."

Ellie watched Danny and Lizzie chase Two-Bit as he waved a sparkler while she organized her thoughts.

"I want to be," she told him. "Things were so good for a while."

"I know they _were_ , but they're not now, are they?"

Dallas always had his moments. Getting drunk, getting into fights, and getting in trouble with the law were things he alway did, but for some reason, these things felt different when he did them now. Maybe it was because he kept getting so mad at her when she had no idea why or maybe it was because she was scared to death lately that every time she left him behind, it might be the last she ever saw of him. And it wasn't always the worry that he would just skip town again.

When she didn't answer him, Steve said, "I guess not, huh?"

Carefully, Ellie chose her words. "It's just different now. Things were really great until Wade showed up at my graduation party."

"And now he's a jealous asshole?"

It felt like so much more than that. He was acting out and keeping everything else to himself. Months ago, he apologized to her for getting into a fight, acknowledging that he had screwed up, but he never apologized for breaking the window. He didn't open up at all, and she felt like she was holding everything together with wet tape.

"Let me put it this way," he said, sitting up and looking at her head on. "You find spectacular ways to get into situations you can't find a way out of for some reason. You have a bad habit of doing things because you think you need to, even when you don't have to, like thinking you need to check up on people who are better left off alone. It's gotten you in trouble before."

Once again, he was talking about Tim and she had to swallow past the lump in her throat. Steve let that stand for a moment and Ellie thought about the others times she put herself into bad situations that Steve didn't know about. She felt tears prick behind her eyes because she didn't want to consider Dallas as one of those situations.

"Look, I know you love him, but are you actually in love with him?"

That question hit her like a ton of bricks. Of course she loved him. She was tired, but she loved him. She remembered the first time she realized she did and the moment her heart shattered when she thought he died under the street lights. She could taste the happiness she felt when she saw him again on prom night. Ellie loved Dallas more than she could bear.

One bright, sparkling trail rose into the sky and exploded into a gold star burst. Ellie watched it through tear brimmed eyes and quickly swallowed them back as Danny ran at her full force and crashed into her lap. Everyone else ran back and sat on the blankets spread out around them. Two-Bit winked at her and she caught the quick look of concern in Darry's eyes. Steve touched her arm, stealing her attention.

Leaning in, he whispered in her ear, "If you really do, then I'll be happy for you, but you don't owe him anything if you don't. It's not up to you to give up everything to keep him in one piece. He's got to figure out his shit himself, and you've got to live your own life."

Resting her chin on Danny's head, she looked at Steve for a long time with her heart beating louder in her ears than the booms from the fireworks. Who was she without Dallas?

XXX

It was after midnight when she made it back to the roadhouse. She debated with herself for hours, tossing Steve's conversation around in her head until she felt numb, but she knew she loved Dally desperately. She loved him so much she felt terrible for leaving him alone when she knew he wasn't dealing well with being lonely. So she made the long drive back and went in with the intention of getting things back on track. She hoped he was still awake, but when she opened the door, she was hit with an acrid smell of vomit. Quickly, she pushed the door open all the way and saw him lying on the floor in puddle of his own puke.

She knelt by his side, calling his name over and over, trying to shake him awake. Suddenly, she wasn't even sure was alive and she nearly went into hysterics. Tears welled in her eyes and closed her throat to a pinhole as she shook him again. With a shaking hand, she cupped it just over his mouth and nose, feeling for a sign he was still alive. Warm breath filled her palm and she whimpered in relief.

Carefully, she rolled him onto his side and tried to wake him up, but only got his eyes open for a half a second before he closed them again. Getting to her feet, she drug him away from the puddle and forced a pillow under his head, careful to keep him on his side. She wiped away tears and left the room to find something to clean it up with. As she wiped and sponged up vomit, she fought back more tears, this time mixed with equal parts anger and pure fear.

When she finished cleaning him and the floor, she sat cross legged and cradled his head in her lap. Gently, she ran her fingers through his hair as if she could massage away the demons and free him somehow. She would do anything to go back three years and save Johnny because it would save him, too.

For a long time, she sat there and held him, trying to come up with ways to help him without losing him. She once again thought about the Lane's place in Windrixville, but she knew better than to suggest it. New York also crossed her mind, but he had found so much trouble there as a kid, she just couldn't imagine things being any different now. She knew any suggestion she were to make was just bound to set him off and make a bad situation worse.

Ellie finally got up and laid in the bed alone. She stared at the ceiling, her mind racing. Unable to shut off her thoughts, she reached into her purse and dug out a small spiral notebook and pen. Sitting up, she started a letter to Soda and poured her thoughts and feelings onto the page like she always could with him. She wrote and wrote until she couldn't hold her head up any longer and fell asleep just before the sun came up.

 _Comes a time when you know you must let go,  
_ _I know, I know,  
We fixed it, but it's broken._


	17. It Might Just Save You

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders_** **and Little Hurricane owns "Upside of Down."**

 _Can't sit around waiting for your own fate_  
 _If you were up all night with a tormented soul_  
 _You won't last until you're old_

 **July 5, 1970**

Bright light caused him pain even though he had yet to open his eyes. He turned over and sat up quickly because of the shooting pain in his hip. It travelled up and he moaned as he felt spasms of throbbing pain behind his eyes. His mouth and throat were parched nearly raw, and he groaned again in agony, holding his head until he felt like he could move without puking. When he finally did move, he realized for the first time that he was on the floor. There was a pillow and a blanket that was still half thrown over him, and he raised his eyes to the bed and saw the lump under the covers.

"Shit," he mumbled to himself. Ellie had come back last night.

Gingerly, he made it to his feet and sat on the edge of the bed and looked her over. She slept deeply, her breathing even, and she still crowded on her half of the bed leaving the space for him. Christ, he felt like shit. Between his body punishing him for the drinking and sleeping on the floor, he felt worse knowing she had clearly found him like that.

Reaching out to touch her, he stopped short when he noticed the spiral bound notebook tucked halfway under the pillow. A pen lay close by as if she fell asleep while writing. Curiosity got the better of him, and he pulled the notebook free and stared at the page, struggling to get his eyes to focus.

His and Pony's names jumped from the page. He saw a gaggle of other words he had trouble stringing together with the monster headache brewing in his temples, but he recognized what it was, and he flipped to the first page. It was a letter to Soda. Looking over at her again, he saw she hadn't moved and he couldn't stand to leave it alone. Settling back to the floor, he leaned his back and head against the bed and read.

 _Dear Sodapop,_

 _It's so late here and I can't sleep again. I'd like to say it's because it's the Fourth of July and I'm in a great mood because of a great night, but it's the opposite. I can't believe that I'm sitting here writing you another letter troubling you with all the things in my life I can't seem to stay away from, but here we are. Maybe it's just that you're a great pen pal and a great friend. It's kind of hard to talk to anyone here sometimes because everyone seems to have made up their minds … and maybe I'm still trying to make up my own. I'm always stuck and tonight's no different._

 _Things with Dallas are complicated as they always seem to be. I'm so scared for him and I don't know how to help him. He drinks himself stupid on most days lately, he's short with me, he gets angry with me at the drop of a hat, and no matter what I say or do, he won't snap out of it. He doesn't want hardly anything to do with our friends, so I try and keep him away from them anymore, but I always invite him._

He skimmed through her recap of their last few days, including him breaking the window at the little store and the fight with Steve. God, he sounded like such an asshole.

 _I feel so stuck anymore. I love him, but I just wonder how much a girl can take. I feel like I'm sacrificing everything to stay with him, even though I really have no idea what I want do anyway. It's just that I don't feel like I can make any sort of plan that would take me away from him. I think about Pony's offer to go to New York all the time. I don't know what problems it would solve, but I always think back to what you wrote to me about seeing the world and how good it could be. I think so, too._

Dallas froze and went light headed at the mention of New York and looked over at her as she slept. New York? She never said a word about it, and he sneered at the thought of her going. Jesus, she was actually thinking about leaving.

 _I thought about asking him, thinking that maybe a change of scenery would do him good. You know he lived there for a while, and as far as I know his mom still lives there. I just think he needs to get the hell out of Tulsa. When I saw him on his uncle's farm in Windrixville, he was such a different person. I just want to see him that calm and content again. There are too many bad memories and he's been gone for so long. I think about New York but I stop because when I bring up Windrixville, he loses all patience with me. He was pissed at me for days over it and I don't understand why. I also don't know if it would be fair to Pony to bring him along._

 _The problem is that I'm terrified to leave him alone - a night, a day - I can't leave for another city and leave him here by himself. One day he's just going to be gone and it's going to be my fault. I don't know if he would have anyone if he didn't have me._

 _When things are good, they are so, so good, but when they're bad, it's all I can do to keep this going. I can't keep up with him. I can't help him because he won't let me. And I don't even know if I can do anything to make him happy. He needs so much and I don't know how much more I have to give, but ..._

The letter ended there. Dally sat staring at the wall and contemplating everything he just read and feeling more and more like shit. He knew he was a lot to handle, everyone told him that, but it was a lot worse to read it through her unfiltered thoughts. Standing up, he set the notebook back on the bed where he found it and looked at her again, but he saw her differently. She didn't look restful at all and even in her sleep her lips were stuck in a frown. He had blacked out last night and only remembered how pissed he was that she was leaving. But she came back. That was something, but it wasn't enough. If she was thinking about leaving, he had to shape up and make her stay. It didn't cross his mind to go with her or take them somewhere else. Dallas didn't know how to make plans like that.

Lying down beside her, he stared at her until he fell asleep again.

XXX

For the better part of an hour, he sat on the front stoop waiting on her to get home from work. He should have picked her up, but he needed more time to think about what he wanted to do. When she had finally woken up, she hadn't said much; she just looked exhausted. He drove her to work in silence, and she left him with a half-hearted kiss on the cheek. As he watched her walk into the grocery store, he started thinking all over again. Everything she wrote in that letter lit a fire under his ass to find a way to prove to her he wasn't as goddamn fragile as she clearly thought he was.

So, the whole day he drove around aimlessly, his moods swinging from enraged to dismal as he fought a war within himself. He knew he had to do things differently, but he really didn't know how. He wasn't any different than he had always been. That used to be enough for her, but she had changed. That rich kid had swooped in and done things for her that Dally could never do and it left him finally realizing that he might never be enough for her. Probably never enough for anyone. He knew she loved him. Now he had to do something that proved he loved her.

Her parents weren't home and up the street a little ways, Steve's house was thankfully dark. The sky was turning dark and the street lights turned on as she came walking up the street. She looked confused as she crossed the lawn, stopping where the toes of her shoes just barely touched his.

"Hey," she said, her keys jingling between her fingers. "How long have you been here?"

"Not long."

She walked by him and unlocked the door, letting them in.

He followed her down the hallway to her bedroom and stood in the middle of the room as she sat heavily on the bed. The lamplight cast a soft glow across the room, and she looked at him tiredly. Nervously, he shifted his weight and rubbed his sweaty palms together. He had one plan and it was the best he could come up with.

"Where is everyone?"

She pulled off her shoes and tossed them into the corner. "At Jimmy's mom's house for dinner."

"Oh."

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"I was thinking," he started, looking her in the eye and deciding to just get it all out. "We should get married."

Her eyes went as wide as saucers, and her mouth fell open. Dallas felt like all of the oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the room as he waited on her response. The air was thick with a stunned silence as he watched her mouth twitch. Jesus, this was a bad idea.

As the seconds ticked by, he saw the bewilderment grow in her eyes.

Slowly, she seemed to find the words she was looking for. "What would make you think it's a good idea for us to get married right now?"

A slow, angry burn started inside of him, and he couldn't help it when he lashed out at her.

"So, that's a no? That was real fucking quick."

The look on her face was a mix of disappointment and frustration. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked him in the eye. "Of course it's a no. Dallas, what do you expect right now? Where would we live?'

"We'll get a place."

"With what money? You don't have a steady job and I don't make enough to support us."

"I'll get a fucking job," he bellowed.

Her eyes darkened, and she looked away, shaking her head.

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?"

It was too easy to just flip things around and blame her for everything. She wasn't even trying. As he spoke, he wanted to kick his own ass. He had no filter and he didn't know how to stop himself.

"Since you're so fucking keen on tearing everything apart, yeah, I've got the answers."

Why was he yelling at her? He needed to pull himself back and talk to her, but he was so pissed because he thought maybe this was something she wanted. Obviously he couldn't have been more wrong. He was pushing it because he knew he was losing her.

"Fine," she said, confusion painted on her face. "We get married, you get a job, and we get an apartment. Then what?"

She was still sitting on the bed, looking at him so intently he thought she might be looking right through him. Her lip twisted into a bitter, sideways smile and he lost whatever thought he had.

"And then we start having babies?" she answered for him, her voice harsh yet hollow.

A shudder traveled up his spine and he turned on his heel, looking away from her. When he looked back, she was rubbing her temples and quickly got to her feet, disappearing down the hallway. Slowly, he followed her wondering what the fuck he had done. He found her standing at the kitchen sink, guzzling a glass of water. He spoke to her back.

"I thought you wanted something like this," he said, feeling the familiar anger bubble up in his chest again.

She turned around. "The last thing we need right now is to get married. We have no plans, no money, and all we do is fight."

He bit his tongue and she continued.

"You're always drunk, and we can't even talk about anything because you fly off the handle when I bring up anything you don't want to talk about."

"Talk about what? What do you fucking want to hear from me?"

"About what happened after Johnny died, why you ran away, I don't know, anything. Pick a topic."

Leaning forward, he gripped the back of a chair until his knuckles ached. It killed him how she could never let things go.

"You want to talk about Johnny, right now?"

She came forward and stood across the table from him. "Not now, but sometime you're going to have to. You run from every problem, Dally. It can't always be like that if you want anything to ever work out."

"Jesus Christ, Ellie, what do you want to me to say? Johnny's dead and it's all my fucking fault? Is that you want to hear?"

The chair was pulled out from the table, and he shoved it in so hard it pushed the table back a few inches, causing her to step back. When he looked up, her arms were crossed and she had a hard look in her eyes.

"What about the part where you tried to kill yourself?"

He wanted to flip the table over, but he reined himself in.

"And when you disappeared on me?"

With both fists clenched, he slammed them down on the table and tried to breathe. He stared at his hands and heard her move around the table. A gentle hand pulled on his arm and he relented, standing up and letting her turn him around. One hand touched his side and her other hand touched his cheek, beckoning him to look at her.

"I'm terrified you're going to disappear on me again," she said, her eyes wide.

"I'm here right now. I'm not going anywhere."

But as her hand trailed up his side and rested where he had been shot, he knew she didn't believe it. Just like always, he removed her hand and she took a step back.

"We can do it, Dollface," he said, desperately holding onto that belief because it was the last thing he had to hold on to.

"No, we can't," she said, a hitch in her voice.

White hot rage filled him and he backed away. He pointed a finger at her and in a vicious tone he couldn't control he said, "So you're going to New York then?"

There was a second of hesitation and a look of confusion in her eyes before she stammered out a response. She must have realized how he knew because she didn't bother to ask.

"I never said I was going to go."

"You never shut up about me going places, but you're over here making plans to leave," he said. "What the fuck would you even do in New York anyway?"

Her mouth set in a firm line, and then she just looked sad and disappointed. She didn't answer and Dallas did what he did best: he tore her down because he was already ripped to shreds inside.

"That place will eat you alive. You'll beg to come home and you know what? Maybe I won't be here no more."

He meant it as a threat. He meant to make her question everything and dangle himself over her head. If she was so damn worried about it, he would show her what it would take to make him leave again.

Instant regret filled him when her eyes narrowed and tears spilled over her cheeks. She quickly looked away, hurrying back down the hallway, and he chased after her. She tried to slam the bedroom door in his face, but he caught it and slammed it back against the wall.

"Fine, maybe not New York, so you're looking to get back with the boyfriend?"

He was so angry, he couldn't think straight. He was angry she turned him down. He was livid that she was digging up the past and accusing him of wanting to leave when she was the one planning to fly the coop.

She stomped her foot and threw her hands up in the air and yelled at him. "Leave Wade out of this! I don't know how many times I have to tell you that it's over and I chose you. It's you Dallas. it's always about you."

He could only imagine all the good things that boy had done for her because she was still happy to see him when he came around. All he was good at was making her cry and scream and yell, but he still couldn't let it go.

"Would you have still have gone with me?" he asked, imaging that night with her in her prom dress.

"I did go with you," she snapped.

"I'm fucking asking if you still would have gone," he hissed, his words hot and deliberate. "Would you?"

She hesitated, her mouth opened and closed again. "Yes."

It was a lie and he couldn't bear it. He turned around because if he was any closer to her he was afraid he might do something he regretted. Balling up his fist, he punched the wall, his hand breaking through the plaster and leaving a gaping hole. Pulling it back through, he didn't look at her before he left the room. He slammed the front door behind him and, without looking back, he climbed into his truck and drove away as fast as he could.

XXX

When he left, Ellie stood in the same spot for a long time, staring at the hole in her bedroom wall. It felt like a fist sized hole in plaster summed up their entire relationship. The wall looked solid, but it was easily broken with just a little force and a lot of stored up anger. He was so angry with her and didn't even know that she had been pregnant a year before. He didn't know why she was so damn scared to settle down with him, even though his spiraling out of control could have been reason enough.

Things had been so bad between them she couldn't believe it ever occurred to him to ask her such a ridiculous question. She couldn't even believe he actually wanted to get married. Dallas ran from every sort of idea society thought was normal, and marriage had to scare the shit out of him. The only thing she could imaging was that he wanted something else to hold over her head. He had to be getting as tired of playing the Wade card as she was of hearing it.

As she went to the hall closet and pulled down a small bag of Jimmy's tools, she kept thinking about it. She pulled out a hammer and dug out a single nail and back in her bedroom she gently tapped it into the wall just above the new hole. Looking around her bedroom, she pulled a framed print of a field of flowers from the wall across from her closet door and carefully set it on the new nail to hide the hole. Staring at it, she realized it was just a bandaid.

Removing the frame, she laid down on her bed and continued to stare at it. For a long time, she lay there thinking about his proposal and the reasons he did it. She thought of the one thing she needed to tell him, but she really didn't know if she would be able to. She didn't know how to make him listen. There was a part of her that knew he was probably already gone and not coming back. Even if he wasn't, though, telling him he left her pregnant and alone was probably what would drive him away. Her eyes were dry as she thought about this, but her chest was heavy.

While her mind was never truly made up about New York, she suddenly decided she wasn't going. She knew he was only mad about it because she never told him and he had to find out for himself, but he still had a point. She had no idea what she would do there, so staying home was the simple answer. It made sense.

Ellie couldn't picture herself without him and she just so desperately wanted him to survive. What they needed wasn't to get married, but for them to get everything out into the open. She wanted him to be that boy she fell in love with all those years ago, back when things were a lot simpler. They could work on their relationship and maybe she could get him to open up. She didn't know how to get him back to a good place, and there were so many things she needed to tell him and wanted him to do that she was terrified of how much further he could spiral out of control.

From her bed, she looked at her dresser and could just barely see the old copies of the Reader's Digest laying there. She grabbed one and thumbed through the pages and wondered.

XXX

For hours, Dallas drove around aimlessly. He chewed over her denial and beat himself up over asking in the first place. He was pissed at her for giving him the answer he knew she would, but he couldn't help but hope she would have said yes. Even if she had, he knew she was right. Maybe not today or even in the next year, but eventually, he would run. He was not a good guy like Wade or the shoulder to cry on like Soda. No, he was apparently a piece of shit who just disappeared without warning. An asshole who asked questions he already knew the answer to and then got pissed when it turned out exactly the way he knew it would.

He thought about leaving. He really did. It would have been easy enough to just keep on driving and leave Tulsa and all of its terrible history behind him, but he knew he couldn't do that. The only pure part of himself left was the part that loved her and couldn't leave her. Ellie was the only purpose he had, and the only good thing in his life he could count on. He was destroying everything good they had because he didn't know how to reciprocate the love she gave him, and he wondered how much longer she would hold out. She had once found a boy that must have told her he loved her and he turned a marriage proposal into a vitriolic, resentful fight. Dallas knew a long time ago that he would never be enough, but she loved him and waited for him anyway.

Pulling over on a dark country road, he leaned his head back and tried to think through the squall in his brain. He had to go back and make things right with her, but there was a deep, nagging sensation - an instinct really - that was screaming at him to just stay away.

If he loved her maybe it was better to just let her go. The night was long in the cab of his truck, staring into the dark and replaying the night in his head over and over.

 _I've been up, I've been down  
Twisted around  
I've been right but I've been wrong some_


	18. I Just Burned in the Curve of My Scars

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns "The Outsiders" and Brian Fallon owns** ** _Etta James._**

 _And all we wanted was absolutely everything,  
Like foolish, hungry young lions.  
I was lost and alone, a million light years from home,  
It was nobody's fault but mine._

 **July 7, 1970**

After her third phone call to Buck's without success, Ellie started to feel an old and familiar sense of alarm. Cold dread filled her veins as she started to believe that he skipped town again, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Worse, she kept picturing his truck crashed in a ditch with him dead inside.

Not wanting to drag anyone else into her problems, and mainly not wanting to hear anyone else's opinions, she kept to herself. She went to work and acted like everything was normal even though she was so tired and worried and angry that she felt like she was going to be sick. He kept her in that state of mind for two days.

 **XXX**

As evening was settling in, he pulled up in front of her house. He didn't bother to get out or honk, and she came running out after less than a minute. At a sprint, she crossed the lawn, climbed in and promptly punched him twice in the shoulder.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," she shouted at him, punching him one more time. "Ever."

They didn't embrace and they didn't kiss. He sat there with his hand gripping the steering wheel and said nothing as listened to her struggle to catch her breath. She punched his arm again and he clenched his jaw and shut his eyes for a second, letting her do it because he knew she needed to and because he knew he deserved it and more. The anger seemed to have gone out of her because she settled into the seat and was quiet.

"I came back," he said, daring to look at her. He hadn't gone far in the first place, but he bet she didn't want to hear how he spent a couple of nights sleeping in truck stops trying to get his head right.

"Do you want some kind of a medal?" she asked, sarcastically.

"Jesus, sorry," he said, definitely sure she didn't want to hear it. He lit up a cigarette and looked out his own open window as they sat there in strained silence. "Are you hungry?"

She shrugged and he started out toward the Ribbon. As he drove, she talked.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Even though knew what about, he asked anyway.

"That I turned you down," she said. He could feel her looking at him and there was something in her tone that made him nervous. "I have tell you why, though."

Jay's was up ahead and he turned in quickly as she continued to ramble, her voice was small, but even, almost like she had practiced what she wanted to say. He parked in a spot that faced the street and turned off the engine.

"After I went to Windrixville with you, I got pregnant."

The word came out in a thick, scratchy set of syllables that hung in the air screaming between them. Dallas felt like someone punched him in the gut and he looked at her with his jaw hanging open. He said nothing and suddenly knew what was coming next.

"When I found out, I went to go tell you because I didn't know what else to do, but when I got to your uncle's, he said that you had come back to Tulsa weeks before, but you hadn't. I didn't know how to find you," she said, her voice still small, yet affecting.

Guilt and shame were throttling feelings, and he was having a hard time breathing. He needed to say something, but there wasn't a single thing he could offer her. It felt as though he had left his body and was watching from far away. She filled the silence.

"It didn't really matter, though because I lost it," she said, wistfully. "I guess that happens a lot."

Turning down his half-assed marriage proposal, and all that distance she tried to keep between them, was because she was scared he would leave her with a kid. And why not? Apparently, he had already done that to her. Dallas didn't know what to say, and he got lost and tangled in his own thoughts about why kids scared him half to death. With kids came resentment and abandonment. Mothers resented fathers, fathers abandoned kids, kids grew up and treated the ones they were stuck with like garbage just to see how much they can take before they stop coming back. In his case, sometimes even mothers abandoned their kids.

Plain as day, he could see the look on her face when he dropped her off at her house after their weekend at his uncle's. Those sad, green, knowing eyes. What had those eyes been like when she found out he blew town?

Looking now, he read the exhaustion and trepidation in her eyes. That was a huge secret she had been holding on to, and Dallas couldn't imagine how much it took for her to bring it out into the open. Not with all of the reasons he gave her not to trust him.

Thinking in anguished silence for a long time, he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge what she had just told him, even though he was dying to know if she had spilled the beans to Sodapop. She seemed to tell him every other damn thing about her life; things she didn't tell him. Instead, he saved the fight and asked, "You hungry or not?"

She looked at him warily. Obviously she wasn't but she climbed out of the cab of the truck and he followed her inside. He picked a table by the wall and she went up to order some food. By the time she got back, it was nearly dark outside and they both ate in silence in the crowded restaurant. Dallas had never felt so worthless.

If a person could eat slowly, Ellie ate her fries as slowly as he had ever seen a person. One after another, she ate, one small bite at a time, staring at nothing. Lord, he didn't know how to fix this mess.

She picked up a a fry and then set it back down, her hands falling unseen into her lap. Slowly, she asked, "Are you going to say anything?"

Sure, he could say a lot, but he wasn't about to. He could apologize for knocking her up and leaving her alone and then for proposing like a jackass before disappearing for two days. Suddenly, he wondered what there even was for him to say.

"We have to talk about it," she said.

"About what?"

"Dallas, please," she said. She rubbed her eyes tiredly.

Those eyes he loved so much were so green and so dejected that he tried to give her the attention they deserved. He dropped the soggy fry between his fingers and sat back, waiting on her to speak.

"I should have told you the other night," she said.

There were a thousand questions he could have asked, but he kept tight lipped. It never mattered what he said; it was always wrong.

"I'm not saying we can't get married one day, but we have a lot of work to do. Both of us," she said. There was a false look of hope in her eyes, and Dally looked past her. He looked toward the front door, watching as kids poured in, some of them were Tim's old guys. "When I said no, I meant right now."

The reason he asked her in the first place was because he was scared to death he would screw things up so badly that right now was all they had. That, and the fact that after Wade, he knew she wouldn't put up with him and the way he was much longer. She always told him she chose him over Wade. Ellie didn't lie to him. She couldn't because he could always tell.

"I should have told you from the very beginning about the baby, but I was scared. I was scared you would leave again."

She was right, but he was looking for a way to throw it back at her because he didn't know how else to respond. Biting his tongue, though, he tried to come up with something sympathetic and supportive but got lost in his own fears and anger that he stayed silent.

"Are you really not going to say anything?" she said, with some bite in her tone.

"Would you have kept it?"

With a shaky breath, she said, "Yes."

Dallas tried to imagine coming back to her with a kid on the way, and he grimaced. It must have been telling, though, because she looked heartbroken.

"You wouldn't have stayed."

It wasn't a question this time. Her eyes bore into him, and he felt every hurt he ever caused her. He opened his mouth to argue but was interrupted when one of Tim's guys walked up to the table. Todd barely nodded in Dally's direction but tapped Ellie on the shoulder to get her attention.

"Hey," he said. "Curly asked me to tell you something."

Dally watched Ellie perk up, and he glanced between the two of them. He should have been relieved at the interruption but instead, it just added fuel to the fire smoldering in his veins.

"Is he okay?"

"He wanted me to tell you that he's a coward but he figured you would understand why."

"What did he do?"

"He stole a cop car earlier today. Crashed it into the mailbox in front of the Tulsa PD. Threw a few punches when they tried to get him out of the car. Got a couple good ones in," Todd said, grinning like a fool.

Dally scoffed to himself, earning a nasty look from Todd and Ellie both although they didn't say a word to him. Ellie's gaze lingered for a moment, not white hot like he was expecting, but edgy like she was nervous about how he would respond.

"If you talk to him, tell him I'm happy he did," she said, quickly.

"Yeah, I will. You might get a chance, I'm sure he'll be in jail a while before the trial."

Todd told her good night, ignoring Dallas, before he left the table. Dally watched him walk away until he was seated at his own table.

"What the hell was that about?"

Ellie shook her head. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Christ, if you'd ever been that happy that I got myself arrested for something so stupid."

She scowled and he let it drop. Both Shepards were going to be in prison now so those were two things he didn't have to worry about anymore. However, the thing he worried about most strolled in through the front door wearing a dopey cowboy hat and leading a cute girl on his arm. Wade made eye contact with him and looked at Ellie's back, then quickly looked away. Dallas didn't miss the two other quick glances he sent their way, and he felt heat rising in his chest. They stopped at a table by the side door to talk to some other kids and he laughed at something. Quickly, Dallas looked at her and caught the subtle way her eyes tried to search out the sound the coy way she looked over her shoulder to catch a glimpse. Ellie looked at him again and Dallas saw the heartache in her eyes as she reached across the table and put her hand on his arm.

"Let's go talk where it's quiet," she suggested.

It came too quick, and he read between the lines. The same truth he had known for the last several months spread out in front of him like a book. The nice boy, the decent kid from the right side of the tracks and from a good family. The boy who always treated her well and did nice things for her, that she regretted leaving in the dust for him. This was the kid who was always between them and wasn't the one that left her knocked up and alone.

Ever since he came home, she had never been the same. She kept her distance. She refused to stay with him. She wanted so much more than anything he could ever offer her. An angular, awkward cowboy with a goofy grin had shown her all of things Dallas had only wished he could be for her and it had changed everything. This was the boy she would have been better off with and everyone knew it. The boy who was everything good for her while he was everything that made her cry. This was the kid that was everything Dallas could never be for her and his hate was coming to a boiling point.

When he rose out of his seat, he heard her call his name, but the plea was far away. He felt her hands grab his arms to pull him back, but she couldn't stop him. When he bumped his elbow into the kid, her screams of warning were far away. The last thing he saw before rage blinded him was the instant fear in the kid's eyes when he grabbed him by the collar and shoved him out the side door.

There was nothing that could have stopped him from beating the hell out of that kid. He pommeled him. Knocking him to the asphalt, he beat him until he was a bloody, pulpy mess. The kid never even fought back.

 **XXX**

She stood there, hand over her mouth, looking at the bloody heap of a person on the ground. Sheryl was crouching beside him and others moved closer to make sure Wade wasn't dead. Ellie didn't even look at Dallas until she heard Todd say her name.

"Get him out of here," he told her. He was standing between Dally and Wade, arms wide. "Now."

Dallas made a move toward her, his hands covered in blood. She was acutely aware that everyone was staring at her now, blaming her and her feet felt like two blocks of cement. She couldn't move. But Dallas was beside her, his hand, warm and slick with blood, wrapped around her wrist and pulled her away from the crowd. Silently, she let him lead her, glancing over her shoulder at Wade as she did.

Dally pulled her along toward his truck, and in the distance she heard the sirens. When he let go of her to get into the truck, she stood immobile by the tailgate, frozen in shock as she stared at her arm and the bloody handprint he left behind.

"What the fuck? Get in," he said, standing with the driver's door open.

She shook her head and said in a raspy whisper, "I'm not going."

He slammed the door and came up to her. Ellie backed up a couple of paces, but he didn't touch her.

"The fuzz are about to show, we gotta go," he said, gesturing wildly.

The sirens were louder, maybe only a minute or two away. They were police cruisers. Living her whole life in the company of hoodlums on the wrong side of the tracks, she knew the difference between sirens without even trying. For a moment, it felt like the night he got himself shot.

"You go," she told him. "Just go."

It wasn't all that long ago she made a terrible decision to get into a car with someone that didn't need the company. And when she backed up another step, she saw the change in his eyes. They went from dangerous to crazed. His icy blue eyes went a shade darker than she had ever seen, and he lashed out at her, grabbing her arms and yanking her forward. Ellie struggled to get out of his grasp, but it was impossible. He pulled her toward the passenger door with her feet dragging the ground and her protests ignored.

When she made herself deadweight, he shoved her against the car parked beside them, pinning her there while she went still.

"What? You want to go back there with him? With that fucking guy?"

Ellie felt tears spring to her eyes, but they didn't fall. She tried to push forward, but he shoved her back the ground she gained.

"Why him? Huh?" His voice took on a thick, raspy tone, but she couldn't comprehend it.

Ellie felt that her heart might explode, and she struggled to get away from him. How many times did she have to tell him it was over with Wade? He still never believed her.

"Look at me!" he said, nearly snarling. Ellie did in spite of herself. "Why him?"

There wasn't an answer she could give him, and it felt the same as when she couldn't answer Wade as to why she loved Dallas.

"You want him back?"

"No! And I don't want you either," she cried.

It was a horrible thing to say, but it was the first time in months she said what she really felt. It was the first time she admitted it to herself. Steve was right; you could love someone but not be in love with them. All this time, she was doing what she could to keep him in Tulsa - out of trouble and alive - out of the love she had for him, but she knew she had fallen out of that love.

She never got a chance to see the look on his face when she said that, because he tried again to force her into the car. He kept telling her _no_ over an over and she continued to struggle against him, yelling for him to just leave her be.

Suddenly, he stopped pulling her forward and shoved her back again. She had no time to defend herself against his fist and she saw stars and tasted blood. Just as quickly, though, everything stopped. It took her several seconds to realize it wasn't because someone stepped in to stop him, but because he was now standing there in front of her stock still.

Ellie cupped her face and Dallas stood there staring at his bloodied fist. Between them was silence and the sounds of incoming sirens. For the second time in a minute, she saw a look in his eyes she had never seen before.

He looked horrified.

He pulled the keys from his pocket and slowly held them out to her. Cautiously, Ellie took them, holding them clasped in her hand, and he let go. Without a word, he turned around and walked toward the restaurant and sat on the curb, his hands holding his head. Two cruisers pulled in, sirens going dead, but lights bouncing off the building and his face. Two officers from one car went directly to him while the other two ran around the side where Wade was. Ellie watched as Dallas was cuffed and put him into the back of a car.

It was as simple as that.

 **XXX**

While some cops questioned her, others were asking everyone to leave. Several kids gave statements, and Ellie miserably answered every question asked of her truthfully. The cop wrote down her answers and kept asking her if she needed the medic. Her face hurt, but not nearly as much as her heart. She hadn't watched as they loaded Wade onto the stretcher into the ambulance that arrived. She only saw it race away with sirens screeching.

After a while, the cop released her and she sat down on the curb in the front of the restaurant. The ambulance carrying Wade may have been long gone, but the cruiser holding Dally was still waiting on a driver to take him away. From where she sat, she could see him, but he wouldn't be able to see her, he wasn't looking either. His head was down and he didn't move.

Todd sat down beside her and handed her a towel filled with ice.

"You should ice that," he said. "I didn't see anyone take a look at you."

Pressing it to her throbbing face, she said, "I'm ok."

"I've been in a fight with him before, he doesn't fool around with his punches," Todd said.

"No kidding," she said. She licked the inside of her cheek and gingerly felt where it smashed against her teeth.

"I shouldn't have told you to get him out of here. I should have just kicked his ass right back to the curb and left you out of it. Sorry."

Ellie just shrugged. He couldn't have known that this was the lid finally blowing off the pot. That this was a long time coming.

"I'm glad you didn't go anywhere with him."

There was something about the way he said it, as though he knew something maybe he shouldn't. She looked at him and lowered the towel. She didn't know him all that well, but he always ran around with Tim and Curly, so she wasn't all that surprised that he knew about that other horrible night.

She couldn't muster any reply and instead looked back at the cruiser.

He slapped his palms on his jeans and said, "I'd take you home, but I thought maybe you'd rather have one of your friends. I called Mathews."

Setting the ice against her cheek again, she nodded her thanks. Dally's car keys were still clasped tightly in her hand. A thought crossed her mind and she needed to be alone.

The cop car with Dally started its engine and it pulled out of the parking lot and disappeared down the Ribbon.

"Man, he sure does know how to make a scene," Todd said.

"He always has."

It was the first legal trouble Dallas had been in since he got out. Ellie had done everything in her power in the last few months to keep him in one piece, but it hadn't done any good. If anything, it had made things worse. Curiously enough, though, she felt nothing inside. She didn't care that he was being hauled off to jail. It was almost a relief. He was someone else's problem now.

Standing up slowly, she told Todd thanks for his help.

He stood up, too, and followed her a few paces. "You're not going to wait for Two-Bit?"

"Tell him I'm ok and I'll see him later," she said, an urgency growing inside her.

Todd looked conflicted as she got into the truck, but he didn't try to stop her. Nothing could have.

 _And was there a hole in your life?_

 _Did you kill to keep warm and somehow  
never quite __satisfied_ _?  
Do you feel like it's always time to go?  
And it's always wrong, and it's always off,  
And it's hard to know which heart to hold._


	19. When the Walls Come Down

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns "The Outsiders" and Kings of Leon owns _Walls._**

 _Tell me what I have to say,  
_ _If you know what's right then you'll walk away._

 **July 7, 1970**

The call had come in ten minutes after he got in the door from work. Carolyn had answered it and Two-Bit listened to Todd Howell on the other end tell him that Dallas had beat up Wade and Ellie at Jay's. A pit formed in his stomach and then all he felt was white hot anger. Slamming the phone back on the wall, he told Carolyn everything and ran out the door.

All the way to Jay's, he tried not to picture what she might look like or how upset she might be. For years he had supported them and spoken up against everyone's doubts because he never thought it was fair that everyone felt like they had some claim on their feelings for each other. Dallas had flown off the handle so many times and he had always forgiven him, but this more than crossed the line and Two-Bit just wanted to know why and how.

Pulling into the parking lot, he saw that the place was pretty much dead after the ruckus. Todd was sitting on the curb and stood up to meet him as he rushed across the parking lot looking all over for her.

"Where is she?"

"She took off, but she that she would see you later," he said.

With a tense sigh, Two-Bit asked, "Was she ok? Did she say where she was going?"

"Yeah, she was ok, but she didn't tell me where. She had his keys and took off in his truck.

Two-Bit shook Todd's hand and he walked off. Standing there, Two-Bit tried to think about where she might go with some wheels and started looking.

XXX

Ellie had rolled the window down and was driving fast, letting the wind whip her hair around and sting her tender face. The truck would always smell like him and right then she didn't want any reminders. For the first time since she was 14, she was going to wash her hands of him. A sense of power was growing inside her, throbbing just as much as her face, and she had never felt as untethered as she did right then. It was a brand new feeling.

After a little while, she stopped by the payphone across the street from the DX. The little gas station was already closed for the night, and it sat dimly lit and lonely. It hadn't been the same since the two handsome boys who used to work there went off to war. It was different, just like everything else.

She dumped out her purse on the seat, collecting every piece of change she could find, and even looking on the floor to find enough. Laying it out, she leaned over and counted to herself, but got distracted by the chain hanging around her neck. Looking down, she watched it swing before she pulled it over her head. In her palm it looked dull and lifeless. That medal had always been so important to her, but now she looked at it doubtfully. She remembered once feeling so empty and incomplete without it, but right then, off of her neck, she felt the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders and she hung it from the rearview mirror. She watched it sway until it was finally still and then gathered the change from the seat.

She dropped in every coin to the payphone, dialed, and waited to be connected for what seemed like ages. The phone on the other end rang and rang. Just as she was about to give up, he answered.

"Hello?"

"Pony? It's Ellie."

His reply was bright and excited, but Ellie cut him off quickly.

"I only have a minute, but I really needed to ask you something."

"Anything. Is everything ok?"

Even though nothing was ok, she had never felt more motivated in her life.

"Are you still serious about me moving to New York with you?"

There were a few seconds of shocked silence. Ellie had purposely put him off since he had asked, neither confirming nor denying she wanted to go, but Dallas' crushing words wondering what she would even do in New York were now like fuel to a flame in her heart. Being told she couldn't do something made her want it more than ever. And letting go finally made it possible.

"Of course. Yeah, I would love that. I think you would, too."

"How soon could I come?"

"Um, I mean, I would have to find us a place, but I could start looking soon," he said.

"I was thinking of coming out in the next couple of weeks."

There was stunned silence again.

"Is everything ok?"

"It's going to be."

"What happened?"

Ellie ignored him. "Two weeks, a month tops."

He was slow on the reply, but he said, "I'm on it. It won't be the nicest place, but it'll be great."

The operator cut in, telling her to insert more money or the call would end.

"I'll talk to you soon," she said to him. "Thanks, Pony."

She hung up as he tried to get a word in.

Sitting back in the truck, she laid her aching head back and considered what she was doing. There had been so little she had ever done in her life that was just for her, and it seemed as though everything in the last three years was all about Dallas. Ellie was tired of the worry and the work it took to help a person who wasn't interested in helping himself. Maybe leaving Tulsa wasn't the answer, but it was an option she was ready to explore. He got to leave and see the country. Why couldn't she?

As she started up the engine, she looked at the DX again and thought about Soda. He would be home before too much longer and she would miss his homecoming, but he had encouraged her so much to go. He even had plans to head out to the city himself. He made plans for them there. There was a deep longing in her heart to see her friend again, but for once she was going to what was best for her.

 **XXX**

Steve was lying on the couch watching TV when the phone rang. He thought about letting it go, but eventually decided to get up and answer. Nothing surprised him more than to hear Ponyboy on the other end.

"Hey, is Ellie at home yet?"

"I don't know, did you try calling her there?" he asked, annoyed.

"She called me a few minutes ago from a payphone. She just seemed … off. Something's wrong, but she didn't tell me. I called over there, but her mom said she was out with Dally."

Steve's interest was piqued. "Off, how?"

Pony took a breath, and sounded like he was really choosing his words carefully. "She told me she was coming to New York and said nothing else. She's put me off about it for months and it's just weird that she calls me up like that."

"So you assume something happened?" Steve asked, even though he was now sure that something had.

"Check on her for me?"

"Yeah, I'll find her. Thanks, Pone," he said, hanging up.

Quickly, he pulled on his shoes and went outside. Looking at her house, he saw that only a few lights where on and he was about to head over when he saw Two-Bit turn on to the street. He stopped in front of her house and Steve felt cold dread in the pit of his stomach. The last time he had to go looking for her was one of the worst and most helpless nights of his life. Getting into Two-Bit's car, he couldn't help but expect the very worst.

 **XXX**

For the better part of an hour, Two-Bit drove them around, looking for any sign of her or Dallas' truck. They had been up and down the Ribbon, by the Curtises, back by her house at least twice, all over the neighborhood, and Steve had jumped out to call Buck's to see if she showed up there for some reason. Two-Bit was about ready to call Darry and get him looking when Steve suggested the hospital.

"You think she's that hurt?"

Shaking his head, Steve said, "No. Well, she better not be, but Wade's there, right?"

That made so much sense he couldn't believe they spent so much time looking anywhere else. If he knew Ellie at all, he knew she had the heaviest conscience of anyone he had ever met, and she would be where she thought she had to to make amends. Making another U-turn, he headed to the hospital.

Two-Bit parked and they both headed in and started walking the halls. Steve asked where Wade might be and they headed up to the observation floor. The waiting rooms were filled with people, but not her. They went up and down stairwells and checked the cafeteria. Steve looked disappointed and they went out a different door than they came in. They were only a few steps out the sliding glass door when Two-Bit heard her call out to them.

Looking all around, he finally saw her sitting on a bench near the door.

"Oh, thank God," he said, as he sat beside her. Steve stood on her other side. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I knew Todd called you. I just had to get out of there."

He moved a little so more light would shine on her face, and he saw the black eye and bruised cheek and caught the disgusted look on Steve's face.

"Damnit, Dallas," Two-Bit said under his breath.

"It's ok," she said. "I'm fine."

"It's not ok," he said, taking her chin this time. He couldn't believe it as much as he suddenly could.

She pulled her chin back. "Did you see Wade's family?"

Two-Bit was about to say no, but Steve said, "I think I saw them up there."

"I started to go in, but then I figured maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to be there."

"What happened?" Steve asked.

In all honesty, he expected her to be falling apart, but she was strangely composed. He wasn't sure if he should be reassured by that or not.

Ellie licked her lip and stared out into space before she said, "It was over, and I think we both figured it out. Wade just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

It didn't take a detective to notice that Ellie did a hell of a lot more tolerating Dallas than loving him lately. And you didn't need one to see that Dallas couldn't figure out his life back in the real world either. Two-Bit really believed that all he needed was time, but time just seemed to make everything worse. Wade was lying in a hospital bed because Dally seemed to realize he couldn't erase a past that didn't involve him.

"And then he hit you?" Steve asked.

"Something like that."

Steve looked like he was about to burst with the need to beat the shit out of Dally, and as much as Two-Bit did, too, there was nothing for them to do.

"Allison needs to look at you," Steve said, in no uncertain terms.

A pained expression crossed her face. "I'll be ok, I just want to go home."

Even though Two-Bit agreed with Steve, he could see it in her eyes that she needed to just call it a night. He was about to side with her, but the look on Steve's face was not one to argue with. Ellie must have seen it too, because she stood up.

"What about the truck?"

"Leave it here, we'll get it later," Steve said.

They walked back to his car, and Two-Bit drove them back to the Curtises. He kept glancing at her in the back seat, waiting on her to start to crumble, but she sat tall in her seat, looking out the window with a determined expression. Steve looked back after a few minutes and got her attention by tapping her leg. Quietly enough that Two-Bit felt like he wasn't supposed to hear, he asked her, "Are you ok?"

Subtly, he watched her in the rearview as she held Steve's gaze for a long time and replied just as quietly, "I'm ok."

XXX

Steve knew she did not want to go in, but she walked beside him up the steps and into the house behind Two-Bit. There wasn't a good way to soften the blow and Darry and Allison looked as shocked and horrified as he had. Allison took over quickly and lead her into the kitchen where the light was better. Following, Steve leaned against the counter and watched.

"Do you have a headache?" Ellie said she was just sore. "Any double vision?"

"It's really ok," she replied, pushing Allison's hands away.

Darry stood beside Steve, holding an ice pack, and watched as Allison checked her out. It was hard to miss the way his jaw was set and the heat in his eyes. It was as though this was what he was worried about all along. Two-Bit came in after having called Carolyn and sat down at the table with her.

Allison went down the hall to the bathroom, and Ellie turned and looked to all three of them.

"I really wish you would all just relax. I'm ok."

That was hard to believe given the black and blue bruises, and Steve beat everyone to the punch when he spoke up.

"You've been crazy over him forever and you want us to believe that he beats you up and you're not even bothered by it?"

Everyone waited on her to answer, even Allison stood immobile in the doorway. Shaking her head a little and with clear eyes and determination, Ellie said, "I'm not -"

It was Darry that cut her off. "You're not going back to that."

That was a challenge and Steve cringed because he was now scared she would rise to it, but she set her jaw and squared her shoulders and played a different card.

"I'm going to New York."

Steve smiled as stunned silence fell around the room.

"He finally talked you into it?" Darry asked, a broad smile crossing his face.

Soda sent a letter months ago telling him how badly she wanted to go, and Steve knew it wasn't a matter of Pony talking her into it but instead her finally realizing that she could leave. The room erupted in excitement and everyone hugged her, congratulating her. Steve stayed back against the counter and just watched. He was happy for her, too, but he already missed her.

After awhile, Steve could tell she needed to get out of the house and he offered to walk her home. She accepted quickly, and after Allison looked her over one more time, they headed out. It wasn't until they were standing at her front door that she said something.

"You were right, you know?"

Those were not words she often said to him and he raised an eyebrow. "About what?"

"About how you can love someone, but not be in love with them. I didn't know the difference."

"And all it took was a black eye," he said.

She shrugged. "It's more what happened to Wade."

Steve wanted set her straight and tell her that Wade wasn't the only one who got hurt, and how she didn't deserve to be hit and strung along on a relationship that was going nowhere, but given her choice to leave, he thought that she probably already knew it.

Instead he said, "He didn't know how to hold on to you."

She looked suddenly sad. "He doesn't know how to get out of his own head."

There was a lot he could say, but he knew that for once she didn't need him to. Ellie hugged him and held on for a long time. When she parted, she said, "I don't know what I would ever do without you. I'll miss you."

She gave him a tired smile and went inside. Steve had never been so proud of her.

XXX

It would be morning before anything happened, so that left Dallas to lay in a dark cell by himself and just think. It was the clearest thinking he had done in years.

There was still blood on his knuckles, but he didn't know how much was his, Wade's, or if any of it could have been Ellie's. Just imagining that made him sick and he couldn't stop replaying the whole scene in his head over and over. He saw himself lose whatever restraint he had left and punch her. She flinched when he handed her the keys, and she had said nothing when he walked away and waited to be arrested. Ellie was rarely so silent.

The worst part of all had to be where she had taken the hit as though she had long expected it, and Dallas didn't know if he could have felt a deeper feeling of self-loathing.

He thought back to a long time ago when he was just a kid. His mom and dad had been fighting, screaming at each other as he sat, trying to act unbothered by the whole scene with his bedroom door closed. It wasn't anything new; they fought all the time. Dallas was nine when his dad punched his mother and then beat her black and blue. The old man had run out and Dallas was left alone to try and care for her, and he had felt as useless then as he did now. When morning had finally come she packed them both a bag and they left without a word to anyone. She called a long distance number on a payphone, and she had cried as she talked to someone on the other end. An hour later she collected money from a Western Union, and two hours later they were on a bus.

When Dallas had seen the New York skyline for the first time, he felt like his life was going to change for the better. His father he hated so much was behind him and a future was ahead. Now, all Dally could think about was Ellie being black and blue and on her way out of this life. He knew she would leave. He even hoped she would.

Everything he touched turned to rot. For years, he knew that Ellie was the best thing in his life, not to mention the only constant. No matter how far he strayed, how long he was gone, or how much he pushed her, Ellie was always there. She was the only good thing he had left to count on, and she had been the fool. At least she had been until she learned what it was like to be loved and that had made him the fool to believe that he could keep her by sheer force of his will.

Nothing had happened when he picked that fight with the boy. Nothing at all except the realization that knew he could never be the guy Wade was to her. He had lost her and he only had himself to blame.

 _You tore out my heart,  
You threw it away.  
A Western girl with Eastern eyes,  
Took a wrong turn and found surprise awaits,  
Now there's nothing in the way._


	20. Can You Feel It?

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! It's been a wild couple of weeks. Back to regularly scheduled programming.**

 **Disclaimer: SE Hinton owns _The Outsiders._ Kings of Leon owns "Pyro."**

 _A single book of matches gonna burn  
What's standing in the way_

 **July 8, 1970**

As morning crept into the neighborhood, she woke up slowly. When she turned from her side to her back she groaned. Everything from her shoulders up hurt and she was stiff as a board. For a long time, she lay there trying to massage the pain from her neck and stared transfixed again at the fist sized hole in her bedroom wall. A lot of things had happened very quickly the night before, and she felt like she was hungover.

Slowly, she got up and looked at herself in the dresser mirror. Her eye and cheek were varying shades of purple and brown. The inside of her cheek still felt tender and raw, but it was already better than last night. It was ugly, but she couldn't imagine what Wade must look like. That thought sent a rush of cold blood through her veins and a lump formed in her throat. She wanted to see him, but she thought that it wasn't a good idea.

Unable to look at the damage on her face anymore, she dug out the stack of postcards Pony sent her and lay back on her bed. It was hard to imagine anywhere in the world other than the pocket of Oklahoma she had lived her entire life, but she liked to imagine. In the same stack was the graduation card and the letter from Soda where he encouraged her to go. She read them both over and over again knowing that it was what she really wanted. It was only a couple of days ago that Dallas had so cruelly asked her what the hell she would do in New York, and she knew now the answer was very simple: she would do whatever the hell she wanted.

Setting the stack aside, she thought again about Wade and decided that writing him a letter was the best option. Digging out a notebook and a pen, she sat on her bed for a long time pouring out every apology she could think of and gave him every chance for an I-Told-You-So moment that he deserved - that everyone deserved. They had, after all, warned her all along.

Even though she meant every word she wrote, it felt so hollow. Nothing in the world would ever erase the hurt she caused him.

Sealing up the pages in an envelope anyway, she tossed it into her bag and lay on her bed thinking about everything all over again. Allison would give him the note and Ellie decided she would just disappear from his life. It was the best thing for him, and if she was being honest with herself, it was good for her to to just leave it all alone.

She heard her mom pass by her bedroom with Danny and start breakfast in the kitchen. Ellie had gone and made a ton of plans and hadn't even told her mother yet. Even worse, she hadn't even stopped to consider that she was leaving Danny behind.

Getting up, she looked at herself one more time in the mirror, and went to the kitchen. Abigail had her back to her as she cooked eggs and sausage on the stove, and Danny smiled a huge smile and offered her a Cheerio from the bowl in front of him. Leaning in, she chomped down on it making him laugh. She felt her heart strings tug at the thought of leaving him behind, but even as she looked at his sweet face, she knew she was still going to leave.

"Can we talk?" Ellie asked her mom.

Spatula in hand, Abigail turned around and her tired eyes went wide.

"Oh, baby, what happened to you?"

Quickly, Ellie rehashed the story just giving her the details she needed to know. She didn't want to talk about Dallas with her right then.

"It's not about this," Ellie said, motioning to her face. She looked at Danny and back at her mother. "It's something else."

Abigail's eyes searched Ellie's face before she conceded. "Want some breakfast?"

"Sure," Ellie replied.

She sat and waited as Abigail finished up and dished up breakfast. She set two steaming plates on the table and didn't touch hers as she looked again at Ellie's face. An expression of concern Ellie so rarely saw from her. Abigail had changed so much since Danny was born. Now that Ellie was grown and didn't need her mom as much, it hurt even worse that she was more present than ever before.

Unable to deal with her mom's worried look, Ellie ate a couple of bites and told her the plans she had made.

"Ponyboy invited me to go to New York and stay for awhile and I want to go. I'm going to go," she said, not asking for permission.

Slowly, Abigail set down her fork and then looked at Danny with a sad smile. When she looked back, she gave Ellie a smile as bright as she had seen in a long time. "He's sure going to miss you."

It left her speechless when Abigail got up and pulled her into a hug. Ellie melted into her mother's embrace and when they parted Abigail had tears in her eyes. Holding Ellie's face, she kissed her cheek.

"I am, too, you know. But you get out of this town, baby."

Letting her go, they both sat back down and ate breakfast together. A lot had changed in the last year, and she loved these moments she had with her mom, as few and far between as they were. They spent the next hour making plans about what she needed to pack and Ellie felt herself growing stronger.

XXX

A plea deal was on the table and Dallas lay in his holding cell thinking about it. The public defender suggested he take it and be happy it wasn't worse. It was simple. He would plead guilty, receive a sentence of a couple of years and be required to take anger management classes. The lawyer seemed to think that if he complied, he would be out in as little as three to six months. It was a sweet deal to be sure for how badly he messed that kid up.

In all honesty, it was too sweet of a deal. Dallas didn't know if he wanted to be out in three to six months when he felt like he deserved three to six years. Gingerly flexing his bruised and aching knuckles he pictured her face when he hit her. She hadn't looked nearly as horrified as she had after he beat the shit out of Wade. Ellie took that punch like she had been expecting it for years which made him feel sick.

She hadn't come to see him yet, and he didn't expect her to.

If the case went to trial, that would mean bringing in a ton of kids to be witnesses against him. He had attacked that boy in a public place - rookie move according to the defender - and nearly killed him. Everyone saw it and everyone the police talked to had confirmed it. Dallas knew that it meant Ellie would be called and that was all it took to convince him to take the plea bargain. It wasn't for his sake, though. Even though he knew he coudn't handle her testifying against him, he didn't want her to have to do it. He hurt her enough without having to drag this whole thing out. Besides, the plea bargain sounded like something she would have liked him to do. All of that begging she did to get him back to Windrixville hadn't worked, but he had a feeling that anger management and a trip away from Tulsa might ease her conscience a little.

Rubbing his aching knuckles, he tried to get her out of his mind. He tried to not picture how badly he must have hurt her, but every time he closed his eyes he watched it again on repeat. Even though he knew they were over, he hoped like hell that maybe she wouldn't hate him forever.

XXX

After breakfast, Ellie walked over to the Curtises with her letter to Wade in her purse. Allison was doing her makeup in the bathroom mirror when she walked in.

"How are you feelin this morning?" she asked, looking her over again.

"I'm just sore."

Her blue eyes went soft and sad, and she opened the medicine cabinet and shook two pills from a bottle and handed them to her.

"These are a little stronger than aspirin. It should help."

Ellie took them from her gratefully, but held them in her palm for a moment. "Would you be able to find out about Wade for me?"

"Do you want to ride over with me and see him?"

"No, I don't think it's a good idea," Ellie said quickly. "I just want to know how he's doing."

Allison nodded and set a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I can do that. Hang on a minute."

She went to the phone, and Darry stepped out in the hallway from their bedroom and looked her over just like everyone else had that morning.

"You ok?"

Ellie told him she was, but she was watching Allison on the phone. When she hung up, she looked stricken and Ellie felt her whole body tense.

"First off, they say he's going to be ok, but he is hurt pretty badly. They're treating him for a concussion, broken nose and cheek bone, and several bruised and broken ribs," she said. "They'll keep him a little while, but he'll be ok in time."

It sounded like she was sugar coating things, but Ellie was willing to accept it for now. It was hard to picture Wade in a hospital bed, beaten and broken. She held her own face where it was purple. Darry set a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.

"Are you sure you don't want to come see him?" Allison asked again.

She was very sure and she nodded because that lump had formed in her throat again. Wade had been the sweetest person to her and all she had ever done was bring him misery. If anything, Wade didn't need to be reminded as to why he was so hurt. He would always remember.

Looking at her like worried mother, Allison said, "That's ok. I'll keep an eye on him and let you know how he's healing."

"Thanks," Ellie said, barely squeaking the word out. Darry squeezed her her shoulders again. Ellie sat down on the couch as Allison finished getting ready and Darry coaxed Lizzie away from her toys to take her to her grandmother's house for the day. When Lizzie saw her on the couch, her mouth dropped open. She ran and sat close to Ellie on the couch.

"Oh, Ellie, are you ok?"

Darry sat down next to Lizzie and said, "She's going to be just fine."

Lizzie didn't look convinced and she leaned in and kissed Ellie's sore cheek. It made Ellie smile when she said, "That'll make it better."

"It already has," she told the little girl as Allison gathered her up and they headed out the door.

"Aren't you working today?" Ellie asked Darry.

"It's my day off. I'm supposed to tackle some projects here, but my day's open if you need some company. Steve will probably be over soon. He's been helping me with the house. He's been trying to work up the strength in his left arm, but he's been getting a little more feeling back in his right."

That would have been something she might have realized if she had been around more. Ellie played around her own sense of guilt and asked, "What's the next project?"

Darry sighed and looked around the house with thoughtful eyes. "I want to rip up a lot of this carpet. There's wood floor underneath and maybe now that everyone's grown it won't get ruined."

That thought stung her and made her think of Danny.

"I have to ask you a huge favor," she said, looking at him seriously.

"Anything."

"Will you watch out for Danny?" Even though she was intent to leave, she couldn't bear to keep him away from Lizzie and nights spent with her friends just because she wasn't there. "He loves you guys and Lizzie so much."

There wasn't another person in the world who could understand keeping an eye out for a kid brother quite like Darry, and she was so relieved to see a sympathetic smile cross his lips.

"Of course I will. We love him, too."

That was all the peace of mind she needed. She hung out with Darry and when Steve got there, they all decided to get a bite to eat. They were all so happy and carefree in that afternoon that leaving felt so bittersweet.

XXX

A few days later, Allison called to let her know that Wade's condition had been downgraded and he was in a regular room. She offered to drive her to hospital to visit him, but Ellie was still pulling back. There was a perfectly good letter she could send with her, but Ellie still kept it and agonized over what was best for Wade. Four days had gone by, and Ellie was gathering her nerves to face him. Just after lunchtime, she drove to the hospital in Dally's truck.

She sat in the parking lot and tried to think of what to say to him, but she was blanking. There wasn't an apology sincere enough to make up to him the damage she had caused him. She looked at her face in the rearview mirror and scowled at the yellowing bruises. Make up didn't do much to hide them.

Finally, she gathered up enough courage to step out of the truck and head inside to the elevators. Riding up to the third floor, she got off and peeked into the waiting room and found it empty of his family. Walking slowly down the hallway toward his room, she started to lose her nerve and dug the letter out of her purse, thinking about just leaving it at the nurses' station to give to him, but as she looked into an open room she saw his mother sitting in a chair, silhouetted in the bright light from the window. All she could see of his hospital bed was the foot of it, and maybe his feet under the blankets. Ellie stared for a long time until she realized his mother was looking right at her. It felt like they stared back and forth for ages before Mrs. Wilson finally got up and shut the door.

Ellie stood there for a long time trying to compose herself. She looked at the letter and thought about all of the ways she tried to apologize to him. Even though she thought them hollow and meaningless, Ellie walked up to the door and carefully clipped the envelope to his medical chart hanging beside it. It was the best she could do, and she had to hope that it was enough.

 _I won't ever be your cornerstone  
_ _I don't want to be here holding on_


	21. The Thorn in Your Pride

**Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns** ** _The Outsiders_** **and Brian Fallon owns "Honey Magnolia."**

 **Sorry guys. We're really not trying to leave you hanging. When we say it's been nuts over here, it's been nuts. One of us was finishing up school (yay) and the other just started a new job (also, yay)!**

 **Also, there is only one more chapter after this one. I know you guys all expect 40+chapters out of us, but we really wanted this to mostly focus on Dallas and Ellie this time around. That last chapter should be posted by Monday. I promise you won't have to wait an age for it this time around.**

 _I'll be the one to let you know when the sweet taste is gone,  
And it's over, Honey Magnolia_

 **July 1970**

 _Dear Sodapop,_

 _You're right, the world is big and there is so much to see. I'm going to New York. Dallas and I are done for every reason I ever wrote to you and then some more (I'm sure that by now someone else has written you, so I'm going to leave this as a happy letter). I feel close to the best I have ever felt in my life, and I'm excited. You should be coming home soon if everything works out like it should, and my heart breaks that I'll miss your homecoming. I have so many things I want to able to talk to you about, in person, but letters and phone calls will have to do it for now._

 _I'm going in a week and I can hardly contain myself, even though I am also scared to death. Pony is there so I don't really know what I am worried about. It's going to be an adventure of sorts I never imagined for myself._

 _Please continue to stay safe and hurry home, everyone here can't wait to see you again._

 _Love,_

 _Ellie_

The plans came together quickly and within a couple of days Ellie had a bus ticket and was packing up her room. Darry and Allison bought the ticket, which she insisted they didn't, but accepted nevertheless. They also told her whatever she couldn't bring with her on the bus to leave with them and they would send it on for her. Two-Bit and Carolyn gave her store credit for the department store they worked for to buy some new clothes, and Steve kept her company while she packed.

"You're going to miss it when Soda comes home, you know?"

She dropped a load of junk into a box she was packing and sat cross legged on her bed beside him.

"I know," she said, feeling the weight of her disappointment.

He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a little object. Holding it in his hand he opened it and showed her the compass inside. Steve handed it to her.

"You know, he wrote me a little while ago and told me how you were thinking about going, but to not push you," he gave her a bit of side eye and she smiled to herself knowing that it probably took everything inside of him to keep his mouth shut. "I really wish you would have just decided to go instead of how things turned out, but I'm still really happy for you."

She held up the compass and looked at him, waiting on him to explain.

"It's mine," he said. "I thought maybe you needed something to keep you on the straight and narrow if I'm not going to be around to keep you in line."

That made her laugh and want to cry all at the same time. She ran her thumb over the glass and thought about all the times he had been there for her. Looking at him now she smiled and said, "I'll definitely need it. Thank you."

"Anything for you, kid," he said. "Soda swears he's going to head out and visit Pony when he gets home, maybe I'll go along, too."

The false hope in his tone made her believe otherwise, but she pretended that he meant it.

"You're going to be ok?" she asked him, wanting to ask him about all the things he never talked about.

"I'll be fine," he said, determined. "I am fine."

"You promise?"

"I promise. Stop worrying about me and get yourself the hell away from here for awhile," he said, shoving her a little. "Get packing."

Getting to her feet she looked him over and let it be. If anything, when Soda got home, and it was going to be when, maybe he would perk up and be ok. Even though she knew it wouldn't be that simple, it was the hope she held on to.

XXX

The papers had been signed and all of the parties involved had been notified. Dallas was in holding and waiting to board a bus to take him to where he would be spending the next several months or years of his life. His public defender joked that Dally had saved him weeks worth of paperwork because he took the plea deal.

He had thought about writing her a letter to apologize since he knew she wouldn't come see him, but then he thought the better of it. Ellie had poured herself into him for years now and he had given her nothing in return. The best thing, he had come to realize, was just to leave her be, as hard as that was for him to do. He would do all of the time asked of him and he would give her space. He hoped and prayed that when everything was said and done that she wouldn't just slam a door in his face.

The time was going to be long, but he felt a change coming in him. He was aware that it was probably too little, too late, but it was worth a shot. She was worth the time and the effort.

Dallas Winston went to prison for the second time in his life, and he went there hoping it was his last.

XXX

Bright and early in the morning when Dallas was getting on a bus, Steve and Two-Bit waited outside Ellie's house to take a drive with her. Ellie drove Dallas' truck to Lane's place in Windrixville with Steve while Two-Bit followed behind. There was a box wrapped in brown paper with Dallas' name written across it. Steve asked her about it, and she told him it wasn't any of his business.

Both vehicles drove up Lane's dusty driveway and Ellie parked beside the newer truck by the house. By the time she was walking up the front steps, the door opened. He met her with the same look of horror she had become accustomed to since Dallas hit her. She gave him the short version of what happened and then told him that Dally was going back to jail. The old man's face set, and he clenched his jaw like Dally.

"That boy, I tell you," he said, setting a gnarled hand on her shoulder.

"When he gets out, he's going to come here."

Lane looked like he didn't believe her. "What makes you think that?"

"Because I think he might have finally heard me." She looked down at the box and handed it to him. "Will you see that he gets this?"

He took it from her and looked it over. "I'll certainly hold it for him."

"And these," she said, holding up the truck keys. "He should have this when he gets out."

When he took them, he looked across at the old hunk of junk Steve was leaning against. "I gave it to him so he could get to you. I thought I was helping him. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It didn't end up how it should have, but I guess now I know it wasn't meant to be," she said. "He really tried, he just couldn't. It was too hard for him to let go of everything he's always been so angry about and move on."

"He's just like his father," Lane said, a catch in his voice.

"He's not. He just needs a chance," she said. Leaning in she gave the old man a hug and said, "He'll come here. Thank you for everything."

Stepping off of the porch she looked around and tried to remember every detail of the night he brought her to this house. It had been a perfect night that eventually turned everything into rot. Thinking back on it she knew she still wouldn't have changed anything because even knowing what she knew now, she had loved him enough to try. That love was different now and she backed away and waved at Lane one last time, leaving as much behind as she could.

Two-Bit started up his car and drove back the way they came. Everyone was quiet for a long time.

After a while, Two-Bit said, "He wasn't like how I pictured."

"I think he might be the only decent person Dally's family," she said. "I'm glad he has him."

From the back seat Steve asked, "You really think Dally will go there when he gets out?"

There were fewer things in her life she fully believed in, and she nodded. Whenever Dallas got out of prison, he would be alone and he would need someone who would give him a chance. He wouldn't assume Darry or Two-Bit or Steve would have anything to do with him, but Lane had been there for him before. And Ellie knew Dally would go there because it was what she wanted for him.

XXX

The going away party was as fun and bittersweet as she could have imagined. All of her friends who could gather had come together and even her mom stopped by for a little while. The Danny stayed over and ran around, playing with Lizzie until they both passed out asleep on the couch. The house still felt empty and their party incomplete without Soda and Pony. She would see Pony so soon she didn't miss him as hard, but she felt that sting of Sodapop not being there. _Soon_ , though, she kept telling herself. She would see him again soon.

There was only one moment she briefly forgot and looked around for Dallas. It was quick and fleeting and she tried to forget about it. There was a part of her that remained hopeful that he could come back and be welcomed home again. It would start with her, she knew that, but thinking about her sore face and the unforgettable imagine of Wade lying on the pavement made her put away the idea for the time being. She needed time as much as she knew he needed it to figure out his life.

"What's got you thinking so hard?" Darry asked, leaning in close to whisper to over the party noise.

"I kind of feel like I'm running away," she told him.

"You're not running from anything. You're running to something," he said.

That made her smile and she said, "Thanks, Darry."

XXX

When morning came, and she stood with her circle of friends and family at the same bus depot she sent Sodapop off of to find Sandy, the same one he and Steve shipped off from, and the one where Pony left for New York. Now it was her turn and Ellie was surprised at herself for not crying. Allison gave her a bag full of travel necessities, mostly candy and peanuts and hugged her tight. Darry and Two-Bit both gave her rib crushing hugs and kissed her cheek. Going down the line, Ellie told everyone goodbye, holding Danny extra long and kissing on the cheek.

"I'll miss you, buddy," she said, crouching down to his level.

"I love you, Ellie," he said, wrapping his tiny, but strong arms around her neck. It nearly broke her, but there was another hand on her shoulder.

Ellie stood up and hugged Steve who held her tightly, even with just one good arm.

"I'm proud of you. I really mean it," he said. "Don't get into any trouble out there, you hear me?"

Tears really in her eyes now and Ellie could only nod and he released her.

"I'll be good," she told him. She placed her hand on his bad arm. "You take care of yourself."

"Get out of here, kiddo," he said with a wink and kiss on the cheek.

She hugged her mom tight and promised to write about everything she was doing. Abigail released her and handed her an envelope.

"Just a little extra," she said.

"Thank you," Ellie said, hugging her one last time. "I love you."

"Love you, too, baby."

Blinking back tears, Ellie picked up her bag for the ride and looked once more at all of her friends. Turning around, she stepped onto the bus and quickly sat in a seat by the window and waved. She had watched so many of her friend get on buses, leaving her and Tulsa behind. Now it was her turn - something she never thought she would do. As the bus driver got on and shut the door, her stomach started doing flips, and she waved at her friends again. Darry put Danny on up on his shoulders and carried him up to the bus. Danny set his tiny hand on the window and Ellie laid hers over it. He blew her a kiss and Darry stepped back.

The wheels started to roll and she waved and waved until she couldn't see anyone anymore. Sitting back and trying to replace her nervousness with excitement, she watched the scenery fly by and change for thousands of miles.

XXX

Dally walked into the room filled with visitors like he was walking to the electric chair. When he heard someone was there to see him, his chest felt like it was about to burst at the thought of facing Ellie again. When he found out it wasn't her, he was as pleased as he was disappointed. When he found out who it was, though, he almost told the CO he wasn't interested. But he was. He couldn't help himself.

He shuffled slowly toward the table he knew was his, keeping his eyes on the ground. It wasn't until he sat down that he finally looked up at the kid across the table from him.

Wade sat tall across from him and held his gaze. It surprised Dally in a way, but the kid held all the power here. He wasn't the one in the jumpsuit even if he was the one sitting there with sickly, near-healed yellow bruises all over his face.

"What do you want?" Dally finally asked, breaking down and looking at his own hands folded on the table.

"I don't know."

Dallas glanced back up at him, and Wade shrugged.

"I know you don't know me, but my dad's a pastor. And he didn't even know why I wanted to come out here."

"Then why?"

"I don't know what Ellie ever told you about me," Wade said, his tone even, but just maybe just a little high like he was nervous, "but I'd be willing to bet it's about as much as what she told me about you which was next to nothing. I didn't know anything about you for a long time."

Dally set his jaw, studying his hands and not knowing why he was sitting here listening to this.

"I guess I came here to tell you I forgive you," Wade continued.

"Great, I can finally get some sleep tonight," Dally replied, dryly.

Wade considered that for a moment before he actually smiled. It was maybe a little bitter, but it was genuine enough. "You really messed everything up, didn't you? Besides my face, I mean."

"It's what I'm good at."

"I'm gonna believe that it was the first time you ever laid hands on her," Wade said. "I'd like to believe she would have been smart enough to forget about you if you had done that to her before."

"Hey," Dally hissed, his voice low and harsh, "I fucked up, but I didn't ever hurt her before."

"You may not have hit her before that, but you always hurt her."

There was nothing mean or accusatory in the way Wade said it. The truth of it was so simple, so plain, and it felt like a sucker punch to the gut. Dally sat back and stared at the kid. Before, he only saw everything he couldn't be for Ellie, and now he was looking at everything he took away from her by ever coming back in her life.

"Look," Wade continued, "I didn't come here to tell you that. I don't really know why I came here. Other than the fact that I figured this was the only place I could ever talk to you with a guarantee you wouldn't be able to kill me."

Dally didn't miss the way Wade looked over Dally's shoulder at the guards watching over the prisoners, and that elicited a smirk of his own. He just didn't understand this kid.

Wade stood up and actually stuck his hand out. Dally hesitantly shook the hand of the kid he had almost beat to death and realized a lot of things about himself. Mostly that he wasn't good enough to lick the dirt off the kid's cowboy boots.

"You know, I thought I loved her," Wade said, standing there, looking down at Dally. "I was pretty sure of it. But she never felt that way about me. I gave her all the chances in the world. I tried everything I could, but I think I realized at some point that she was never going to love me back. I don't know why I was so surprised when she cut out at Prom with you. She did everything but tell me she only had space enough for you. You were lucky, you know?"

"Yeah," Dally said quietly. "I coulda been."

Wade nodded and started toward the exit.

"Hey," Dally called after him, standing up. "Thanks."

Thanks for what? Forgiving him? For making him feel like shit at the same time? Dally figured it was probably both.

Wade just gave him another nod. He seemed to understand what Dally meant.

XXX

The New York City skyline was nothing that could be justified by a picture on a postcard. As the bus drove into the outskirts of the city, Ellie craned her neck to see the tops of the buildings and still couldn't. There were more people out walking around than she ever saw in Tulsa, and even the most mundane things struck her in awe.

When the bus pulled to a stop at the depot, Ellie grabbed up her belongings and stepped out into a city she never dreamed she would step foot in. Ponyboy was standing twenty feet away. A grin a mile wide was plastered on his face, and they met each other halfway in a crushing hug.

"You made it!" he said.

"Never thought I would, huh?"

"I always knew you would," he said. "Eventually."

Looking around again, she smiled and said, "I'm glad I did."

They waited for her suitcase to be set out from the undercarriage, and Pony started talking about all the things they could see and do. He was so excited and it radiated. Ellie caught a hold of that excitement and felt all the bruises and all the hurt heal. She let it all go and was ready to face whatever New York threw her way.

When her bag was finally set on the pavement, Pony picked it up. "Want to see where home is now?"

"I'd love to," she said, threading her arm through his.

 _See I don't dig those kind of blues anymore, she said,  
So what if I did?_


	22. This Too Shall Pass

**Disclaimer:** S.E. Hinton owns _The Outsiders_. The Lumineers own "Gale Song."

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 _It's a lonely road, full of tired men_  
 _And you can see it in their faces_  
 _And you'll be home in spring,_  
 _I can wait 'til then_  
 _I heard you're on the big train_

 **Some Time Later**

For hours, he lay awake staring at the ceiling. The bed was too soft and the night too quiet. At least he tried to convince himself those were the reasons he couldn't close his eyes and shut off his brain. It had become difficult to lie to himself, especially when that package wrapped in brown paper was sitting on the nightstand still waiting on him to open it. Unable to stand another sleepless night of not knowing, he picked it up, holding it in both hands and feeling how light it was.

Flipping on the lamp on the nightstand, Dallas stood up and took advantage of the quiet country night and climbed out the window onto the wraparound porch in the cool night. With his back against the railing, he set the box on the floorboards and looked at it in the dim light shining through the open window of Lane Winston's spare room. Finally deciding that he couldn't pretend the contents inside wouldn't shatter what belief he had that she didn't hate him, he unwrapped the paper down to the shoe box underneath. Lifting the lid, he saw an envelope with his name. He leaned back and ripped it open, unfolding the carefully written letter inside.

 _Dear Dallas,_

 _I had a feeling that after what happened you would maybe figure some things out. I hope so anyway, and I hope that means you found your way to your uncle's house. It's a good place for you and I think you've always known that. Maybe you should have kept it a secret and things wouldn't have ended up like they did. I never meant to push you. I only ever wanted good things for you. I wanted you to be the way I saw you that weekend in Windrixville._

 _By the time you read this, I'll be in New York. I have no idea what I'll do there - you're right about that - but I have the right to figure that out for myself. I don't have to have all the answers all the time, no one does, and I'm not really looking for any right now. It's my turn to leave and not apologize for it. I can't spend my whole life in Tulsa wondering about what things could have been like, and I don't need anyone's permission but my own._

 _You need to find some peace with losing Johnny. Ponyboy wrote about everything that happened to all three of you. Because, Dally, it wasn't just about what happened to Pony and then what happened to Johnny - so much of it was about what happened to you. Sometimes I think everybody forgot how hard it was on you, and the reasons you acted the way you did, but not me. It broke my heart to have seen you like that and know that there wasn't anything I could do to help you. It still breaks my heart to know you carry his death on your shoulders like it was your fault, even now. It wasn't your fault, Dallas._

 _You're allowed to be sad and grieve, it makes you human. Johnny loved you. You were everything he wanted to be because you are so strong and brave. You were everything he thought he wasn't. He couldn't help but idolize you. I know that's a lot for a person to carry, but it's an honor and you should continue on to honor him._

 _I left you a copy of Pony's theme. I want you to read every word and I want you to take your time and let yourself really feel it. Don't go bury your feelings with liquor. You have to let it in or it will kill you one day. I don't want that to happen to you. It's time you let go of all of your hate and your fear. Read it, please._

 _You are a good person, Dallas Winston. I know because I've seen it. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you because I'll always love you, even if I'm not in love with you. Please find some peace and know that you do have friends in this world._

 _Always,_

 _Ellie_

Lowering the letter, he sat there and closed his eyes and pictured her writing it. It would have been so soon after he hit her and her eye would have still been black and everyone would have been in a frenzy, rallying around her. But she had still taken the time to write him a letter, and that spoke volumes.

Carefully, he put the letter back in the envelope and set it down, ready to see what she left for him. Inside the box was a copy of a Reader's Digest, the same copy he'd seen months ago on her dresser. When he picked it up, though, his chest went heavy when he saw his Christopher medal dangling from between the pages. It glinted some in the dim light it made the little magazine seem so much heavier. Opening to the page the chain was marking, he was instantly struck by a picture of Ponyboy and a large title written in white block letters over a black background: _The Outsiders._ For a while, he just stared at it, absolutely terrified of what was written on the pages. Ellie said Pony wrote about what happened and Dallas still wasn't ready to relive Johnny's death. He did that enough in his own mind.

Ellie wanted him to read it, though, and he lifted the necklace and set the book face down on his leg. Slipping the chain back over his head, the medal landed just over his heart. Holding it in his hand, he thought long and hard about the last several years and what it had done to him and what he had done to Ellie in turn. Hazy memories of a hospital hallway and the smell of cold, wet asphalt assaulted his senses, and he could feel his pulse start to race. Ellie had tried for months to get him to see what was best, and all he had done was squander a real shot at happiness using his rage and his fists. Dallas owed it to her to honor her wishes, and he picked up the magazine again.

The story began simply, lulling him into a past that was so hard to remember had actually existed; a past that he had been so much a part of once upon a time. The house, the neighborhood, the people were all different now, even Ellie had changed so much. For the first time in his life, he read voraciously. He moved from his spot leaning against the rails to resting against the wall below his window for better light. He read column after column, and turned the pages to see what Pony had written next. Dallas would have sworn that he would have come off as this terrible villain that led those boys off to some terrible fate, but that wasn't how Ponyboy saw it. Dallas was so real he scared Pony, but Johnny thought was like some gallant, southern gentleman. It was strange to read about their quiet, but stressful days up at the old church when he was now sitting just a few miles away from that very spot.

The sky was starting to lighten when he got to the night of the rumble and the scene in the hospital when Johnny died. When Johnny told Pony to stay gold, Dallas had to drop the magazine entirely. Eyes bleary with strain and tears, he watched the sky turn colors like Johnny had one morning at the church. Dark blue and black turned purple and then red and orange. Vibrant pinks and yellows filled the sky as he thought about that boy and all the ways Dallas had been unable to save him. Even if he had lived, he could have gone to prison and then what would have become of him? Dallas wondered what would have become of himself. Maybe he wouldn't have gone out of his way to get shot and maybe he and Ellie would have had a real chance at something. It didn't matter because that was a past he could not change. Johnny was still dead, Ellie had left, and he was still trying to understand how he fit into any sort of life.

As the sun continued to rise and bring color back into the world, Dally decided to read on. He got through himself getting shot and had to read and reread the short section detailing how Darry had to stop Ellie to keep her from running into the gunfire after him and her heartbreaking cries that followed. It was the first time he saw his actions in someone else's eyes and he could almost feel the way she would set her hand over the places he got shot as though she were somehow trying to absorb that wound.

Dallas could barely get through the letter Johnny wrote to Pony. He could hear his quiet voice and the hope that was splashed across the page. Johnny hadn't been scared and spent the end of his life trying to get someone to get through to him. A request to watch a sunset and to remember that there was still good in the world were Johnny's dying wishes for him. Ellie had tried to for years to lead him into a good place, and he had only pushed back and destroyed anything decent he had left in a world that didn't want him.

Four years ago, he tried to die, but he had lived and spent all his time trying to barricade himself from a past that left him battered and bruised beyond repair. He believed that everyone blamed him and hated him as much as he hated himself, but knowing Johnny didn't hate him and wanted him to see all of the good that he could see, Dally felt a part of him crack open. A release on his heart he kept tightly shuttered for a long time. Ellie had known it and tried to break through, but he hadn't let her, not completely.

Closing his eyes, he thought about her and everything he had ever done that had hurt her. He wondered why she had always come back. Love was a powerful motivator, but Dallas couldn't imagine he had ever done enough to prove how much he loved her. She had taken the time to reach out to care for him when she had every reason to shut him out of her life for good.

Wincing, he stood up and stretched. The sun was fully risen and he climbed back into the bedroom and set the magazine on the nightstand. He read her letter through once more and wondered how much time had to go by for someone to truly forgive. He could go to New York and hope that she would see him so he could apologize in person. Or he could give her the space she needed. The country air was what she wanted for him, though, and he had only been released a few days ago. As difficult as it was, Dally decided to honor what she asked of him for so long and knew he would stay at the farm for a while. There was time to let the wounds really heal and love regrow.

As he got up and started his day, Dallas found himself trying to see things in a brighter light. The country was wide and open and free, the sun was bright and the air was crisp and cool. There was a man who was all the family he needed in the world who gave him the second and third chances few others had. There was a boy who had once thought him gallant and a girl halfway across the country who could love him when he was at his absolute worst. The world looked different through open, clear eyes and Dallas Winston felt like he was really seeing for the first time in his life.

 _So when you hear my voice,_  
 _And when you say my name_  
 _May it never give you pain_

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A/N: Thanks for waiting around for us to finally post this story. I know we made you wait several years, so hopefully you enjoyed it. While this may not be the _final_ story in the saga, it will likely be the last one for a little while. Thanks again for all of your comments, predictions, criticisms, etc etc. We love it all, and we sincerely appreciate the time you've taken over the years to read our stories. :)


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